The Confession
by magic or manic
Summary: Sequel to Yeah, I did something. Jack talks to Jennifer about the rape.
1. Chapter 1

The next morning, he stood with a heavy heart and pounding head outside the loft, hesitating over whether to knock at that door. So many memories of coming to this place with the express intent to engage Kayla and Steve in some sort of conflict hammered at his conscience. He knew Lawrence had been harassing Jennifer and the symmetry between his younger self and his most hated enemy was horrifying. He wondered how he would have the courage to ask her about what Isabella suspected – here in this loft where he had committed the very same crime.

After Isabella had left him, he had gone home to reflect on the night's events in solitude. He desperately had wished for counsel – but other than Isabella, he didn't know anyone he could talk to about this situation. Of all the people he knew in town, the only one he could imagine going to for advice was Vern. But Vern's wife had killed herself in response to being raped, and that had always been an uncomfortable barricade preventing Jack from ever trying to get closer to Vern. He felt guilty whenever he thought about it, and fortunate that Kayla had not taken that path. The idea that his angry act could have led her there made him feel the old self-loathing all over again.

Thoughts like that had plagued him, and when he went to sleep, he was visited by a continuous series of nightmares – one in particular where Jennifer had killed herself unable to bear under the pain of having to shoulder her burden alone.

It was that dream that made him realize that he had to face her – that the only way he could make things right with her was to give her the chance to tell him where he stood in her life. Like Isabella said, it was her decision to make, and he didn't have the right to second-guess her.

But now, standing there, he wondered if he was doing the right thing. She hadn't been able to tell him and was he causing her more pain by forcing the truth out? He didn't know what to do, and was beginning to think he should talk the whole thing over with Dr. Baker, when he heard Jennifer's voice through the door -raised, angry and frightened.

"I want you to leave right now, or I'm calling the police!"

Jack needed no more of a catalyst. He banged on the door with sudden urgency.

"Jennifer, it's Jack – are you all right?"

He heard sounds from within and then Jennifer slid open the door with vehement velocity.

"Jack," she gasped, relived beyond belief that he was here. She hadn't intended on letting Lawrence in, but he had moved in quickly when she had unwisely opened the door without verifying who it was first. He had shut the door and was standing between her and the door while he threatened her about keeping her mouth shut. Frankie's threats to Lawrence had only served to make Lawrence more menacing towards her.

Jack's arrival had prompted Lawrence to move out of the way and Jennifer had pounced on the opportunity to rid herself of her tormentor.

Jack saw how scared she was in and anger and guilt nearly overwhelmed him. It was too similar, too reminiscent and too horribly symmetrical to the not-so-long-ago days when he was the bad guy and it would be Steve barging in to save the day. _Steve_. Jack wished more than anything that Steve was around so Jack could figure out what he was supposed to do. He had no idea what to do or say in this situation, and Steve would have been the one to guide him onto the correct path.

He forced himself out of his silent recriminations. Whatever his own ugly past, Jennifer needed him now, and he wasn't going to fail her again.

"Lawrence. Just leaving?" His tone was very calm and mild-mannered. It belied the turmoil underneath.

"Ah, my old friend. And how are you doing these days, Jack?"

"I'm quite well, Lawrence. Thank you for asking."

"Good to hear it. Well. You'll both be seeing me again. I know so very few people in town, and I do so like to keep in touch with the acquaintances I have. Good day."

As soon as he left the apartment, Jennifer rushed over and slammed the door shut. She locked her newly-installed deadbolts with extreme violence, and then turned and looked at Jack, all the while breathing laboriously.

He felt suddenly conspicuous there in this loft – this place of terrible karma for him.

"Ah… those are new," he said, awkwardly indicating the locks. He barely had time to get those words out when Jennifer rushed into his arms and clung to him feverishly. He felt the shaking of her body and knew that her experience with Lawrence had been incredibly frightening. Jennifer was a strong woman and she could bear up under a lot, but she was at her weakest point and her enemy was continuing to strike while she was down and out.

Her arms were wrapped tightly around him and it took him only a heartbeat to realize that no matter what had been said and how she might now feel about him, what she sought now was comfort – and that's what he owed it to her to give. He wrapped his arms around her and held her for a long while, rubbing her back soothingly.

"It's okay," he said quietly. "He's gone. It's okay. I'm sorry… I'm sorry he was here – I'm sorry you had to face him alone."

"Don't go," she pleaded against him. "Stay! Please don't go!"

He could feel her shaking and knew that this was all because of Lawrence. Jennifer rarely quaked in the face of danger to this extent and the fact that Lawrence could so easily bring her to this point was heartbreaking.

It was even harder than it might normally be, because he knew that he had regularly behaved similarly with Kayla and he was sure his visits had left Kayla in a similar state. He remembered in particular the confrontation he had with her, here in this place, after coming back from the police station. He had been so angry at her for pressing charges, and he was in full attack mode. He even grabbed her, a fact that made him flinch at the memory.

He couldn't fathom how Steve could have continued to bear any love for him. Once again, he was reminded how extraordinary his brother was and how much he missed and needed him.

"No. No – I'm not going," he soothed her. "It's okay. I'm not going anywhere."

He continued to hold her for a while like that until she calmed down.

Jennifer continued to lean into him for a long while trying to regain her sense of calm. Dimly she realized that Jack hadn't pushed her away or pulled back from her. As her calm returned, she began to feel embarrassed and awkward by her outburst and pulled back uneasily, looking at him curiously.

He recognized that this time her withdrawal wasn't borne from a dislike of being touched, but rather the odd shift in his behavior.

He looked at her with an odd mix of embarrassment and contrition.

"Ah. So - where's Frankie?"

Her heart skipped in frustration and fear as she felt their old battle beginning again. Would he always believe this of her? It seemed ludicrous in her mind that anyone could think she would prefer Frankie over Jack, but she forced herself to remember Jack's history with Kayla – how Kayla had repeatedly pushed him away, and the reason had been another man.

In truth, when Jack was around, Frankie almost ceased to exist for her. She was in awe that she ever felt anything romantic for him at all. After Jack, every man that came before him – every **boy** seemed like practice for the real thing.

"Jack - please – "

"Oh – no – no. That's not what I meant," he said hastily, not a trace of anger or jealousy about him. "I just wanted to know where he is – will he be back? I don't like you being all alone here, because Lawrence appears to be stalking you." He winced apologetically as he said this last statement.

"I let him in," she mumbled. "I didn't ask who it was. Once I'd opened the door, it was too late. He just forced his way in," she winced, realizing the metaphor in her words.

"Yeah," he said grimly, looking down. "I know."

Startled, she looked at him, wondering at what he meant.

"Jennifer – "

"Stay, Jack – please? Frankie had to go for the night – he won't be back for the weekend. Please, Jack – I could go to my grandmother's, but I don't …"

"Jennifer – do you want to come over to my place? No bad Lawrence vibes there, and you can have the spare or the main – whichever one you want, I'll take the other. Come on – it'll be like the old days when we were hiding from Victor, without the danger, and I promise not to say or do anything that'll make you mad," he said with a disarming smile.

She looked at him in confusion. "Really?" The idea of staying with him had sudden appeal. The loft seemed menacing to her at times… and she knew that Lawrence would never be able to get to her at Jack's. At the very least, Sheldon would always be there, and he wouldn't let Lawrence in to harass her.

"Really."

"I thought- I thought you said we were leading separate lives now," she said, unable to stop herself from reminding them both of the hurt between them.

He was silent a long beat, realizing at some point he was going to have to tell her he knew. He was going to have to let her decide how she wanted their relationship to progress.

"Yeah. Well… about that," he said, clearing his throat uncomfortably. "I… may have overreacted," he said, looking down. "I mean – if you want us to lead separate lives, that's one thing… but I should have included you in that decision."

"I don't want separate lives," she said definitively. "I … I know I've behaved in a way that might make you think so – but I really don't. Jack, you have no idea how good it feels to be with you."

It did feel good to be with him – when he wasn't trying to figure out what was wrong. His jealous accusations had made her feel very uneasy – she couldn't help but draw parallels between what he now believed and what had gone down between him and Kayla. She knew he wouldn't snap like that again, but his anger, when it was unbridled and obvious made her very nervous. She shivered a little remembering how he had snapped on New Years.

She also had been uncomfortable by his overtures of affection. She was so far from being the warm and responsive woman she had once been that it made her cry. At this moment in her life, it was hard to imagine she would ever be able to do that again. But she hated pushing him away – she knew that it cut him to the core, because he had only recently become comfortable with admitting that he wanted to be with her like that.

But right now, Jack wasn't in the throes of anger or passion. He was just trying to help her out – he was trying to take care of her, and this was exactly what she had needed from him since coming home. She felt that the ice that had encased her soul since the rape was beginning to melt.

"Jennifer, it feels good to be with you too," he admitted, forcing himself to take the risk. "But things aren't really okay between us. I'd like to work towards making them okay – but that… depends on how you feel about it. Things can't be okay without honesty. I realize how crazy it is to hear me say that, but when it comes right down to it, we have to be able to let the other know when we are troubled by something. And you are troubled by something. You've been troubled since Lawrence's Villa, and I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out what the problem has been. I believe it has something to do with what happened at the cabin – when you told me that you weren't even talking about me."

Jennifer felt darts of fear go through her. He was dangerously close to the truth.

"Jack… if that offer to stay at your place is still open, I have to go pack - " she said, turning away from him as she started to feel the room closing in on her.

"Lawrence. You were talking about Lawrence. Weren't you?"

She stepped away from him in agitation and looked towards the balcony.

"Jack. Please. Please can we drop this?"

"Jennifer – There's no point in hiding anymore."

"I'm not ready for this," she cried out.

He fl inched at that. It reminded him of all his encounters with Kayla.

"Okay," he said backing off immediately. "I'll drop it."

She turned back, breathing laboriously, on the verge of tears.

"There's no point, is there. You know, don't you," she said, beginning to cry. "You know what he did."


	2. Chapter 2

Her words hit him like a truck.

Suspecting this was one thing. Having her make it real like this – it was a whole other thing. He didn't know how he was ever going to muster up the strength that she needed from him. It was different for Steve – Steve hadn't been guilty of the same crime. But then again, Lawrence wasn't his long lost baby brother, so maybe it was worse for Steve. Definitely it had to have been worse – to love the man who did this… it was incomprehensible.

Dimly he was aware that she was crying and that he ought to do or say something, but all he could do was try to breathe. Each and every attempt at getting oxygen into his body seemed to meet with resistance.

_Get it under control. This isn't about me._

He swallowed hard, trying without success to imagine what his next words to her should be. Just what do you say to someone who's been raped? Is there a card for that kind of thing? If so, he couldn't even imagine what it would say.

_Steve. I need you now, Johnson. Damn you for leaving so soon. I need you now._

He tried to imagine what Steve would do. Sometimes that path brought success – and sometimes it was spectacularly catastrophic like when he attempted to rescue Jennifer from Lawrence's villa.

_How long has this silence gone on?_ He couldn't stand how hard it was to think of what to say to her. _Sorry? Sorry I failed you? Sorry I raped someone? Sorry I didn't see what was so obvious to the most casual of observers?_

Dimly he wondered if Kayla suspected. Wouldn't she recognize the symptoms? She had had training in this kind of thing. He flinched – once again forced into a horrible reminiscence. He remembered giving her that awful speech about what a woman could do to avoid rape. Jennifer – if she had ever heard those words from him, she would surely believe that he blamed her.

Jennifer waited in vain for Jack to say something, but he seemed to be suffering from a state of shock. She saw a vast myriad of expressions pass across his face as he so obviously tried to come to grips with what she had just admitted. _Damn it, Jack. If you weren't ready to deal with the truth – why did you ask me?_

"Jack?"

Her tentatively uttered croak of his name jolted him back into awareness – the horrible sick feeling that he owed her something – some response and he had no idea what to do. _Jack. Can't you ever do anything right? _Memories of Harper coldly denouncing him for behavior ill-befitting a Deveraux shot through his mind. He nearly laughed aloud at the realization that his rape of Kayla hadn't earned him a dressing down from his father. The man had probably been proud_. My boy. Deveraux blood._

He sighed deeply, wondering again what he should do.

"I was really hoping you would say no," he said, his voice harsh and raw.

"No?"

"To what I… had guessed. Actually – it wasn't even … it's not important".

"I – I hadn't planned on telling you," she whispered, trying hard not to let herself break down again.

"Why not," he asked, saying the things he hadn't intended on voicing aloud. _What the hell is wrong with you, Jack? What do you mean – why not? The answer is obvious._

"I – I thought I could handle it on my own," she said, her breathing becoming labored as she fought against the constriction in her chest. "I thought… I thought I could get over it."

"I – I don't think that's how it works," he said, wincing as he said those words. _Remind her, why don't you, of your experience with rape._

"I know," she said in a hard and angry voice. "Obviously."

"Oh. Yeah." He felt curiously humbled by her, and completely lost.

She took in a hard breath.

"That's… why I started going to those… sessions. You know. With Dr. Baker."

He squeezed his eyes shut in frustration. "And of course, my being there when you came out probably stopped you from going again. Didn't it?"

She smiled without humor. It was a sad and defeated smile.

"I guess you know me pretty well by now."

"I'll … let her secretary know not to schedule my appointments next to those sessions," he said tangentially. "Nobody needs that… to come out from that kind of session, to see a guy like me."

"Oh, Jack –none of them probably even know –"

"I wouldn't bet more than a nickel on those odds," he said abruptly.

She stopped. There was no point in going down that path. It brought her uncomfortably close to the blurring of the lines between her own trauma and what he had done. It was important for her to separate him from the man he had once been – otherwise, she started to obsess about it – tried to visualize it.

"I – I don't want to talk about that," she said, her breath labored again. "I – I can't go there."

He looked at her for a long hesitation. _Ok. Not going there. Going anywhere but there. So... Now what?_

"Jennifer – I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say," he admitted miserably. "Did… do you want me to leave?"

"No!" The cry was wrung out of her with bullet-force. "That's exactly what I don't want! That's why I haven't … hadn't told you."

"Because you thought – "

"Jack, it took me a long time to get you to even admit that you loved me," she cried out in frustration. "I worked so hard, I pushed so hard- it hurt so badly to be rejected by you time and again. I couldn't bear the thought of going back to square one."

He looked down at his shoes.

"For all of that, I'm sorry. But… don't you think that – what happened at the cabin propelled us back into the negative numbers? I mean – if … if our relationship was something you want to continue… the only way it could have continued is if you told me what had happened. If I didn't know, I was going to keep thinking that your feelings for me had always been ambiguous as far as my past is concerned… or at the very least, that something else had happened to change your mind – maybe seeing Frankie again –"

"You didn't call him Françoise."

"Yeah. Well - I mean... it's not like he's - a rival anymore."

"Ah. As long as he's not a threat, you don't need to poke sticks at him?"

He looked down, slightly embarrassed, and yet not really all that remorseful. Something about Françoise just got under his skin, and it was fun to annoy the guy in a fairly benign fashion.

"Jennifer, I'm sorry that I ever thought something was going on. The last thing you needed at this time was my jealous anger." He left the rest unsaid. _Especially after what I did the last time I was jealous and angry._ "I'm especially sorry about new years."

She was silent a long while.

"Jack, you had every reason to believe that I had started things up with him again. I asked him to move in with me– you caught is in what seemed to be a compromising position… and… I know that of all things, that would hurt you the most – being cheated on and then being lied to repeatedly about it. I do understand that."

"Well – that's… thanks," he said awkwardly, trying to avoid this line of conversation. "But are you sure he doesn't know?"

"What? I told you –" her voice began to rise defensively.

He held up two hands in surrender. "No. I mean – he said something to me after I left your place on New Years – something that made it sound like he knew exactly what had happened. He told me to back off a little, that you were going through something."

"I don't know – maybe he guessed," she mused.

"He probably did," agreed Jack.

"I didn't mean anything by that," she said. "I know you feel bad for not guessing earlier."

"I didn't guess at all. It was Isabella."

"Isa – but how – "

"I kind of poured my troubles out to her, and she saw it right away."

"Oh," she said, wincing in embarrassment. "I'm … I'm – "

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I know. I don't know why I couldn't keep my mouth shut."

"Because you needed someone to talk to. Someone you could trust," she said with a small smile. "I know Isabella and you have a very special friendship."

"That's all it is," he said hastily.

"I know. Did you know that Isabella was the one who first told me that you loved me?"

"When?"

"When we were searching for the key. I don't know – she figured it out just by watching us together and decided to pay you back for all your help by telling me. Although now, perhaps you don't think much of how she chose to express her gratitude."

"Oh. No. Look. I don't regret our getting close," he said. "The times I've had with you have been the most amazing of my life."

"But…?"

"What?"

"It sounds to me like you're breaking up with me. Are you?"

"Jennifer, it isn't that simple," he sighed. "Have you really thought about why you didn't tell me why you called me what you did?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Maybe on some level you were relieved about what happened – it forced us to break up… it forced there to be distance between us."

Her answering gasp warned him of the impending storm.

"Jack, that's ridiculous. I felt terrible about hurting you – you know that –how can you even doubt it," she said angrily. "You saw how upset I was – did you think I was just acting?"

"No – No – truce… I didn't think that," he said, holding up his hands again.

"Stop doing that," she snapped irritably, pushing his hands down. "I can't believe you think I wanted things to be like this on purpose. I even tried to come tell you, you know. After my Grandma had been to see you, she came to see me and told me that whatever my problem was, I needed to tell you – otherwise we'd never work past our problems. I tried, but you pushed me away. You ended up taking my ring away," she trailed off sadly. "What was I supposed to do?"

"I know I didn't make it easy," he said apologetically, but still determined on deconstructing her behavior. "But Jennifer, I think I might have hit a nerve. I mean – it makes sense you might want some distance between us after what happened – if only to … just deal with it. I know I tried to push you away after I killed Harper. I just wanted to be alone – to process what had happened –"

"And I didn't understand. I just got upset with you."

"You couldn't have known."

"I do know," she sighed. "I don't know. Maybe you … maybe I did need space, but … I can't believe I would even on a subconscious level allow you to be hurt like that just so I could get what I needed."

"Well – I did that. I said hurtful and terrible things to you in that tower – I tried so hard to push you as far away from me as I could, even though it was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I'm just saying it's a possibility."

She sighed heavily.

"So what now? Where do we go from here?"


	3. Chapter 3

He looked at her a long moment, and shook his head as if to say he had no idea. He opened his mouth in an attempt to say something that might make sense when she beat him to the punch.

"Jack. I think I need to tell you what happened."

Jack felt panic shoot through him. _Oh god. Not that. Not here._

"You… you mean – with Lawrence? You know – you don't have to –"

"I _need_ to tell you."

He heard her breath becoming more labored and tight and knew that she was feeling agitated again.

"You know, Jennifer – maybe now isn't the right time for this – maybe – "

"No! I need to tell you. Okay? I need you to hear it."

"Wouldn't you rather talk to Dr. Baker about that?" _Oh. Please. Say yes!_

"Are you saying you won't hear it?"

"No, no, no! No. I'm not saying that at all."

"Then what are you saying?"

"I'm saying… I'm saying… I'm saying that I don't want to hear it here," he blurted out, not meaning to have said that at all.

She was silent a startled moment by his admission.

"I – I'm sorry. I didn't think –"

He shook his head. "No. It most certainly is not _your_ fault."

"Well. You offered me a place to stay for the weekend. Is that offer still open?"

"If you still want it to be. And – you know… I mean – the offer is on the up and up, right? No – funny business," he said feebly trying to inject a joke into the mix. It fell flat even as he said it. Wrong joke. Wrong allusion.

"Funny business?" She looked at him perplexed. Had she even indicated that she thought he had anything in mind?

"Um. You - you remember what you said to me when I tried to setup that fake marriage?" Jack was babbling nervously now, aware that he had taken this conversation down an idiotic path.

"Oh – yeah." She paused a moment, remembering the look of deep personal shame on his face when she innocently threw her retort in his face. _You aren't the easiest person to trust. _She wondered if he thought she felt that way now – given what she had called him at the cabin. "You know, Jack, things are very different now."

"Yeah," he said heavily, misunderstanding her. Now they were barely friends, let alone two people with a possible future ahead of them. "I know."

"I mean. You _are_ easy to trust."

He stared at her in amazement at that statement. It wasn't what he thought she meant, and her words threw him for a loop. So many times in his life he had proven himself to be a dangerous and vengeful person. And then, once he had managed to develop into a mostly well-intentioned person, he still managed to prove himself to be emotionally unstable, occasionally still violent in his anger, and unreliable in following through in what usually were crazy plans. So how could she trust him? That was one of life's greatest mysteries, he wasn't sure he'd ever find out the answer.

"Uh. Thanks. Look, I'll wait here while you pack," he said awkwardly, pulling away from the edge of emotional response that he felt himself on. Jennifer could drive him there faster than anyone –even Jo, and right now he still didn't feel safe enough to express that to her. He knew Jennifer wouldn't purposely hurt him. What he didn't know was whether Jennifer really knew how _she_ felt about _them_ anymore. He knew she loved him, but could she really honestly be with a man like him after what had been done to her? That was the part he couldn't really trust.

After Jennifer had gone up to pack, he paced the apartment awkwardly, wanting nothing more than to get out of there. After Jennifer had moved into the loft, it had slowly become a somewhat safe place for him again, as he began to juxtapose pleasant and loving memories alongside those that were horrifying. But since the day she had slapped him, the horrifying ones seemed to win out. He couldn't even look at her couch without remembering another couch placed in almost that identical spot. He fought to keep the flashbacks at bay, knowing that Jennifer needed him to be at his absolutely most emotionally stable point when she told him what she needed to tell him. He could almost hear Steve in his head. _Hang tough, brother._

"I'm ready," she said nervously. "Let's go."

He turned almost violently at her voice, unaware that she had even come down the stairs.

"Yeah. Yeah – sure."

The ride back to his place had been fairly quiet – both of them having trouble expressing much more than basic pleasantries. It was a far cry better than the unpleasant and depressing ride home that they had shared from that cabin, but they both still felt uncomfortable in the confines of forced intimacy. It was hard to know what to say when there was so _much_ to be said.

After they got back to Jack's house, Jack busied himself with the relief-offering tasks of getting her settled. He included Sheldon in the mix to provide a safety net of a third party to Jack's own wary soul. He felt guilty about wanting Sheldon around, knowing that Jennifer had made a point of telling him that she trusted him – didn't he owe her the same? Nonetheless, Jack was afraid.

But soon, Jennifer was settled in, and they were alone. It was time to face the music.


	4. Chapter 4

Jack immediately began trying to push the uncomfortable moment of truth away by trying to be the perfect host, letting her know where things were, and asking her about her general level of comfort. After a few minutes of this, Jennifer lost patience. Her grip on her emotions was tenuous and she needed to do what she had set out to do before she lost her nerve.

"Jack, please – I'm fine, I'm comfortable. Okay? We can't run away from this all night," she said in exasperation.

"I'm not running away," he said defensively, "I'm just – uh – "

"Just…?"

"Okay. I guess I _am_ running away."

"Which is kind of weird, because for the last few weeks – roles were reversed with us, weren't they?"

"I know I've been pushy in the… intimacy department," he winced. "I'm sorry… I never meant to make you feel cornered."

"Jack, I didn't mean _that. _You've been wonderful – you've been trying to help me deal with something even though you had no idea what was wrong with me. You were trying to make me feel better. And while I know you still want me to feel better, you're afraid all over again. You're afraid to know what happened, and I understand. I know how terrifying this is for you."

"Well. I imagine it's not exactly the easiest thing for you either," he said softly. "I am sorry I'm acting like this."

"I… I'm finding it hard to getting the words out," she laughed self-consciously. "I mean – I really want to tell you, but I'm scared."

"Why is it so important to tell me," he asked. "I'm not saying that you shouldn't tell me… I'm just saying that – you don't have to."

She was silent a long while and she turned away from him so she could collect her thoughts. After a brief moment of uncertainty, she decided to be honest and she turned back to face him.

"Jack – I need you to know what happened so _you_ can decide how you feel about it."

"Knowing the details isn't going to make me any less angry on your behalf."

She bit her lip.

"Jack. Maybe… maybe some of it was my fault," she said in a small voice. "And… I can't help feeling that way. I just need you to know so you can decide how you feel about that… about whether you think I'm to blame. I'd feel guilty about – not telling you, under these circumstances."

He was silent a horrified heartbeat.

"Jennifer – do you honestly think I could blame you? I mean –do you think that because I – I did the same thing?"

"I don't know, Jack," she cried out. "I know that for victims of rape it's normal to feel guilty – I also know that this wasn't your every day circumstances – just like you and Kayla were… there were mitigating circumstances in both cases –"

"Jennifer – I don't know how you can even say that –"

"Jack – please. I don't want to talk about you and Kayla right now. I know it's relevant, but I need to tell you about what happened with Lawrence and me, and I need you to listen. Can you do that?"

He compressed his lips together and nodded, feeling slightly ashamed for turning this into a discussion about his own feelings.

"Okay. So… you remember after you escaped from being detained, you asked me if Lawrence had been angry about our deception. You felt sure that he would have been furious and your first concern was that he had done something."

"Yes." _Because I'd done something in a similar rage. _

"Well. I … I lied to you. I guess you know that now, but by then – it had already happened."

He winced, trying to hold out the pain. He remembered how desperate she was to get rid of him, and then how strange her conversation with Lawrence had been. He remembered now how Lawrence had referred to the 'other night', and Jack had just brushed that off. It hadn't made sense, but he hadn't really bothered to dissect it. He felt like an idiot – all the clues were there. _Some investigative reporter._

She paced away from him, hugging herself against the sudden chill.

"Lawrence was … so incredibly … cruel and calculating about forcing me to go through with the marriage. He showed me Frankie and threatened the people in Salem – and then I also knew that he would kill you if provoked. I – I felt I had no choice to go through with it. After… I left the ceremony and went to where we agreed to meet." Jennifer's breathing was becoming more and more labored as she recounted the events.

Jack winced. "Lawrence's bedroom," he said hoarsely, realizing now how stupid an idea that had been. They should have met somewhere a little safer and gone into Lawrence's room together.

"Lawrence came in instead of you," she said, her voice now muted in hushed horror. "At that point, I was begging and pleading to God that you would come in."

Jack remembered how Kayla had frantically tried to call Steve before he had torn the phone away from her. The idea of causing that kind of sick terror in someone made him unbearably ashamed. The idea of Jennifer feeling those very same feelings tormented his soul.

"And I didn't."

"Well – you couldn't. It wasn't your fault – but at the time I believed you would at any minute come bursting through that door… and so I tried to stall, Jack. I mean – I should have – I should have –"

"Jennifer," he spoke over her self-recriminations trying to get her back on track. He hated to see her blame herself for something that simply wasn't her fault.

"Lawrence was angry and suspicious, and I tried to calm him down by telling him I wanted to be there," she winced, looking at him almost pleadingly, willing him to understand. "He was angry, and I was afraid, Jack. So I thought I could calm him down and somehow get out of the situation without getting hurt."

He winced again. An angry violent man. A woman in a bad situation trying to placate her way out of danger. It was too horribly similar.

"Th-that's when it spiraled out of control," she said, beginning to break down. "He – he wanted to know why I was there – and before I knew it, I was pouring him champagne," she said, her face twisted in self-disgust. "How stupid was that? Of course he thought… he thought – and – then – it just kept getting worse, the next thing I knew – he was advancing on me, and – then – he was yelling at me how I led him on – and then –" she stopped, unable to voice the final words.

"Jennif-"

"He – grabbed me and began to push me backwards - I couldn't stop him – I couldn't stop him at all – my god – I just – I couldn't stop him. It's like that time – on the docks when that man came after me for the pages… I couldn't do anything – I – I was completely unable to stop him – " she was crying as she grated out these words, stunned and disgusted by her own helplessness. "I should have been able to stop him," she cried. "I should have – if I had fought differently – or – anything – but – I – I didn't… I couldn't – and – then- then – it happened – he pushed me down and then – it happened."

Jack could hear his own labored breathing.

Hearing her tale had affected him as badly as he had feared. Rage at Lawrence mixed with self-loathing. He had no idea what to do and once again, he wished for his brother's presence. _Steve would handle this so much better._

He looked at her for a long moment.

"So tell me," she blurted out in hurt and pain. "Tell me you hate me now – tell me you blame me – I had so many chances to prevent this from happening and – I – I walked right into his trap! I ruined things between us because I refused to stop this stupid deception back in New York when you told me how dangerous it was. If I had listened to you, none of this would have happened."

"If you had listened – Frankie would still be his prisoner and we would never know about that."

"But it's because of Frankie I agreed to marry him. Don't – doesn't that make you angry at all? I mean – you said it yourself – that Frankie had come between us – it wasn't his fault, but – I – I married Lawrence to save Frankie. Threats against people in Salem wouldn't have been enough –"

"Jennifer, if he didn't show you Frankie he could have easily shown your grandmother – and she was there because I couldn't keep a secret from her."

She smiled through her tears. "No one can."

"I don't hate you," he said gently. "I don't blame you."

"_You_ told me he was dangerous. You begged me to get out of there. You knew he might get violent and I should have listened to you – because you _knew!_"

He flinched.

"I'm sorry," she said hastily. "I didn't mean you knew because of that "

"Yes you did," he corrected her. "You did. It's okay to say it. You knew because I once got violent when I felt I'd been made a fool of."

"Then maybe I should have listened to you –I knew that you had reason to understand how far Lawrence could go. I should have listened to you because you begged me to, and that alone should have been enough. I nearly got so many people I love killed because of my stubbornness."

"I love your stubborn nature," he insisted. "If you weren't stubborn, we would never have gotten together. You had to stand up to everyone you knew, including yours truly, in order to make our relationship work. You changed my life, Jennifer – your stubbornness saved my life."

"Jack –"

"And how many times did I refuse to do the reasonable and safe thing? You nearly died several times over because of my stupid insistence that I keep the truth from Isabella."

"You were trying to help her –"

"You were trying to help Carly. I can't blame you for being yourself – someone who cares a lot and who would go to great lengths to help a friend."

"I was a fool…"

"Well – join the fool club then. You aren't to blame – you got into a bad situation. In hindsight you can see every decision that should have been made differently and it will change how you approach future situations – but that doesn't mean you ever asked for what happened to you. You aren't to blame."

"But Lawrence says I seduced him," she said, dissolving into sobs. "And… and I did- I was there in my wedding gown – pouring him champagne – any man would have –"

"No," he reacted fiercely. "No! Not any man! Not Françoise. Not Bo, or Roman – or Steve or – even Emilio. None of them would have reacted that way, Jennifer… not even me – not anymore. You know that, Jennifer – you're intelligent and well educated. You know that your behavior didn't automatically give Lawrence a free pass to commit a crime. "

"But he – when he describes it," she choked between her sobs, "it sounds plausible."

"Of course it does," he said, harshly. "He's good at that. He's trained in that – as part of his training to take over for Leopold – he trained in all of that … politicking. Jennifer – he knows exactly what to say to make you question your own culpability. You have to stand strong – what he did was wrong. End of story. Lawrence knew you didn't want to marry him, he knew you didn't want to make love with him. Despite knowing all that, he forced you. That makes it his fault. That makes it rape."

"Jack –"

"I bullied Kayla in the same way," he said emotionally. "I kept on after her, telling her it was her fault. I was awful…and then, when all my anger finally died down, I realized that I was the only one to blame. It wasn't easy letting myself feel that way, but once I did, it amazed and shamed me that I was ever able to feel any differently."

She looked at him as he spoke, speechless with her grief, her face completely wet with her tears.

"I don't hate you. I don't blame you," he said fiercely. "What I want to know is whether you can ever forgive me for failing you."

"You didn't fail me," she insisted softly.

"I did. And even though you could make the same arguments I made that it wasn't my fault that I was captured– when it comes right down to it, you were counting on me, on my explicit request to that end, and I failed you."

"No. You didn't," she insisted. "You stood by me, even when I begged you – even when I rejected you – you stood by me… and refused to leave me there. You saved me from Lawrence in the end, and I'll never forget that. You were very brave, Jack – I meant what I said in those tunnels – you were my hero."

"Some hero," he said. "We get home and all I do is pressure you to be physically close even though I swore I'd never be that way again. It isn't like I didn't notice you didn't want to be close. The more you pulled away, the more desperate I got. I was walking in my old footsteps."

"Why shouldn't you have wanted us to be close? We were close before all that, and you just wanted that back. That doesn't make you a bad person. I'd been trying to get close to you forever – and you kept pulling away – did it make me a bad person to want you like that when you clearly weren't ready for us to have that kind of relationship?"

"It's different, Jennifer."

"You didn't do anything wrong. If anything- you were finally secure enough in our relationship to let me know that you wanted me. It would have been everything I ever dreamed of if Lawrence hadn't done what he did."

"That's… what Isabella said."

"You told her about … what was going on? At that level of detail?"

"I was afraid old habits were reasserting themselves. I kind of needed her opinion."

"What do you mean?"

"Um. During my marriage to Kayla, I kept – pressuring her, and she kept … flinching away. And when you started doing the same thing – I panicked –I thought you were in love with someone else – I kept trying because I was trying to convince myself nothing was wrong. Just like –just like with Kayla."

"You thought I was falling in love with Frankie again because in Kayla's case, it was true – her behavior meant she was in love with someone else. It makes sense, Jack," she said softly. "My asking Françoise to move in with me didn't exactly help matters."

"Still," he said awkwardly. "The circumstances were very different and there was enough odd about your relationship with Lawrence that I should not have jumped to that conclusion so quickly. I know I – acted in a disturbing fashion and times, and given my own… history – that couldn't have been easy. I'm extremely sorry for all that."

"I'm sorry for hurting you like that," she said anxiously. "I knew you'd been hurt like that once before and the idea that I was hurting you like that was devastating to me. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. I'm sorry I didn't trust you with the truth," she said softly. "Can you ever forgive me?"

"Jennifer – there's nothing to forgive."

"I created this mess between us. I made it worse by not trusting you. Can you ever forgive that?"

"Absolutely."

"Can you trust me?"

"What do you mean? About Frankie? Yes. Of course."

"No. Can you trust me not to hurt you again. Like I did at the cabin."

"I…"

"You – "

"I – I am not convinced that – that you feel for me the way you once did," he said awkwardly. "I'm not convinced you ever can."

"Jack – I just need time," she insisted anxiously. "I believe we can have back what we once did."

"So what you're saying," he said, forcing the issue out on the table, "is that my past behavior – the fact that I raped someone – that doesn't bother you? Not at all?"


	5. Chapter 5

"Jack, I don't think it's as simple as all that," she said tensely. "Would you even believe me if I told you that your past wasn't a problem?"

His heart sank. The idea that his past bothered her now made him want to get as far away from her as possible.

"Probably not," he said after a long hesitation.

"Are you telling me that if it is a problem, we can't be together?"

"Jennifer, if my past bothers you, I don't see how we can be together. How can you even stand to be around me – you now know exactly the nature of what I did. Lawrence and I are a lot alike."

"You are nothing like Lawrence Alamain," she said angrily. "He's a monster. He killed Steve –"

"We don't actually know that he did that for sure."

"There was enough evidence to get Shane to come over –"

"Shane thought I was the riverfront knifer at one point," Jack interjected.

Jennifer stopped talking, nonplussed.

"Really?"

"Really. He wasn't the only one who thought that. I think Steve might have believed it too and maybe Abe and Roman. They brought me in for questioning."

"That must have really been hurtful," she said sadly, thinking of his past pain. He had been so isolated by his deeds, and Jennifer knew how painful isolation was to a man like Jack, no matter how much he tried to act like he preferred it. Jack craved acceptance, and that craving had driven a lot of his behavior back in the days when his life was so bad.

Jennifer wondered if some of that intense craving hadn't been the result of being torn away from the two people he loved most – his mother and then his brother. One of the things that she had seen happen to Jack as he had developed into a better person was that he didn't seem to have that frantic need for everyone's good opinion anymore. He seemed more secure in himself and didn't feel the need to vociferously defend his actions when he made mistakes. He also didn't need to sing his own praises when he did something good.

His need to hurt others when pushed had been altered as well. Instead of going on a vengeful rampage against Lawrence or Frankie or whomever he had perceived to be responsible for the destruction of his happiness, he'd buried himself in his work and carried on the good work that he had learned to do. The Spectator was the one thing that Jack would always have. The Spectator would always accept him and give him respectability.

"It wasn't exactly a rose garden," he said with false insouciance. "But I can understand why they thought…" he stopped talking, remembering exactly what it was that led the police to suspect him.

Jennifer caught his hesitation and pushed a little.

"Why did they think it was you?"

"You mean, other than the fact that I had just recently committed a terrible crime against a woman I had claimed to love?"

"Jack," she said wearily, protesting against the harshness of his response. "I'm not trying to hurt you. If you don't want to talk about it…"

"No. I'm sorry. You have every right to ask," he said. "But … it's kind of awkward to talk about. They found something of mine with - ah – with one of the victims."

"What –"

Jennifer paused as it finally dawned on her. A lot of the victims had been prostitutes.

"Ah. Never mind," she said embarrassed.

He winced as he realized that she knew what he was avoiding discussing.

"Jennifer. I'm sorry."

He thought of who he had been – of the sleazy and seamy places he had gone for comfort… and he was disgusted anew. Jennifer had been this incredibly bright star in the sky – a virgin, for crying out loud, and a beautiful and fascinating woman as well. Jack had been everything she wasn't, and still she had pursued him with unflagging energy and certainty.

She looked at him with abashed regret.

"No. You didn't want to talk about it," she said. "I should have left it alone."

"Jennifer – you have the right to ask me about things like that – at least – you do if we are going to try to make this work. "

"You've never asked me about my past relationships."

"We aren't talking about my past relationships and you know it."

She shook her head. "It's hard to reconcile you with someone who would do stuff like that."

"I know."

"Did you do that before your marriage?"

"No," he said uncomfortably.

"Okay. I'll stop talking about this."

"You don't have to."

"I think we should go back to what we were talking about," she said uneasily trying to push the image of Jack soliciting the services of a prostitute out of her mind. It was an uncomfortable image – it made him seem somewhat sinister in her mind – sinister and sleazy, and she didn't want that image. She wanted to remember and visualize the times that she had been with jack – when he had been her hero.

"You mean – Steve's death," he asked quickly - also eager to move away from the current topic.

"Uh… yeah," she said, dazedly still trying to shake her thoughts free of what they had been discussing. "You aren't sure that Lawrence had something to do with it?"

"I _believe_ he did. But when it comes to evidence, we don't have a lot of proof."

"But you believe he did it."

"Yes."

"And so do Shane and Kayla?"

"Yes."

"Then that's what matters here. Lawrence is a killer, Jack. You were never capable of that."

"Some of the things I did could have led to people's deaths. I arranged to have someone attack Steve… and that guy left Steve for dead. I'm incredibly lucky that Steve survived that. And then I nearly got Emilio and Kayla killed when I tried to get Harper out of jail. If I had succeeded with Harper, I'm sure he would have killed more people – and their deaths would be on my hands as well."

"Jack you made really bad choices… and they nearly got people killed, but you weren't happy about that –"

"I didn't do anything to stop it either. I knew that the guy had left Steve in bad shape – he said to me over the phone that I wouldn't have to worry about Steve Johnson any more. I knew that, and I didn't arrange to get him help. I knew that Emilio and Kayla were in danger, and again – although I didn't want _Kayla_ hurt, I didn't exactly do anything to get her or Emilio out of danger."

"Jack –"

"I guess Lawrence wanted to kill people, and that's where we are different. But his behavior – back at the villa when he was trying to intimidate you – and the way he's been acting now – it's a repeat of things that I once did. I once made Kayla believe that Steve's continued existence depended on her playing the game right. I didn't want her to let on that anything bad had happened – I didn't want my precious career to suffer. Jennifer, I harassed her in exactly the same manner that Lawrence –"

"Stop," she aid, putting her hands up to her ears. "I can't hear that right now," she said frantically.

He stopped talking, feeling guilty about pushing her like that.

"I just thought you should… know."

She nodded, lowering her hands. "I know. I just –I can't take it all in at once," she said. "Please don't think that I can't accept your past. I … don't hate you for what you did, nor do I suddenly feel like you need to explain yourself. I just - I can't stop thinking about it sometimes – and I hate that. I feel like I've betrayed you."

"Jennifer. You absolutely haven't betrayed me."

"Jack. Before Lawrence, I was … I was innocent."

"Well – not -"

"You know what I mean. I looked at everything with a certain amount of… naivety. You called me on it on numerous occasions, but I think you actually really liked that about me."

"I do at times find your viewpoint endearing," he said with a smile, "and I'm not trying to be condescending either. I really do – I think you've helped me on more than one occasion to crawl out of my own miserable thoughts by your insistence that everything was going to be just fine."

"But I'm not that woman anymore," she said, her voice strained and harsh. "I'm not innocent. He took that. He stole it, and I can't get it back. I'm not the woman you fell in love with – she's gone for good. And now – I feel like it's not fair for me to suddenly have problems with your past – because I hadn't in such along time – not since I started trusting you. Once I started trusting you, I just threw it all out the window."

"Jennifer, nobody stays the same. Life isn't like that."

"But it wasn't time that changed me over a long period of time – it was one event – and overnight I went from who I once was, to who I am now. Can you love me – even if I look at things differently now."

"By things, you mean me?"

"I guess – you're one of those things."

"Jennifer, I'm just not sure you can deal with having me in your life. That's really my biggest problem here."

"All I can tell you is that I've been frozen and numb. Everything seems to happen around me – but I don't feel a part of it anymore. And the only time I've felt close to how I felt before it all happened is when I'm around you."

"Around me? Jennifer, I hate to argue with you – "

She grinned at that, but said nothing.

"You haven't exactly been acting comfortable around me. If anything, you've seemed to want to be alone a lot."

"Yes. But do you remember that first night back home – when I begged you to stay with me?"

"You were just trying to cover up that something had happened. I'm sure you'd have rather been alone."

"No. I really needed you there. I really did. I tried to tell you that…"

"But your entire body language said something different. Jennifer, you were very uncomfortable with me being around you."

"Because I was lying to you, Jack. I had this horrible secret. I felt if you found out the world would end. I was terrified that something would happen and you would find out and I would lose you. It's hard to feel comfortable when you're afraid all the time of slipping up."

"It was more than that."

"Yeah," she said, nodding. "After Lawrence raped me, I was in general uncomfortable around people. I just wanted to be alone, but when I was alone, I missed you terribly. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's not uncommon with –"

"Victims of rape," he said, filling in the blanks. "Don't hold back on my account, Jennifer. The last thing you need to do is worry about me in all this. That's one of the many problems with us – I don't want to get in your way."

"Jack, all I know is – when you're around, I feel better than when you aren't around."

"But you didn't want to go away together –"

"Because I knew it would come out. I knew you were suspicious and I knew that somehow, it would come out. I almost blurted it out on New Years after you got angry."

"When I scared the living hell out of you."

"Jack, it wasn't really you."'

"You weren't talking to Lawrence then. You were specifically talking to me."

"I know. But … I wouldn't have been that way if it weren't for the fact that Lawrence did what he did. It's not abnormal for someone who's been through what I've been through to be sensitive to anger."

"I understand that, Jennifer – but I'm wondering if it was Frankie instead of me – would you have felt as badly about it?"

"I –I don't know," she said agitatedly. "I don't think I can really answer that. Why does it even matter?"

"Because if you do have misgivings at me and my intent, that's something you need to be honest about," he said awkwardly.

"I'm not afraid of **you**."

"Are you absolutely sure about that?"

"I was afraid of losing you, Jack. That's all."

"Then why did you react that way?"

"It was instinctive? Your actions scared me, I reacted. I didn't think –"

"Didn't think what?"

"Jack. I don't want to go where you're taking this."

"We have no choice, Jennifer. We're already there. Believe me, I hate being there as much as you do."

"I didn't think you were about to harm me in any way," she said, unable to say the words.

"I was angry. I was jealous. It was almost an anniversary of the day that I attacked Kayla," he said, also unable to use the word in this way. "It's natural you might –"

"No. I wasn't afraid of that," she said earnestly, her gaze direct and open. "I didn't think you would or could do that."

"How could you be so sure," he asked, his voice tormented. "How could you be sure, when I don't even know myself? Jennifer, I have no idea how I could have done that or all the subsequent bullshit in the first place. How I could have treated Kayla and everyone else as badly as I did? I can't even imagine how I could have done the things I did."

"Jack – what happened wasn't… you weren't this guy who secretly hated women – you were just… pushed – into an anger you couldn't control."

"Jennifer, what I did was my own fault."

"I know – but what I'm trying to say is that – so much about your life was turbulent. From the time you were born – up until that time, you'd been through your fair share of upheaval. Your adoptive father, the man you were trying so hard to please and to emulate – he was a serial killer who hated women. When you found out about Kayla and Steve, you were angry – and rightfully so. From your perspective, you'd been made a complete fool of – and if people found out your political career would be over – nobody would respect you – or at least – that's what you probably believed, and had been taught by Harper. You were probably very afraid of looking weak to him. I'm not trying to downplay what you did, but I'm trying to say that I can understand your anger and your fear. I can also understand how you could be the man you are today – even given what you did. You had a lot of extraordinary things happen that helped push you back on track."

"Against my will, as I recall."

"However you may have felt about being a Johnson or Harper being a serial killer – those things may well have saved you."

"And you?"

"What do you mean?"

"When you came to work for me, I was still a jerk. I was using the paper to hurt people I didn't like. I was deliberately trying to harass Diana into selling half to me. The only reason I'd gotten involved in the paper to begin with was to stop the paper from printing the truth about me. I was mean-spirited, ornery –"

"I thought I was ornery."

"You are – but in a cute way. My brand of ornery wasn't cute by any stretch of the imagination."

"But you changed. I saw it happen."

"I know. And how much of that wasn't because you wanted me to – or because Jo, Steve or Adrienne wanted it? What if I'm only what other people make me out to be?"

"You aren't. It hurts you to think of the bad things you did. That's your pain –not the pain you think you should feel."

"I don't – I don't know."

"But I do. Jack, I can't promise I'll ever look at you the way I once did," she said, suddenly tentative. "That girl is probably gone for good. But I do love you very much, and I meant what I said in those tunnels. You really are my hero. I guess the question is - do you still feel the same way about me after all that's been said and done?"

"Jennifer – "

"Do you still love me, even though I'm not that innocent girl anymore?"

"Jennifer, that's not so simple either. You aren't a different person either. You are still the same incredible person you've always been. You look at things – you look at me differently – you look at life differently – but you're still here."

"I … don't feel that way most of the time."

"I don't imagine you would."

"What can I do about that?"

"Well – I think – counseling might help."

"Yes. I agree. And I'll do that."

"So that's going to help you –"

"Right."

"And… whatever else you need to do."

"Like what?"

"Well, I don't know. Tell your family – maybe? Increase the size of your support system?"

She grinned. "Now I can tell you've been to therapy."

"Fine. Mock me as much as you want. But don't avoid here. I mean – you are going to tell your family, aren't you? At least your grandmother. I think she suspects anyway."

"I'm pretty sure she does. I do plan on telling her – I have the courage to, thanks to you. I'll probably let my whole family know."

"You have a good family – you can turn to them – you can rely on them. You have good friends, too."

"You're wondering if I'm planning on telling Kayla, aren't you?"

"Well. I guess. I am." His tone was embarrassed as he admitted this.

"I don't know. I don't know how public I plan on taking this. You know – sometimes – sometimes I think I might… even have the courage to – go really public with this."

"I take it you're referring to pressing charges."

"Every single time he says something to me – every time he holds this over my head – I want to turn tables on him. I want him to know what it's like to be as afraid as he made me feel… as he's continued to make me feel with all his stupid comments and threats."

Jack closed his eyes against the memories.

"I know. I know what he's doing," he muttered in disgust.

"Jack, I'm sorry –"

"Don't be. Jennifer. You have no reason to be. Listen, Lawrence is far from leaving you alone. If you do press charges, you might stop him in his tracks. But… it'll get ugly. Lawrence will make damned sure of that. He _will_ drag your name through the mud, and there's every chance he will walk away unscathed. He's an expert at driving other people down. He doesn't care, and he's going to push back as hard as he feels he's being pushed."

"I know," she said. "That's why I've been afraid of taking that step. But like I said –every time he says something to me, I get a little less afraid of it."

He nodded. "You want to fight back. To take control."

"Yes."

"Well. I understand that. And… if it's what you need… then, it's what you need."

She smiled softly at him, reading through his words.

"I know this will be terribly difficult for you," she said softly. "If I do go public like that… and I don't want to hurt you."

"You can't let my past stop you from doing what's right," he said vehemently. "We won't stand a chance if you do that."

"Does that mean we stand a chance? I mean – do you still want me?"

"Jennifer – I love you, no matter what."

"You said that one of the things that you found endearing was my innocence. Like I said earlier, I don't have that anymore."

"And I believe that everything about you that makes you Jennifer Horton is all still there. "

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I believe in you."

Her heart flipped at those words – echoing words she had spoken to him, not so long ago when she was trying to persuade him that he was a good man.

"Jack, do you believe that I won't hurt you again?"

"Nobody can promise that, Jennifer."

"You know what I mean."

"I don't believe that it can't happen again. I think there's a possibility that you might never be able to have a future with me because of what I did. I think that possibility… isn't exactly the remotest thing in the world. But I think … there's a reasonable chance we can make this thing work between us – and – I think it's worth trying."

"So … you'll give it a chance?"

"I… wanted to – as you recall –"

"I know, but you didn't know what I was hiding," she said. "I think you thought that I was just having second thoughts because of Frankie. Something which could _never _happen, by the way."

"I know that," he said. "I'm sorry I made a difficult situation worse with my jealousy."

"I understand jealousy. I was very jealous of Isabella once. It hurt to see you together – I remember how that felt."

"And I wanted to encourage that feeling to push you away. I'm sorry – "

"That's well and truly in the past," she said firmly.

"So – uh – where do we go from here," he asked. "We've talked more about our relationship today than I ever have in any amount of time with anyone else."

"And I know how much you love doing that," she gently teased him.

"For you… I bend the rules."

"Well. Thanks."

"But seriously, Jennifer… are you ready to take the next step?"

"The next step," she repeated, suddenly feeling on edge again. "Well – I can't – I can't just… I mean –"

"What exactly do you think I'm talking about?"

"I – I don't know. What were you talking about?"

"I meant – are you going to talk to your grandmother now? Or – maybe make an appointment for counseling – your next step…"

"Oh."

"What did you think I meant?"

"I thought you were talking about tonight. About us. About maybe making love."


	6. Chapter 6

"That's really what you thought I meant," he asked after a moment of nonplussed silence?

She was silent for a long moment herself and then she looked down.

"Maybe it's what _I_ thought the next step might be."

"Ah. I see," he said, desperately floundering now for some kind of solid ground.

"That's all you're going to say?"

"I don't much know what else to say."

"Well, what do you think," she asked him nervously?

"I'm not entirely sure."

"You're deliberately being evasive. You think _something. _I want to know what that something is. Please, Jack- don't close off on me now. What do you really think?"

"About making love being the next step for us?"

"Yes."

"Jennifer, you haven't wanted to in recent times ... I'm not sure why you think that's going to have changed."

"I just wondered if maybe things would be different now that you know. I mean, if I might react differently. Maybe I've been having trouble because I felt guilty about keeping it a secret."

"Well, maybe that's true," he said,cautiously. "However, you don't have to prove anything – at least not to me. Now that I know – I – I mean – there's no rush, right?"

"You don't want to make love with me?"

"That's a difficult question to answer."

"Answer it anyway."

"I just don't think it's a good idea right now. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready."

"You're afraid I'll have another bad reaction?"

"Yes."

His honesty surprised her.

"Jack – I can't make any promises. How can we ever get closer if you need a guarantee? I can't guarantee that – that it won't be a rocky road or that I might not – have a change of – if – if what Lawrence did is still a problem for me."

"You can change your mind. That's not the problem. Okay? I understand that. And I'm not asking for a guarantee. I just want better odds."

"Odds?"

"I'm not saying this well," he said, seeing the tension in her eyes and hearing it in her voice. "I'm not trying to be a jerk, but I don't seem to be able to help it. I don't want you to feel I'm second guessing you... but recent history indicates that the odds are that right now you're not ready. "

"You're afraid I'll do what I did before?"

"Not exactly that – but something approximating."

"Are you afraid I'll slap you?"

"I'd... rather that than the other thing."

"You mean what I said?"

"Yeah."

"Jack, I really did mean him."

"You could mean him again. Jennifer, I'm not blaming you for that, nor am I angry about it – but I have to tell you that it's still something I'm leery about."

"I hadn't... it hadn't occurred to me that you would be afraid to get close too. I feel like I harmed you in some way."

"You didn't."

"But I did. You were so afraid to get close to me, and I was relentless. When you finally opened up your heart to me, I hurt you."

"With adequate provocation. Both from me, and from your memories."

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"I remember it differently," he said uncomfortably wishing the conversation would end.

"Jack -"

"Look, Jennifer – I know you don't blame me for what happened at the cabin – but I still feel badly about my part in triggering your flashback. Look – we'll manage to find our way out of this, or around it – or through it – with, at least on my part, a healthy dose of therapy. But... I have to say that giving togetherness a try right now worries me. And that doesn't have anything to do with you – or what Lawrence did – I mean – what he did doesn't effect how I feel about you."

"How do you feel about me," she asked, smarting from the rejection?

"You know how I feel about you."

"I kind of need to hear it now."

"Well, I feel the same way I did before we broke up."

"Jack."

"I love you, Jennifer, you know that."

"Thanks," she said somewhat sarcastically.

"Look. I'm sorry. I guess I'm kind of feeling a little... I mean, you know I have trouble with this -"

"I know you say you do. It's a convenient wall to hide behind."

"Wait a minute - I may be the king of emotional instability, but I do think I laid a lot on the line the last few months - I was very open with how I felt about you – both with you and with other people."

"Jack, Jack – you're right. You have been open and you did bare your heart and soul and you got hurt again. I'm sorry – I was being insensitive."

"No. You weren't. You were trying to tell me something just now."

"What was I trying to tell you?"

"You need comforting. You need to know you aren't alone in this anymore. You aren't, you know. I swear to you. You aren't alone anymore."

"Thank you," she said, this time meaning it.

He walked over to her and took one of her hands in his.

"I'm sorry I've disappointed you. I know it wasn't easy for you to suggest, and I made it all about me again."

"Jack, I'd rather you were honest. I don't want to push you."

"Do you really think telling me might have made that big a difference?"

"Are you having a change of heart," she said, suddenly feeling apprehensive.

"Well... from over _there_," he indicated where he had been standing, "what I was saying seemed to make all the sense in the world. But now, from over _here, _things suddenly look a little different."

"Really," she said, smiling at him, despite herself and her sudden attack of the nerves.

"Well... yeah – I guess – if you want to test the waters, the least I could do is go in with you."

"Jack, that's such a terrible metaphor."

"Oh, please don't even get me started."

"So... uh – what exactly are you proposing?"

"Do you think I could kiss you?"

She smiled at him, charmed by the endearingly gallant way he asked the question.

"Yeah. I think you could."

Jennifer closed her eyes in the sheer anticipation of his kiss. She felt her heart almost bursting as she felt that long missed sensation of his hand gently holding onto her face as he usually did when he kissed her. After the horrible events at the cabin, she wasn't sure she would ever feel that feeling again. She held her breath in anticipation and then she felt his kiss and she tried to cancel out the warring sensations and thoughts and just give into the good feelings. But the tension took hold of her, and tightened her throat and made her feel like breathing was going to be hit or miss, and she gently pulled back. Her breathing was labored again and she fought to control it, to return it to ease.

"Jack," she said, letting the simple utterance of his name convey all her disappointment with herself.

"Hey, we gave it a try," he said awkwardly, not wanting her to feel that he was pressuring her in any way. "Points for that at least."

"Points? What do we get to turn them in for?"

"Oh, one never knows... a dishwasher, perhaps, or maybe even someday, a diamond ring?"

She smiled at him, recognizing that in his own way, he was trying to get something across to her. He was trying to give her hope for their future, and in that moment, she felt her heart burst with love for him.


	7. Chapter 7

Jack and Jennifer stood there a moment, silently communicating their love for one another when the shrill tone of the phone ringing interrupted the moment.

Jennifer jumped nervously, and Jack looked at her curiously. Jennifer had been jumpy since coming home, and now that he knew why, he was starting to notice it more.

"It's okay – it's just the phone," he said calmly. "Please excuse me."

Jack left for a few moments and Jennifer could hear the murmured sounds of a conversation going on in the other room. A few moments later, he returned, looking somewhat introspective.

"Is everything all right," she asked nervously, seeing the tension in his body.

He walked right up to her and gently took her hands. Jennifer was surprised by the gesture and tensed up, worried that he had some terrible news to deliver.

"Jack, please. It isn't my grandmother, is it," she said, suddenly feeling panic stricken.

"No. No. I'm sorry," he said urgently trying to get her to calm down before she worked herself up. "It was Julie, and everyone is just fine."

"What did Julie want?"

"Well... she called to tell me that she's trying to organize a meeting of all of us who were at the villa."

"What for," asked Jennifer knowing full well what the answer was likely to be.

"Ostensibly to just get together and celebrate our surviving that terrible ordeal. But ... off the record, to start planning ways to make sure that Lawrence... ah – that he pays... for the crimes he's committed. I... I know this will be hard for you, and... I didn't accept for you, but I did say you were here and I'd pass it on."

"Did you accept?"

"Yes. But your secret is safe – unless you want to go public with it, and then... I'll support that too."

She smiled sadly. "I can't believe I was so afraid to tell you. All that wasted time, and then that horrible pain I caused you. I set our relationship back with my reaction to you that day – and if I'd just told you from the get go – none of that would have happened."

"Or I might have fled to the other side of the world. Jennifer – you ... you can't second guess yourself. You needed that time, and I'm just glad that you were able to deal with my knowing now."

"It's... so unbelievably ... liberating – to be able to share this with you. Jack every time I saw that look in your eyes – hurt and fear... when you didn't know why you were losing me – you just knew you were... it was so horrible. That day you proposed, and then to not be able to joyfully accept – after all the times I'd imagined how it would be... and then you made it so much beyond my imagination – the most incredible proposal a man ever gave to a woman - I could have died."

"No. Dying is not an option," he said firmly. "Promise me – no matter how hard things get – you never choose that path."

"Oh, I won't – I was just -"

"Vern's wife killed herself," said Jack fiercely. "The idea of... you doing that – of anyone doing that – in response, especially to that particular crime – it's beyond contemplation. I can't even bear to think about it."

"Jack," she said, gripping his hand gently. "I'm sorry. I really would never do that."

He gave her a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"I"m going to hold you to that," he said.

She smiled at him.

"I'll go to this meeting," she said softly. "Lawrence needs to pay for his crimes. At least some of them. Nobody should get away with the things he's done."

Jack felt a spasm of pain at her words, and Jennifer saw it flicker in his eyes. He dropped her hands and moved away a bit.

"No. Nobody should," he repeated distantly, thinking now of how Kayla had been denied her chance at justice. He couldn't regret his freedom, but he did regret the pain it must have caused Kayla when she felt forced to accept that plea bargain.

"Jack. I'm so glad you didn't go to jail," she said imploringly. "You ... you were never that bad a person. You were never a general threat to society."

"Oh. I was. If society was Steve and Kayla. Jennifer – I'd never have done what I did to Kayla again, but I did other terrible things – things that were crimes... hiring thugs to beat up Steve? And then of course, there's helping Harper escape from prison. I – I should have gone to jail."

"But underneath it all was a caring and loving person. You were just hurt, and you were hiding under all that -"

"Jennifer, what did you really think of the verdict back when it happened? You must have been outraged for Kayla." Jack was stunned at himself that he was pushing the conversation this way, but something inside him kept egging it on.

"I admit – I wasn't exactly thrilled, but then again, it wasn't really on my mind all that much. I was too busy being involved in my own life... the privilege of 18, I guess."

"You thought that a bad person had escaped the rightful penalty for his actions. What did you think when you walked into the Spectator office and saw me there? You must have wanted to turn around and get as far away from me as possible. Even if I didn't pose a physical threat to you, surely you must have known I was trouble."

"I... I admit... I admit that I wasn't exactly... I was a bit unsettled. I didn't expect you – I was expecting Diana. Like you said, a friendly face – an easy sell for my story idea, which, as you said, was done for the purpose of appealing to a man I liked."

"And when you realized that you'd have to convince me, you wanted to abandon the whole idea. Disappointing Emilio, who you liked at the time, was less unpalatable than dealing with me."

"I admit that... I can hardly deny it, since we were both there," she said with a grin. "Jack, you didn't make it easy with that remark about blondes under thirty. You had to know that was a disturbing comment – so why did you make it?"

"To keep you at arms length. To keep you off balance. That's how I dealt with everyone. Don't care about anyone or anything, and don't let anyone get the better of me. Those were my credos. Keep them off balance so that they don't notice how utterly off balance I was."

"Oh, Jack," she said sadly.

"I kept trying to ... needle you, I suppose, and you surprised the heck out of me. I mean, when you walked in, I thought you were going to sell girl scout cookies."

"Jack," she said in mock indignation. "Come on."

"No. Really," he said with a short laugh. "I thought – okay – thin mints, or samoas – both are deadly to that waistline, but wow, are they good."

"Jack."

"I fully expected you to launch into your spiel about needing to sell them for some camping trip or another, and then the next thing I know – you totally threw me for a loop. You weren't a little girl – you were a young woman trying to sell a story. And you didn't back down either, no matter how many of my best cat-and-mouse tactics I tried on you. And meanwhile, I was there, terrified, because you of all people had witnessed one of the top ten most humiliating moments of my life. And I was humbled by you – because I knew I'd hurt your family badly – your brother - your father and uncle – all people who at one point or another had actually tried to help me – especially your father and brother who saved my life – and I repaid them all by trying to discredit them ... and there you were, like some young noble paragon of virtue, standing there, looking at me with those blue eyes - "

"_Green_, Jack," she intercepted, knowing full well he was baiting her to try to lighten the moment.

"Green eyes. Sorry. I'm color blind you see..."

"Uh huh."

"Laugh if you want, but it's a terrible disadvantage in this blue-green world of ours... the point is – you had me off balance from the moment you walked in, and I didn't want you to know. By the time you had left, I was so unbelievably unnerved by you. You went from 'that girl, Jennifer' to – that beautiful and incredible woman. I wasn't in love with you – but... I was intrigued by you. I'm guessing you didn't exactly feel the same way."

"Well. I admit," she said, a smile curling around her mouth. "I was glad to get away... Jack, you did that on purpose though - pushing me away – if you had smiled at me with that really genuine smile of yours, and dropped all the pretense, I'd have been in love with you before five minutes were up."

"Then it's a very good thing I didn't," he said seriously. "Jennifer, I **was** still bad news back then. Not exactly ready for prime time."

"I know. I think I understand more about that now than ever before," she said uncomfortably. "I'm sorry I pushed you so hard before you were ready."

"Jennifer – I'm not. I needed that push, and I'm glad you did what you did. I'm only sorry I was so emotionally stupid."

"Well, you aren't right now," she said smiling.

He reached out and stroked some of the strands of her soft hair between his fingers.

"I nearly missed out on the best moments of my life," he said in a rare moment of emotional openness. "Oh. Oh – I'm sorry," he said, withdrawing his hand from her hair. "Did that bother you?"

"No," she hastily reassured him. "No. I like it. When you do that, I feel so loved."

"Uh – well. Good. Because you are. And... if that makes you feel it, then, my work here is done."

"Oh, it is?"

"Well..."

"Jack. You know – before we go to this meeting... when is it?"

"Wednesday evening. 8 pm."

"Okay. Before we do all that, I want to tell my family about what Lawrence did."


	8. Chapter 8

Jack was silent for a brief moment, and then he nodded, trying to quell his growing panic. _Great. Wait until the media gets hold of this. The rape victim and rapist. Story at eleven._

"Sure. Makes sense to me."

"It does?"

"Jennifer, it's the logical next step. Your grandmother probably already knows anyway, and maybe it would make her feel better knowing that you're starting to find ways to get past what he did."

"It's more than that, and I think you know it."

"You're thinking of bringing this up at the meeting, and you want certain people to know ahead time."

"Yes."

"Right." He half turned away from her to get his feelings under control. "Your Grandmother. Julie, of course. And... and obviously - Kayla."

"I know this is going to be hard for you," she said softly. "It kind of dredges things up for you again. I think it's something I have to do, however." Her voice was regretful but firm.

He spun slightly to face her. His expression was intent.

"_Have_ to do. It seems you have a lot of that. You _had_ to tell me about the details... you _have_ to tell your family... it's as if day to day life has become one big burden to you."

"Sometimes it does feel that way," she agreed with a weary sigh.

"But... not all the time?" He couldn't quite suppress the note of hopeful yearning in his tone.

"No. Not all the time. Not anymore. Being with you isn't a burden. I actually feel pretty good being here with you."

He nodded. "Well, naturally. I do have that effect on people," he said dryly. "No. I'm sorry. I'm doing it again. Jennifer, yes – it'll be very difficult – but I think you have to do what you feel is right."

"What he did might provide our only actionable legal claim. I – I owe it to everyone... you know – to let them know. Maybe even to press charges."

"Jennifer, you shouldn't sacrifice your own well-being to see that he goes to jail."

"I wouldn't be. I know I'd make it through all right with you on my side, and my family and friends -"

"You know you'd be targeted by the media. Rape victim and her rapist boyfriend!" He winced as the words spilled out. He hadn't meant to say exactly that. _But it's true. That's exactly what we are, she and I._

Jennifer inhaled sharply at his words. They seared her sensitive nerves and she turned away, not wanting him to see her response.

"Jack," she said imploringly. "I don't want..." _I don't want to think of you in that way._

"Jennifer," he said in an equally imploring tone. "I know it hurts to hear that. I'm sorry, but it's true. That's what we'll face. You could be mobbed by some really ugly publicity and at the end of the day, Lawrence might still go free for what he did. You know that. _I _know that. Boy, do I _ever_ know that."

"I know you do," she said tensely. "And I haven't said that I'm going to go public with it. I'm just telling the other survivors. They should know – it should be on the table."

"I'm just saying to do it because you think it'll make you feel better, not because you feel like it's something you have to do."

She turned back to face him, her eyes meeting his almost challengingly.

"I guess it'll make me feel better to have it on the table."

"Then ... I stand behind you. Or maybe off to the side. I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't be there ..."

"Jack, No. I want you to go."

"Can I think about it and get back to you?"

"Well, I guess so," she said, feeling hurt. "It's just that – I'm going to need you, Jack. I know this will hurt you, but - I'm being selfish here and I'm telling you that I think I need you to do this."

"Duly noted, Jennifer. I promise to come back with an answer soon."

"Okay. Hint taken. But... will you take me to the hospital? My Grandmother has returned to light duties there, and I want to tell her first."

"Sure. No problem."

"And... then -"

"Kayla. I know. She'll probably be there too."

"How did you know?"

"Jennifer, it's okay. It's much better if she finds out before the meeting. It's bound to bring up some really bad memories and feelings and it's better for all of us if that happens when I'm not around."

"Jack..."

"It may be that she won't want to be at that meeting with me once she knows. I'm not trying to put her ahead of you, but I did this terrible thing. I tried to destroy her happiness – so now, I owe her... an infinite well of consideration. And now, she's a widow – and - "

"Jack, I'm not jealous about the way you feel in regards to Kayla. If it's too hard for her to be around you after finding out, then definitely you both can't be at this meeting. I just think you should let Kayla decide. She's surprised you in the past."

"Yeah. When she let Steve include me in their wedding, when she wrote that letter... so many times..."

"Exactly. I don't think Kayla's reaction can be predicted with any kind of certainty, so please tell me you're keeping your options open."

"They are open."

"Thanks," she said lovingly.

"But it'll all be moot if we don't press on."

"Yes. Yes. Let's go."


	9. Chapter 9

Much later, Jennifer found herself knocking on her Grandmother's office door.

"Jennifer, dear. Come in!"

Jennifer felt a rush of joy at the simple and loving reception that her grandmother gave her. It was one of the few constants in her turbulent life – the steady love, wisdom and acceptance that came from her grandparents. The joy was short-lived as she remembered how tenuous her grandmother's footing in this world had seemed not too long ago, and Jennifer couldn't help but blame herself.

She took a deep and fortifying breath and then entered the office. Carefully she closed the door before taking a seat on the couch next to her grandmother.

"Grandma. How are you feeling," she asked in solicitous concern.

"I'm just fine. So stop worrying already."

Jennifer smiled at the acerbic comment which was softened by the twinkle in Alice's beautiful aged eyes.

She found herself dumbstruck, unable to find the starting point of this conversation.

"Jennifer? What brings you by? I can see by your body language that you didn't just come to see how I was doing."

"Your well-being is very important to me, Grandma."

"I know. That wasn't criticism." She hesitated, looking at the fear in Jennifer's eyes. "Jennifer. What is it? Is it Jack? Are you two still unable to work through what happened?"

"Jack brought me here, actually," she said, an unbidden smile breaking it's way onto her face.

"Really? And by that glorious smile, am I to assume you've mended fences?"

"Well, we aren't engaged. But... we are together again."

"That's wonderful! I suppose you've finally told Jack what it is that's been bothering you?"

"Not quite. He kind of guessed... with a little help from Isabella. It's kind of a long story, but it ends with Jack coming to my apartment and asking me if Lawrence raped me." She looked at her grandmother with a mix of hesitant guilt and concern on her face. What of her grandmother blamed her for getting into this situation? Could she handle it if she did?

Alice inhaled sharply. She had suspected that Jennifer had likely been raped, but to hear her say it was something far worse than just supposing it.

"Oh. Jennifer. I... I had wondered about that."

"It... it happened on... the night I married him," she said, her voice suddenly shaky. Her hands were trembling as she tried to grip the mug of tea her grandmother had thrust there earlier on in their conversation, but now, she felt the urgent need to place it down before she spilled.

Jennifer crinkled her brow with distress and shook her head hard as if to banish the memory. "Anyway – because of that... I ... I just... I haven't been handling it well. I... I couldn't... get close after that – and Jack didn't understand why I had gone from – from one extreme to another. He thought I was losing interest, Grandma, but then I made it so much worse when... when I called him a rapist. I hurt him so badly, and I don't know if I can ever forgive myself!" Her voice was a plaintive plea, as she sought her grandmother's counsel for what seemed to be the millionth time.

"You will. Jennifer, in time you'll find your way to accepting a lot of things, including your own reasons for not being able to tell Jack. It's a hard thing to live with, and with Jack's past, you've had the added burden of worrying about him distancing himself from you all over again. By the way. You can tell him if he starts that up again, I might just have to step in. He can't afford to indulge in any of that nonsense anymore. If you need him, he's got to be there for you."

Jennifer smiled at her Grandmother's autocratic pronouncement. Alice liked to play the tyrant, but underneath it was such a solid and warm vein of love.

"He's been great, Grandma. He's been really great."

"I wouldn't expect anything else from the man he's allowed himself to be. But... it's this kind of thing that really tests the mettle of a relationship. You two will have to endure a lot of bumps before the path is smooth again. For Jack, there's bound to be a lot of pain because of his own actions with Kayla. He will revisit all those feelings of guilt."

"Jack always has that guilt," she said. "He had finally learned to put it in it's place and not let it run his life...before all of this happened, that is."

"And now, it's going to be a struggle all over again for him. The good thing is – he knows you need him which means he won't be able to face the struggle alone. The bad thing is – you will probably also be joining him in this struggle. Jennifer, there's every kind of possibility that you might have problems with the things he's done now that you've gone through something similar. I hope you are honest with yourself if those feelings come forth. I really think therapy is a good way to get those feelings sorted out and understood."

"I know, Grandma," she said, troubled. "I admit that his past has weighed heavily on my mind at times. I'm not afraid of him. But... sometimes it really hurts to think that he could have done that... sometimes I feel like I need to know what happened... and that need to know is so overpowering. But I could never ask him. Could I?"

"Jennifer, I can't answer that. But I do know that a relationship that isn't based on honesty doesn't stand a chance at being happy and if you dwell on his past and don't tell him, he'll know something is wrong, and he'll be afraid to open his heart to you again."

"So... a bumpy road, right?"

"The worst is over, darling," said Alice softly, reaching over to envelop her beautiful grandchild in a reassuring hug.


	10. Chapter 10

Jack sighed heavily for what seemed to be the thousandth time. Waiting was for the birds and it was something he was woefully inept at doing.

He felt nervous and on edge while Jennifer was spilling her story to her Grandmother. He worried about how the family would view him now – now that Jennifer had been the victim of the same terrible crime he had himself committed. Would they worry anew about the suitability of their relationship?

His history with the Horton family had been tumultuous and paved with his own ill-intentions.

Melissa, of course… that ill-fated affair. Melissa was important to him – not as a pawn to political acceptance, but rather as a deliverer of salvation. Her love and acceptance of him throughout his worst days gave him the energy he needed to face each day anew. Although he didn't love her, and at times held her in contempt for her sheer blindness where he was concerned, he also had a tender spot for her. He remembered being so angry at himself for _not_ noticing her love for him.

But Melissa had left him in the end, and now, looking back, he could well understand why. He remembered her walking in on him arranging a date with another woman on the day of his wedding. Just how stupid did he think she was – just how little did he value her? At the time, however, he was incensed. He felt Melissa had deliberately set him up for failure, and perhaps on some level she had. She could have ended things more privately – her method of choice had been done to punish him, and looking back, he couldn't help but understand that impulse – it's one he himself had exercised when he felt he had been hurt.

In fact, her rejection of him had led him to try to destroy the one thing he yearned for – her family. He had systematically gone after Mike and Mickey – causing a great deal of pain and anguish to all the Hortons – all the people who were now lovingly accepting him into their family.

Alice and Tom – indeed all the Hortons – they had all been skeptical and fearful for the safety of Jennifer Rose Horton. At that party, he could feel their fear for her coming off of them in waves. The monster had gotten his clutches into the young princess… and the young princess was overestimating her strength, and underestimating the danger. Something the young princess had recently done when interacting with Lawrence, only this time, Jack was the knight – or the prince – or whatever… he was the protagonist, trying to save her from the clutches of something wicked.

Not so long ago, when Alice had come upon him at the loft babysitting Hannah, it was clear she felt menaced by his being at Jennifer's place. She had warned him away… and at first, he had been hurt. But when she firmly laid out her reasons, naming his victims for him to hear and not forget, he felt humbled and ashamed. He had nodded at her warning, letting her know that the message had hit center and true.

After that, he held up his defenses whenever she was around, he tried to act like he just didn't care, but deep inside, he was begging whatever powers existed in the universe to help him break free of the prison that he himself had created. Simply put, he hated being the bad guy that everyone feared and hated.

Eventually he stopped blaming others for his lot, and started to see things the way Alice Horton saw them. Jack Deveraux was bad news – and a girl like Jennifer should stay far away from a guy like him. He began futilely trying to back away from the intimacy that he had allow to grow between Jennifer and himself, and Alice had once again tried to step in – this time, her disapproval was aimed at the way he was denying what was in his heart.

As gratified as he was to hear that she might be open to a relationship between himself and Jennifer, he was too self-aware to let something like that happen, and he kept trying his very best to get Jennifer to see what everyone could see so clearly – he wasn't the right man for her.

But in the end, she won out, and when she did – he was afraid her family would never really approve. Although they seemed to be accepting of his presence, there was always still a sense of discordance. When Tom had urged him to see a therapist, he was amazed he had even thought to question the order – because an order it was. Tom was still trying to protect Jennifer from whatever urges existed in Jack's heart that allowed him to hurt so many people the way he had once done.

Although he felt that the Hortons were trying to make him feel welcome, he didn't actually feel it until after the experience at the villa. Alice's joy at their being together and Tom's gratitude that Jack took care of his girls – it was real and from the heart, and from that moment on, Jack had felt like they were in his corner. Ironically the one thing that began to make him feel like an outsider again was the one force that had pulled him so inexorably in: Jennifer Horton, and while he floundered about trying to figure out what was wrong with her, he even found himself begging counsel from her once very feared grandmother.

Christmas had been an incredibly awkward day for him. He had felt twice as large as anyone – a huge elephant in a small room full of breakable things: out of place, and very likely to be considered an intrusion. When Melissa had gleefully announced the fact that Jennifer was wearing his ring, he had felt as if he was unable to breath. He had been absolutely terrified in that moment and had desperately wanted to vanish into thin air. He wondered now if Melissa had done that on purpose – either to continue to make him feel uncomfortable, or maybe possibly to let him know that she accepted their relationship.

Either way, it had been a terrifying moment. How could he be there like that, standing there with Jennifer Horton of all people, trying to link his deformed and tainted life to her sweet and pure one? He had half expected in that moment to be pelted with rotten fruit – to be pushed out the door by an angry mobbed and left alone in the cold. But there was no angry crowd, no jeering voices, and no summary rejection. Jack had been warmly welcomed, his acceptance into the Horton family sealed with a symbolic gesture of a little ornamental ball with his name engraved upon it. Simple, yet unendingly touching. And that moment would have been all that he had ever wanted in this life if it hadn't been for the fact that Jennifer herself was sending off signals left and right that indicated that she really didn't want him the way she once had.

But now, things were different. Jennifer was once again gravitating towards him, but what about the family? He knew the family wouldn't blame him for what happened to Jennifer. But would fault even be the issue here, or would it boil down to Jennifer's well being? Wouldn't any rational person believe that a rape victim should not be dating a man who once committed rape? Would the Horton family condemn him for continuing to stay a part of Jennifer's life, or would they condemn him if he tried to leave her alone?

"Jack, is everything Okay?" He heard a voice call his name and he started violently – jolted out of his deep reverie.

The voice was horribly familiar, but not wholly unexpected, as he knew that Jennifer had arranged to speak with her after talking with her grandmother. Jack had avoided Jennifer and Kayla while they made the arrangements.

He turned around awkwardly to face her, wishing more than ever to simply vanish into thin air.

"Kayla. Ah. How are you?" His voice was nervous and he found himself unable to meet her questioning eyes. It was clear from her body language that Kayla no longer considered him to be an antagonist in her life. Although the rape would always be there between them – and it would prevent them from ever really being friends, it was obvious that being around Jack no longer hurt Kayla the way it once had.

"You seem upset. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. I'm fine. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," she said, still eyeing him with suspicious curiosity. "You're sure you're okay?"

"Yeah."

"Did you see Lawrence? "

"What? You mean here?"

"He was here, not too long ago – and – you seemed kind of uneasy, so I thought maybe you had run into him."

"I didn't know he was here," he suppressed a shudder. "I'm glad to have missed him."

"I am really looking forward to moving ahead with finding a way to bring him to justice," she said in a low voice, so as not to be heard. "Every time I see him, I feel so angry."

He felt a wave of anguish sweep over him. Kayla had once felt this way about _him _and he was sure she had had similar conversations with Steve about having run into Jack.

He felt grateful to be on her in-list of trusted people, but it hurt him to realize that very soon he would once again be off that list. There was no way she could find about the rape and not be affected by it. Hearing about Jennifer's experience would bring back her own, and no matter how much he had changed, it would hurt her to be around him all over again. As much as he welcomed working with her to bring down their common enemy in an above-the-board fashion, he knew that it was a pipe dream.

"Are you going to that meeting?"

"Yes. I assume you'll be there too?"

He hesitated, and then looked down.

"Jack?"

"I was thinking maybe I could… just act as an agent. You know? You all could tell me what it is I need to do or investigate, and I could do it and relay the answers via Jennifer."

"Jack. Steve was your brother. And Lawrence almost killed you – deliberately – more than once. Believe me when I say, you have every right to be there. You have every right to be angry about what he did," she added, recognizing that Jack might be afraid of letting that side of him out again – the side that wanted revenge.

"I know." He still couldn't meet her gaze.

"So you'll be there?"

He smiled and shook his head, looking up at her finally to make eye contact. "Kayla – I – "

"Jack. Promise me," she said, invoking a privilege which she knew she had.

He dropped his eyes. "I can't. I can't promise."

"Why? Is it because of Jennifer?"

"Yes."

"I thought you two seemed to be getting along – when I saw you come in together."

"We are getting along better now – "

"So why are you avoiding her?"

"I'm not," he said, still dropping his gaze.

"Is it me?"

He flushed.

"Not like you think."

"What do I think?"

"That I don't want to see you."

"And do you? Have you changed your mind about us trying to be friends?"

"No. Kayla – but I've realized that after someone acts the way I did – that's pretty much impossible."

"I thought we were doing better," she said.

"We are. But – "

"Then what is it? Jack, Steve would have wanted you to be close with Stephanie, at the very least. And I – " she trailed off, not really sure of what she was going to say. Exactly what did she want from Jack in the future?

"And you feel obligated to me on his behalf to somehow stay a part of my life. Kayla – that's what makes you such an extraordinary person, and I appreciate it, but I have to say – why would you do that to yourself?'

"Because – it isn't difficult – not as you might think. Jack, what's really going on?"

"Jack?"

Jack heard Jennifer's voice, and tried to hide his relief. _Oh. Thank. God._


	11. Chapter 11

"Hi Kayla," said Jennifer, trying to hide the surprise and concern from her voice. Had Jack beat her to the punch and told Kayla about Lawrence? As soon as the idea came to her, she dismissed it. She knew that Jack wouldn't do that – not when he knew that Jennifer had intended on telling Kayla herself.

Jack was relieved beyond measure that Jennifer had come out of Alice's office. He looked at her questioningly.

_Are you all right?_

Her quick and brief smile gave him his answer.

_So far._

Jack tried to give her a returning smile, but wondered how it ended up looking on his face. He was anything _but_ all right. The conversation with her grandmother had worried him, but the one she was going to have with Kayla terrified him beyond measure. _Oh god – please don't let it end up being about me._

"Jennifer, is now a good time to talk?" Kayla interrupted the silent exchange nervously. Jack's mood was catching, and Kayla wanted to know what was going on.

"Yes. Yes – I want to thank you for setting aside the time for me. I really appreciate it."

"Any time," she said with a genuine smile.

Jack watched the interchange and realized that he rarely saw the two of them socializing. He knew that they were friends, but he had to wonder if maybe his presence in Jennifer's life hadn't caused a rift between the two women. He was starting to fret about that possibility when he felt a hand squeeze his.

"Will you wait for me, or should I ask my grandmother to give me a ride back to your place," she asked, in a voice low enough for only him to hear.

"Would you rather I wait for you?"

"I don't know," she said with a smile. "Is that okay with you?"

"Jennifer. I'll wait. No problem."

She nodded and then squeezed his hand again She knew this was difficult for him, and his willingness to tough it out reaffirmed his love for her.

"Jack, I'll guess I'll be seeing you on Wednesday," said Kayla firmly looking him directly in the eyes, challenging him to disagree with her.

He gave her a cordial and awkward nod. Satisfied, she turned away and ushered Jennifer towards her office.

The two women disappeared into Kayla's office and Jack stood helplessly watching – knowing soon that the carefully reconstructed life that he had managed to luck into was about to come crashing down in spectacular disarray. Finding out about Lawrence would drive Kayla away from him again, and his last link to Steve, baby Stephanie, would be severed from his own life – perhaps forever.

Evading Kayla's solicitous questioning had been unbelievably painful. His inability to look her in the eye had roused her suspicions, but rather than assuming he had done something wrong, Kayla had actually tried to help him.

He had been drowning, unable to take a-hold of the lifeline she was trying to throw him because he didn't feel that he deserved for her to help him. Refusing to be deterred, she kept trying to dig for the truth – a truth that he knew would hurt her. He would rather die than hurt her ever again, but it was inevitable. Another man's violent actions would make it all real for everyone again, and this time, Jennifer wouldn't be able to avoid getting further caught in the mess of his life.

He didn't know what to do. He was terrified, and he felt alone and ashamed. Would Jennifer and Kayla talk about that terrible day – the details, the horror that he had given Kayla, or would Jennifer try to sidestep it even then. Would Kayla even want to talk about it with her?

He knew that Kayla was trained in counseling rape victims – a skill she had picked up as the result of his actions, a skill he had cruelly mocked her about once on the docks. He had been horrible that day – his behavior menacing and intimidating – he had tried to stop her from her crusade, terrified that her actions would further lead his political career to ruin.

Kayla had not backed down, she had lashed back at him with fierce righteous anger, and Jack had felt the pain of her words sink deep into his soul. Angrily he had grabbed her arm, restraining her when she had practically dismissed him - trying to end the encounter on her terms, and she hadn't even shown an ounce of fear. Looking back, he couldn't believe he had been capable of ever doing that. To touch her now in anger seemed a blasphemy.

He sighed. It was hard to wait while one's life slowly fell apart, but what else could he do? He had no choice. Supporting Jennifer was his duty at this point -a duty of love and also of repentance. He was hurting because of his own ugly behavior. He couldn't let that stop him from giving her the love she needed – not when she had literally saved him from himself.

He thought back to the day when Jennifer had screamed at him – furious that he was giving up on them after all she had endured to try to bring them together. He had responded with anger – forcing her to accept the fact that he had raped Kayla in that exact same room, and then challenging her to slap him again if she wanted his attention, brutally reminding her why they were apart – he had refused to listen to what she was really telling him.

_Just listen to me alright. I need you. I need your **love** and I need your **patience** and I need your help. Alright. Just help me out with this! We can do this together! Please._

She had been begging him for help and he had resolutely stood his ground and rebuffed her. Some lover he turned out to be. He was there for the good times, but when she needed him – he turned tail and he ran, hiding inside his own wounded heart... he refused to see what was obvious to someone like Isabella. Jennifer had practically told him what had happened the day at the cabin. _I wasn't talking about you._ How could he have been so oblivious? He had failed her in the past. He would not fail her now.

"Jack, dear. You look lost."

Once again, startled out of his reverie, Jack startled slightly before turning to face the speaker.

"Mrs Horton," he said uneasily. "I'm just waiting for Jennifer."

"I know. I know, dear. But you still look lost," she said, her very shrewd eyes boring into him like a drill.

"Well..." Jack trailed off, uneasy and unwilling to say anything that might make things worse.

"Jennifer will be a while, I imagine. I would be pleased if you would join me in my office for some tea? I have all the makings in there. Sometimes I like to enjoy a cup with Tom in private. Besides, I told Jennifer you'd be there when she got out."

He felt a surge of gratitude to this amazing woman. Despite all the terrible things he had done to friends she loved and to her own family - she was here, trying to make him feel better.

"Are you sure," he croaked out, needing her to know that he recognized that she might not want his company any more.

"Young man. Are you doubting my sincerity," she asked challengingly, fixing him once more with that steely gaze that always cowed him.

"No. No – I would never do that," he said, giving her a grin of relief. "I'd be pleased to join you for tea," he said gallantly.

"Well then. Let's go," she said, linking his arm into his as she drew him away from the curious eyes around them. Jack was always an interesting object for people-watchers. His behavior over the last years had been so widely published that everyone knew who he was and what he had done. To see one of the most upstanding members of Salem society treat him this way was a curious thing when it was widely known that her grand-daughter had broken off her engagement to him.

Once inside Alice's office, Jack looked around awkwardly feeling again many times too large for the space. It was well decorated in an understated and gentle way that bespoke of a haven. He understood that hospital life was a brutal thing, and that Alice would require such a sanctuary to try to recollect her peace during the times when things around her were painful.

"Now dear – what kind of tea do you like? I have a wide variety -"

"Whatever you're having is fine with me," he said uncomfortably, not wanting to be any imposition whatsoever. It was a stark deviation from the spoiled and arrogant man he had once been.

"Well, then, I suppose it will have to be Darjeeling," she said as she fussed around the preparations.

"Mrs. Horton. Are you always right," he blurted out.

She turned to look at him as she was putting the water to boil.

"Not always," she said with a gentle chuckle in her voice, "although, I'd be pleased if you didn't tell Jennifer I just said that."

He smiled in return. "Your secret is safe," he assured her.

"Exactly what is on your mind, dear?"

"About Jennifer. About what ... she called me," he said, his voice raw with pain. Somehow with Alice the truth seemed to seep from him – like it did with Jennifer, only differently. "You told me to give her a chance, that she must have been going through something difficult. And I didn't listen. I pulled away from her when she needed me the most. I mean, now that I know, I see just how much Jennifer needs for people to support her and ... I feel really badly that I was so blinded by my own hurt feelings that I couldn't see that she obviously **was** going through something."

"Jack, your past actions convinced you that she meant you. They got in the way of your being able to see the truth."

"I should have seen it. The fact that my own horrible actions prevented me from seeing it makes me all the more convinced I should have stayed out of Jennifer's life – like you and Mike – and everyone else probably wanted."

"Jack. You asked me if I was ever wrong, and the answer is a resounding yes. I was very wrong about you, and so were Tom – Mike – Mickey – everyone who thought you were bad for Jennifer. We just didn't believe you were capable of that kind of change – but the more I got to know you, the more I realized how wrong I was. You were capable, and once you let yourself become who you really wanted to be – it was clear to me that you and Jennifer really did belong together. Jennifer trusted her heart, and in the end, her heart did not lead her astray."

"I just became who _Jennifer_ wanted me to be. Just like I tried to be who Harper wanted me to be."

"That isn't true. The man you are today is who _you_ wanted you to be."

"You've admitted to being wrong on occasion. What's to say you aren't wrong now?"

"Oh, my dear- it isn't fair to bring up what I just said against me."

"Mrs. Horton. Please. I don't want to hurt her – but I don't think I – I'm not sure I can do this. She needs someone else – someone who really is a decent person – without any ambiguity. Like... like Frankie."

"Jack Deveraux. If there's one thing you should have learned from that whole mess with Steve and Kayla is that you can't orchestrate who belongs with whom. You have no right at all to make that kind of choice for Jennifer. If you choose to end your relationship – do it because you can't handle it – not because you think she can't. Jennifer loves you. She wants you in her life."

"Jennifer could very well change her mind."

"She could. Your past might prove too much for her in the end – although I honestly doubt it. I believe you have a strong love – one that can endure this – but it won't be easy. Your past was never a big deal to Jennifer once she started having feelings for you, but that's changed. You have to honestly ask yourself if you can deal with the fact that her innocent perspective is gone. It could get uncomfortable- you might have to share things with her you never dreamed you would have to – but I believe in the end that the payoff will be glorious."

Jack listened to her carefully and then nodded.

"I can deal with whatever she needs me to deal with. I won't let her down again."


	12. Chapter 12

Once safely ensconced within the confines of Kayla's office, Jennifer felt suddenly ill at ease.

Kayla and Jennifer rarely talked about Jack, and when they did, the conversation had nothing to do with what had happened between Kayla and Jack. That subject was, by mutual unspoken consent, verboten. Up until her experience with Lawrence, Jennifer had been very content to let that status quo remain. She felt certain Kayla felt the same way.

Jennifer and Kayla, by virtue of being several years apart, had not grown up together as peers. Kayla had dated Mike Horton for a time, but Jennifer hadn't been in Salem during those years, and although she had occasionally interacted with her brother and Kayla, she had been, in Kayla's mind, Mike's baby sister. Jennifer had idolized Kayla during that time, imagining what it might be like to have an older sister, but she never shared those thoughts with Kayla and in the end, Mike and Kayla had gone their separate ways.

And now, Jennifer found herself in a situation where Kayla might have become her sister through a different path, and despite that connection, Kayla's past with Jack would naturally always be a barrier to any future bonding between Jennifer and Kayla. In fact, Jennifer had often felt guilty about possibly betraying Kayla by getting close to Jack. She didn't want her acceptance of Jack to indicate to Kayla that she was trivializing what had happened, or that she took Jack's side in the matter.

Jennifer had always been relieved that Kayla and Steve hadn't intervened in her relationship with Jack. Conversely, now that she knew what it was like to be a victim of rape, she felt a little hurt that Kayla hadn't bothered to at least try to stop her from putting herself in a potentially dangerous situation. She forced that hurt away. Everything had worked out in the end and at that time, Jennifer wouldn't have welcomed interference.

In fact, at one time she thought Kayla's lack of interference meant that Kayla must have seen the latent good in Jack. Jennifer now knew that to be impossible. It was more likely that Kayla had feared Jack's reprisal if she tried to interfere in their friendship, and she most likely decided to trust in Jennifer's family to keep her safe. Regardless of all that, Jennifer had been gratified when Kayla had approved of Jack and Jennifer's engagement. It meant a lot because she knew that Kayla's forgiveness was something Jack deeply coveted, and Jennifer wanted that for that man he had become – she felt he deserved it.

The fledgling Jack/Kayla relationship, Kayla's acceptance of Jack and Jennifer as a couple, Kayla's recovery from her own rape – and the mutually agreed upon silence on the subject between Jennifer and Kayla – all of that would be damaged, if not completely destroyed when Jennifer told Kayla what had happened to her. It was that realization that held Jennifer's tongue. She did not want to upset the apple-cart, but she felt at this point that she had no choice. Unless she intended to keep this a secret forever, she owed it to Kayla to tell her like this – privately and before everyone else knew about it.

Kayla felt guilty as she watched the younger woman struggling with some kind of emotional burden. So caught up in her own loss of Steve, she had hardly noticed the suffering of anyone else around her. It was clear now that Jennifer and Jack were both going through something difficult and Kayla had a deep sense of foreboding about the whole thing.

Often times in the last months she had seen Jennifer react to various stimuli in a way that made her wonder if something horrible hadn't happened between Jennifer and Lawrence, but Kayla had been afraid of digging deeper, so she worked hard at convincing herself that everything was alright.

After all, Kayla had been unable to hide her own rape for more than a day... could Jennifer have hidden hers for much longer if it had happened? Jennifer was not known for her successful dissimulation skills and surely Jack would have noticed something strange about her behavior . Jack would have noticed Jennifer's reticence to get close - and after his experiences with Kayla, surely he wouldn't have gotten engaged to a woman who shied away from his touch. So obviously Jennifer wasn't having intimacy issues, and obviously she hadn't been raped.

And this is what Kayla had been able to convince herself of - until now. Now - it seemed very likely - Jack's inability to look her in the eye when they were talking, and Jennifer's need to have this private conversation – both these things were tipping the scales towards Kayla's reluctant suspicions. Kayla braced herself and prompted the younger woman to unburden herself.

"Jennifer, what's going on? Although it's nice to see you, this clearly isn't a social call. Is it?"

Jennifer sighed deeply and looked at the other woman helplessly.

"I have something to tell you – but I'm afraid it might upset you."

"Okay. But you still need to tell me, right?"

"Right."

"So tell me. You might feel better once you get it out there. Sometimes things seem a lot worse than they are when we try to hold them in."

"This … this is really bad."

"Okay. "

"It has to do with Lawrence. And… Lawrence and me."

Kayla's heart sank. _Please don't let her say what I think she's going to say. Please let it not be that. _

Jennifer squeezed her eyes shut so she wouldn't have to see Kayla's expression when she told her.

"Lawrence Alamain raped me," she blurted out.

Kayla let out the breath she had been holding, and her eyes immediately filled with tears. Nausea overwhelmed her for a moment as she remembered her own awful experience – the fear, the pain – the shame and anger… it all flooded back and for a moment, she wasn't sure that she could shake free of it.

_No wonder Jack couldn't look at me._

"Oh. God. Jennifer," she breathed tearfully. "I'm so sorry – I'm so sorry – " she reached over suddenly and enveloped the other woman in a tight hug. She remembered being uncomfortable with physical contact after her own rape, but she couldn't stop herself from reaching out. Kayla needed the comfort as much as she needed to offer it.

Jennifer clung back, and the two of them stayed like that a long moment as they shared in the pain. And then, as if on cue, they both retreated from the hug, the urgency of the emotion now past.

Kayla wiped her eyes, and strove to find words that might help at a time like this. Most of what she could say was so completely inappropriate given Jennifer's relationship with Jack. But looking into the tear filled green eyes in front of her, she knew that she had to say something.

"Jennifer. Are you all right," she asked.

"I'm getting better," Jennifer said after a moment's hesitation. "It happened a while ago – at his villa…actually – the night I married him –" her breathing was becoming more labored as she recounted the information.

"Oh, Jennifer-"

"I was supposed to tell him about my ruse," she said, her eyes now far-away as she ran through it in her mind. She flinched as the memories came flooding in. "I … we had a - a – plan – and… it went horribly wrong… I was supposed to tell Lawrence the truth and then we were supposed to meet in his room – because that's where the elevator was – we were supposed to meet there and escape… and – and he wanted to go with me – he was afraid it … things would go wrong – that Lawrence would be angry – and – I… I totally discounted how dangerous Lawrence was. He knew, and I … I didn't believe him."

"Jennifer – that isn't your fault. He… Jack –" Kayla decided to use his name – to make it all right for Jennifer to do so as well, "- he doesn't blame you for that, does he?"

_Please let the answer be no. I know he's grown past blaming me- but would he blame her because she ignored his warnings?_

"No," she said, wiping at her tears. "Oh, god- I was so afraid he would. I was so afraid… I was so scared I would lose him and that he would blame me for all of it."

"Because… he blamed – he blamed me?"

"I guess – maybe on some tiny level, I thought maybe he would have thought that … I had pushed Lawrence into it, or something – but the man I fell in love with isn't the kind of person who believes that –not anymore… and I guess –I just worried, because I knew he once did."

"He never really did, Jennifer – not deep down. He was just angry, frightened and hurt – and he lashed out. He couldn't accept the blame, so he convinced himself that it wasn't his fault… once he stopped being so angry and scared, he was able to see that."

"I just – I mean – you just can't know," she said tearfully. "I kept playing out different scenarios in my head, and sometimes they were so awful – sometimes he said terrible things. I'm sorry – I shouldn't be telling you all this."

"It's okay, Jennifer, I think I need this as much as you do."

"I guess you do. Oh, Kayla – I'm sorry … I know you and Jack were really trying to move ahead and away from what he did – and now- "

"Jack is Steve's brother, and I really believe he's changed. I care about the person he's become... but what you told me did bring it all back. I'm sure it did for him too -and I need some time to try to sort through some of these feelings."

"I knew," Jennifer whispered contritely. "I knew this would hurt you."

"Jennifer. This isn't your fault. None of this – not now. Not then. You have to believe that."

"I was stupid – I was so stupid. I ignored all sense and threw myself in danger without even thinking twice. Jack came to the embassy in NY when I first started my little scheme, and he was absolutely terrified of the danger I was in – he kept begging me to leave. He told me Lawrence was dangerous. I thought he was over-reacting, and I enjoyed having him off balance for once. After Harper died, Jack started pulling away from our relationship, and he even... he basically dumped me – via a note... and I was furious. It felt good to have him begging for a second chance... I wanted him to know how badly he had made me feel, but now that I say it, it sounds childish and cruel. Jack was honestly traumatized by what had happened with Harper and I refused to even try to understand that he might need a little time to get past it."

"Jennifer – you were angry – and whether or not you should have been understanding – your feelings were valid to you at the time. But I don't think you ignored his warnings out of spite."

"Just stupidity. Jack was terrified. And I treated him like he was an idiot. Jack was a politician once… he's had a lot of experience being around men like Lawrence – he isn't some backwater rube – he knew… and I ignored that –"

"It still isn't your fault. You are young –and maybe you were idealistic. If you hadn't been – you would never given Jack a chance. And because you did, you ended up in a pretty terrific relationship – despite the harsh troubles that Jack's own behavior and other problems have brought to your life, you've been happier with Jack than with any other man, and that's the kind of love that's worth the struggle… believe me when I tell you that I understand that. It wasn't your fault that you went ahead with this plan. You made mistakes. People do that."

"Except... I didn't just mess up my life. My grandma almost died… I hurt you – I hurt Jack – he had no idea what was wrong with me, and my behavior triggered all those defenses I'd finally broken through. Jack ended our engagement because... I said something really horrible to him... something I really meant for Lawrence.

Kayla flinched. She could well imagine what Jennifer had said and how awful the fallout of that must have been.

"He knows now, Jennifer. You can't undo the past. Jack knows you never deliberately set out to hurt him."

"But now –he's all guarded again. He's afraid again. He'd finally begun to trust in our love... and I hurt him."

"Getting hurt is a part of being alive. Jennifer, Jack is standing by you now. You might want to look at that and realize exactly what it means. You may well have lost some of the ground you had gained, but he's here... enduring _this_ awful day – and he's doing that because his love for you is overriding any of his personal fears."

"Yeah," she said, nodding in agreement.

"So you must feel pretty good about that?"

"I do...but we're just starting to go through this. Jack is still afraid I think of him like Lawrence, and I'm not sure if I can ever convince him otherwise."

"Do you have any problems dealing with his past now?"

Jennifer looked down.

"I can't... lie. I – I think about it ... about him... differently now. But I still love him- I still want to be with him... but now I have all these feelings- and question." Jennifer saw Kayla shift uneasily on the couch. "No. No – not for you – I would never... I don't think that would ever be a smart idea."

"No," she said, relieved. "It wouldn't. You may end up having to talk to him about it... " she shuddered. "Jennifer, I can't even talk about talking about it. I'm sorry."

"No! No – you have nothing to be sorry for. Look. I should... let you work. I'm sorry I ruined your day."

Kayla hugged her. "You didn't. Listen. I don't want to see Jack right now, but I will – I'll see him before Wednesday so we can work out whether we both can be there. Just tell him that. Okay? That I'll be in touch with him?"

"I will," she said, nodding. "You take care of yourself."

"You too.


	13. Chapter 13

Jennifer gave Kayla a tight hug and then moved towards the door. As she was about to turn the knob, she hesitated and turned back around.

"Kayla, I'm sure you've already guessed this – but I'm only telling family and close friends. I'd hate for Lawrence to find out that I've told people. He could use it against me and I'm not really sure yet about pressing charges."

Grimly, Kayla nodded. "I understand." She remembered Jack threatening her with libel if she kept claiming that she had been raped after she had accepted his plea-bargain of assault. She wondered now if Jack had been the one to caution Jennifer about what Lawrence's next steps might be. Would Jack try to stop her from going public with all of this?

Jennifer hesitated a moment. It was important that Kayla not be left with the idea that Jack was standing in the way of her pressing charges, but she didn't quite know how to tell her without making Kayla feeling that she was overstepping her boundaries.

"Uh... I also want to make clear that my uncertainty about pressing charges is self-induced... I've been assured of full support should I choose to go ahead with it." She spoke hesitantly, hoping she had gotten the point across.

Kayla was startled to hear these words. It was almost as if Jennifer had read her mind.

"That's good to hear," she said softly. "I'm ... not really surprised," she said, not sure if she was or wasn't.

_Just where do I stand? Can Jack be a part of my life after all of this? I just don't know._

Jennifer nodded, giving Kayla a half-smile. She knew how much Jack had harassed Kayla during those early days, and it was something she'd been trying hard not to face. Sooner or later, she knew she would have to come face to face with the man he had once been.

"But I am planning on telling everyone who was at Lawrence's villa – which means I'll be telling Bo – and possibly Roman... but definitely Frankie. I want you to know that it's fine with me if you tell your parents. I know this is hard... and... any support you might need..." she trailed off, once again feeling like she was overstepping those long-ago placed boundaries firmly surrounding the acceptable topics of conversation between Jennifer and Kayla.

"Jennifer, I appreciate you telling me that. Is it all right if I talk to them about it today?"

"Yes," she said firmly. "Honestly, It's... it's hard to talk to people about – and if you told them, then I wouldn't have to," she said somewhat sheepishly. "But I don't want you to feel that I'm laying my burden on you - "

"No. You aren't. You're making it easier for me. They're bound to notice that I'm suddenly distracted anew," she said with a mirthless smile. "I mean – my being sad – that's nothing new... but... this... this is very different."

"Kayla. I'm sorry," she said. "I hate that I've hurt you." Jennifer decided to leap over the boundaries and just say what was on her mind.

"You haven't," she responded firmly. "Remember that none of what I'm feeling right now is your fault. Okay? Whenever you start feeling guilty, remember I told you that. Lawrence raped you. He's the one to blame. Okay?"

Jennifer nodded after a moment's hesitation. She heard the unspoken statement as well. Kayla's pain was_ Jack's _fault as well. She was grateful to Kayla for not pointing that out to her.

"Jennifer, I know this wasn't easy for you either. Telling me... of all people."

Jennifer nodded. "But... you were one of the first that I _had_ to tell," she said bluntly. "We both know that."

"And I want you to know that I appreciate that you overcame your fear of coming here and you did it. I'm really proud of you – it was a brave thing to do."

"I don't feel very brave," she admitted, her voice suddenly tight. "All this time I've been afraid of telling people -"

"That's very normal," Kayla countered. "You aren't alone in feeling the way that you do. I – I'm not trying to push you into anything - but therapy can help you sort out those feelings..." Kayla was cautious in her recommendation. She believed that if Jack would support Jennifer pressing charges – he would also support her getting therapy. But the ghosts of bad encounters-past with Jack were haunting her right now, and she couldn't be absolutely sure of her assessment.

She nodded. "I plan on starting counseling next week."

"Good. I hope it helps. I believe it will."

"I do too. I really do."

"We'll talk again," said Kayla, coming over to give her a quick heartfelt hug. "I know that... things are awkward between us... because ... well – because of Jack. I know you don't want to see him the way he once was – especially not now, and it's important to me that I not lose sight of who he is today. I just need a little time to process all of this."

"I know. And... I've taken up enough of your time -"

"I didn't mean for you to feel that you had to leave now -"

"No – but I should."

"Jack's probably waiting for you, isn't he?"

"Yes. And... I know that he's... afraid."

"I hope he knows I wouldn't vilify him at this point... in your eyes – especially."

"He knows. It's just - " Jennifer stopped short. One thing she would never do is defend Jack to Kayla or try to convince Kayla that Jack really had changed. Either Kayla believed it from her own perceptions, or she didn't – but it wasn't Jennifer's place to intervene. She knew if someone tried to convince her that Lawrence was a decent human being, she would balk at the notion.

"It's okay," said Kayla, feeling the other woman's distress. "I know you love him and you don't want to hurt him. And I know that this is hurting him. I hope that you both get through this okay. I believe you can – but... you do know that it won't always be easy. Just... try to be as understanding as you can. I mean – he has to be that way too – but in your case... you might find yourself having to deal with his own feelings about what he did – and I know that you've had problems with that in the past."

"I think Jack understands that this time he can't just withdraw."

"Good. Tell him that I'll be in touch, okay?"

Jennifer smiled. "I will. Thank you again."


	14. Chapter 14

Emotionally spent from her talk with Kayla, Jennifer just wanted to go home. So much had been said – and so much had _not _been saidthat Jennifer needed some time before sharing her thoughts and experiences with anyone else – especially Jack and her grandmother. It was with that thought in mind that she nervously entered her grandmother's office.

"Jack, are you ready to go?" She hoped these simple words would get the point across to both of them. She knew that they meant well, but right now, she felt like she was on her last legs.

Jack tried to quickly assess Jennifer's mental state. Although he had enjoyed spending time with Alice, he had been on tenterhooks the entire time worrying about what was going on behind closed doors. Foremost on his mind was the fear that Jennifer might now view him in a negative light. As such, he was immeasurably relieved when she asked him to take her home. If she had had a change of heart where he was concerned, she wouldn't have wanted to go home with him.

"Yes. Of course," he said carefully. "Mrs. Horton, it's been a pleasure," he said remembering to be cordial to the kind woman who had allayed some of his deepest fears about this situation. Knowing she still favored his connection with Jennifer gave him some much-needed strength.

Alice smiled at Jack. "Likewise. I hope you come back and join me for tea again soon. Jennifer, dear. I'll see you soon!"

After a few more pleasantries were exchanged, and after Jennifer and her grandmother had shared heartfelt hugs and promises to see each other soon, Jennifer and Jack headed down the hospital corridor to the elevators.

Jennifer could feel Jack's tension. His gaze seemed to be flickering around nervously as if expecting Kayla to pop out at any minute. She gently placed her hand in his, seeking to give as well as receive comfort.

"Jack, it's okay. Kayla isn't really ready to talk to you either," she said softly. "She did say she'd be in touch before Wednesday."

"Okay. Thanks," he said awkwardly, not knowing what else to say. His mind was racing with dread. What had gone on between the two women behind those closed doors? Just how prominently had he figured in their conversation? He cringed at the idea of Kayla sharing with Jennifer any of her own horribly congruent experiences.

What's more, he was very curious and fearful of finding out how Kayla felt about Jennifer's revelation. Did Jennifer tell Kayla why their engagement had ended? He was hoping beyond hope that they hadn't discussed the events at the cabin. But if Kayla didn't know – did she believe that Jack had ended things with Jennifer for other reasons - like her refusal to make love – or even her revelation of the rape? What would Kayla think of him if she believed that or something like that?

He hated the thought of Kayla continuing to think him capable of boorish behavior. Although he knew he and Kayla never really could be friends – that all he could ever hope from her was an absence of distrust and fear, her opinion meant everything to him. If Kayla accepted him, he believed himself to be acceptable. When Kayla had given her blessing upon hearing of his engagement to Jennifer, Jack had felt so liberated.

But now, he felt as if his past had returned. It was an anchor around his neck which he would never be able to rid himself of. Where would Kayla stand on the issue of Jack and Jennifer? Would her much-coveted approval of their plans to be married now be revoked? Jack wouldn't let Kayla's disapproval stand in his way of giving Jennifer what she needed, but how could he ever face Kayla if she disapproved?

How could he face Kayla again, regardless? It had always amazed him that she could have forgiven him. His behavior had been so terrible, and once she had finally forgiven him, he always had felt grateful and humbled that she had. But now, that might all be in the past – how could Kayla help but to feel all the old pain and anger again. Even if she knew that Jack wasn't to blame in any of this – wouldn't she be unable to deal with having him in her life? The idea that he had lost his connection to her hurt him deeply. As deserved as her renewal of negative feelings would be, Jack mourned his budding neutrality with Kayla.

The ride home was mostly silent as both passengers tried to get their wayward feelings under control. They both seemed to realize that a deeper conversation had to wait until they were back at home.

Finally, back at Jack's house, Jennifer collapsed on the living couch with a weary sigh.

"Wow," she said with a yawn. "This has been some day."

Jack sat in a chair facing her.

"Are you all right? What can I do for you?"

"Just talk to me, okay?"

"I think I can manage that."

"I know today was hard for you, Jack. Thank you for supporting me."

"You never have to thank me for that."

"You were there when I needed you most."

"Well... better late than never," he said, not wanting to burden her again with his deep-seated guilt over the times that he hadn't been there for her.

"And thanks for letting me stay here," she said gently, trying to ease his obvious fears. "I feel so completely safe."

"I'm glad to hear that," he said, trying not to let his emotional turmoil show.

"I'm sorry I ever made you doubt that I feel safe with you," she said softly.

"It wasn't your fault. You had adequate provocation."

"Kayla said it was Lawrence's fault."

He was shocked into silence, surprised to hear her mention Kayla. He hesitated a moment, waiting to see if she would reveal more of what had been said during her meeting.

"Jack. I... I know you want to know what we talked about. I'm not trying to be mysterious, but I just need a little time to process it," she said, echoing Kayla's words to her. "It was all so intense, and... I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally spent."

"I understand that," he said, with real feeling. "It's okay, Jennifer – talk about it if and when you're ready to."

"It's just that I know you want to know. I feel bad about not being able to talk about it."

"I guess I mostly worried that you'd hate me at the end of it."

"Jack. I could never hate you."

"You could, if you had interacted with me in those days."

"I could never hate you now."

"That's reassuring to hear."

"But do you believe it?"

He hesitated. "I believe that you believe it."

"Not that again."

"Jennifer -my past is ugly. You don't know the details -"

"Which is how it needs to be right now, Jack," she said warningly.

"Now? Does that mean that -"

"I don't know."

He sighed. The idea of her one day wanting or needing to know more terrified him, but he knew that it was something he someday would have to dredge up the courage to face.

"Well. Speaking of now... what do you want right now? I imagine you're pretty tired. So- maybe dinner, and then an early night?"

She smiled gratefully at him. It was that smile that always made him feel on top of the world.

"Yes to both."


	15. Chapter 15

"Why don't you go settle in and I'll take care of dinner. Does that sound good to you?"

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Okay. Thanks."

"No problem. Take all the time you need."

She nodded. "I won't be long."

As soon as Jack had made his suggestion, she felt as if she couldn't get upstairs fast enough. She was glad to be with him, but she needed a little time alone to get her thoughts together.

As soon as she went up to the guest room, she went into the bathroom and turned on the shower so that the water could get warm while she undressed. A hot shower usually had the power to relax her and she looked forward to feeling the stinging hot needles of water drum against her skin and wash her stress away. But before she could even step in, she flashed back to the time she had frantically showered after her experience with Lawrence and suddenly the shower didn't look so inviting any more. She turned off the water and stepped away from it in sudden revulsion.

_Did Kayla do that too?_

The thought trickled unbidden to her consciousness. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to block out the thoughts. Lawrence had practically passed out after the rape – and she had been frozen in that bed with him for very long moments afraid to move – afraid to wake him – afraid to even contemplate her next steps. She had been in shock. But how did things happen with Jack and Kayla? It had happened in the living room – so it must have been a sudden and unexpected thing -an angry violent response. She shuddered again. She had seen Jack very angry, but the idea of him taking it to that step was so unlike him.

_How could he have been that way? I guess he would have been very angry..._

She remembered the recent angry encounter she had had with Jack and wondered if had started out that way. That reporter had given Jack pictures of Steve and Kayla together, and she knew he was very hurt and angry. Anyone would have been. Had he confronted her about it? Had he grabbed her, shaken her – how had he gone from that – from a simple angry response to something so much more serious – so much more violent? Jack had quickly backed away from her when he had realized that his actions had scared her. But then, he probably had done that because they had scared him too - because of his past. With Kayla - he didn't have the past haunting him - pulling him back from possibly hurting anyone. It's possible that he hadn't really known that he was capable of taking that far - that he had reacted without giving any conscious thought at all to his reaction. It just seemed so non-Jack like - but the Jack she knew had been transformed by that night... she could never know the person he was before everything had crashed down around him.

She shook her head. She didn't want these thoughts. She knew Jack couldn't do it again, and wasn't that all that really mattered?

_I don't know. I don't know if I can forget his past. How could he have been the kind of man who could do that, and then be the man he is today?_

Solitude had not brought her any amount of peace, and she decided it was time to go downstairs. She stood for a long moment at the door, wondering what was stopping her from going through it. She hated this restlessness – this complete lack of ease. She wanted to have a good time tonight – to spend pleasant times with a man she knew she loved – but her past, and _his_ past kept haunting her.

_What am I afraid of?_

And then she knew. She was afraid of hurting him. She was afraid of seeing that bewildered look on his face after she had slapped him and called him a rapist. She would rather die than ever see that look in his eyes again. And that's when it became clear - trusting Jack was never the issue... it had always been about trusting herself. And she wasn't sure she did anymore.

She expelled a frustrated breath and opened the door. She came down the stairs rapidly, only to freeze at the sight of him putting the final touches on the table. Everything was so beautiful – and it brought to mind the many other times he had done this for her. It was one of the things she associated with _her_ Jack. She felt grateful to be able to anchor onto a positive mental image, and she smiled. But shyness overtook her and she found herself rooted to the spot. She simply didn't know how to start their next conversation. Plucking up her courage, she forced herself to walk towards the table.

He looked up at her as she approached.

"This looks lovely," she said softly, giving him a sweet smile.

"Well – lovely merits lovely," he said carefully handing out the implied compliment. He didn't want her to feel nervous. Seduction was the very last thing on his mind.

She smiled at him, and he felt his heart lighten a bit.

_I haven't blown it yet. Good._

"Did Sheldon set this up," she teased knowing it would spark an indignant response. She needed playful banter.

"Sheldon is not here, I'll have you know... he's gone for the weekend. I did this all by myself – it isn't like I'm helpless you know!" Jack was anything but offended. He loved seeing the challenging glint in her eyes as she had asked the question.

"No – no. I never meant to imply you were," she laughed, her eyes sparkling.

_Oh - **there** she is! A glimmer here and there... her smile lights up the world._

"Ah – is it okay that Sheldon isn't here? I didn't send him away on purpose or anything."

"Jack. Really. It's fine. And remember, you're the one who always tried to use Sheldon as a human shield."

"What? I – I – that's categorically untrue!"

"Oh – okay – I guess I just remember wrong."

"You most certainly do."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you in any way," she continued in a playful way. "So – what is under all that finery?" She leaned in to lift off one of the food covers, only to stop short at his sudden nervous reaction.

"Wait – wait. I... I do hope you weren't... expecting elegant fare tonight. My cooking skills are not that well refined. I decided to spare us both and order takeout."

"You ordered out?"

"Pizza, to be exact."

"Oh, Jack," she said, softly.

"Uh. Is that... Oh, Jack – what were you thinking, or - "

"You brought me comfort food. Just like when you were trying to tell me about Hannah going back to her grandparents. You were trying to comfort me then and you're trying to do it now."

"Jennifer – it's pizza."

"Deny it all you want. I know the truth."

"Maybe I just like pizza."

She laughed. It was the old game, and now that it really was just a silly game – intended to lighten the mood and make the evening go more smoothly, she could enjoy it.

"I love pizza, Jack," she said, her eyes looking lovingly at him. In this moment she had hope.

"Do you also happen to like Chianti? Because there's that as well. But if wine isn't what you want tonight – please don't worry about hurting the cook's feelings."

"The... ah – the cook, Jack?"

"Well. Perhaps that was an overstatement of my abilities. The... waiter, if you will."

She grinned at him again.

"I'd love some wine."

"Good. Good. Well. Here... here -you sit down," he said as he politely pulled back her chair for her.


	16. Chapter 16

Jennifer smiled at Jack across the table.

"That was really good."

"I'll make sure to let the chef know."

"Thank you for taking such good care of me, Jack," she said seriously. "I'm sorry I'm acting so weird."

"You have no reason to apologize. Really."

"I just feel so lost sometimes. Like I've forgotten how to be me. I guess on some level, I've forgotten how to be us. I mean – I just feel so on edge – we're ... we're on a date – and... I just feel so – unsettled."

"Maybe you shouldn't think of this as a date."

"What is it then? What are we – we aren't engaged anymore... are we seeing each other? What are we to each other?"

"Well. As I recall – we're two people who love each other."

Warmth flooded through her at his words.

"Oh, Jack."

"Maybe things aren't as simple as they might have seemed on the island, but honestly, given who the other half of us is, did you really think simple was in our future?"

She grinned at him.

"Who needs simple, Jack? Simple is boring."

"Well. Don't... don't get too used to ... this life of daring and intrigue. I imagine at some point, things will settle into a calmer sort of status quo."

"Jack. You could never be boring. Never. Ever."

"I'm relieved to hear you say that. Now, how about we move this to the living room – there's a nice fire in there, and it's far more comfortable."

Jennifer nodded.

"Do you want me to help clean up?"

"No, no, no. It's all part of the service. I'll meet you in about twenty minutes or so? Perhaps you could bring the rest of the wine out there?"

She smiled as she got up to do her half of the task.

A while later, Jack stood in the living room looking at Jennifer's sleeping form sprawled across the couch. He felt a surge of tenderness at the sight.

_How could Lawrence have hurt her? I don't understand._

As soon as he thought this, uncomfortable thoughts began to fill his mind.

_That's a lie. I do understand._

He shuddered. He couldn't understand. How could he understand how someone could hurt Jennifer of all people?

_How could anyone hurt Kayla?_

Jack realized now that the way he saw Kayla was very different from how he had viewed her during the time when he was wreaking such havoc on her life. When he saw those pictures, he was enraged. He was partly furious because his wife had been fooling around with someone else. But what hurt him more was that she had been making a fool of him all along. In those moments, Kayla's behavior had made no sense to him, he didn't know the bigger picture, and therefore, all he could conclude was that she and Steve had deliberately set out to do this to him. It hadn't occurred to him to wonder if Kayla had been a fortune hunter, or if she simply had been trying to destroy him politically for kicks – all he knew was that his wife had made a fool of him, and he had felt a blinding rage – born from confusion, betrayal and fear.

Later that night, back at the loft, he had known that she would reject his advances, but he still had to try – had to give her a chance to show him he'd been wrong – that she hadn't been playing some kind of horrible game with his emotions, and when she pushed him away again, he had snapped completely. Afterwards, he had hated himself. He had seen her there on that couch – clearly in shock at what he had done, and he had hated her, because he felt that if it weren't for her, he would never have turned into the monster he now was. A rapist. In those moments, he had lost everything, including his self-respect and he blamed Steve and Kayla for it. Because of those feelings, he had been tireless in his efforts at seeking revenge. Desperation could make people violent and dangerous. Jack understood that all too well now.

But then, he had found out the truth – that Steve had loved him all along, that Kayla initially had intended on making things work, but then, after Steve had saved her from being poisoned to death by Harper, she had learned the truth of Steve's behavior – and the truth of Jack's identity – and she had been pushed up against a wall. Jack realized now that the three of them had been trapped in this deception and nobody had really wanted to see him get hurt. He had been humbled by that and also angered – because this new reality forced him to see that his own behavior had been truly monstrous.

The revelation of his true origins had tormented him on so many levels. He knew the Johnsons were out of reach for him, and he at least tried to revel in the comfort of knowing that Harper was so desperate to make Jack realize how much he loved him. But then he had lost Harper, and with him, Angelica, and Jack watched his whole life fall apart around him.

He did the only thing he knew how to do at this point, he continued to behave in a boorish fashion, because at least, it kept everyone he had hurt firmly at arms length. As he had said to Kayla once, he had gotten caught up in all the angry – only now, the anger was meant for himself.

Lawrence had hated Jack, Jennifer and Bo with the same kind of hatred Jack had felt towards Steve and Kayla. Bo had stolen Lawrence's chance at happiness with Katarina a long time ago with his unwitting interference. To now see Bo and Katarina growing closer must have enraged Lawrence. And then, Jennifer's attempt at subterfuge had further fueled Lawrence's fire. Jennifer had implied that Lawrence was a fool – someone easily duped, and Jack knew that Lawrence would have hated her for that. Jennifer had tried to step in the way of his plans to get things back the way he desperately wanted to be, and she had done so without any regard to his feelings. Furthermore, she had added insult to injury by conducting a romantic tryst right under his nose. Yes. Lawrence had hated Jack and Jennifer and Jack understood that, much to his chagrin.

Jack felt enormously guilty for being able to understand Lawrence on any level. He reminded himself that Lawrence was somewhat unhinged, but then, he remembered a time when he himself had probably seemed unhinged as well. Was Lawrence simply caught up in the angry, and could Jack ever see a time where Lawrence would be bending over backwards trying to procure Jennifer's forgiveness? Jack doubted it. He remembered that he had hated himself for what he had done – from the moment he had done it and onward. But Jack couldn't see any evidence that Lawrence really regretted the rape. There was that one day when he had overheard their conversation – where Lawrence had mentioned "The other night" in a way that indicated that he understood that he may have done something wrong, but still... Lawrence had believed that Jennifer meant to try to work things out, and Jack had known, even at his most desperate of states, that Kayla would have never been able to get past what he had done.

Jack shook his head. He simply didn't know, but the fact that he could get so completely inside the other man's head meant he was valuable to the effort of bringing the man down. He didn't know how he would ever be able to share these thoughts with the others, however. How could he ever admit to understanding Lawrence Alamain? Such a thing seemed to be a betrayal of everyone Lawrence had hurt – including himself.

Forcing himself back to the present, he leaned over to shake Jennifer awake. He didn't feel right about leaving her downstairs alone for the night.

Jennifer sat up in shock as Jack gently shook her shoulder.

"What? What? Where am I?"

"You fell asleep on the couch. I hated waking you, but if you woke up with a stiff neck, you'd probably have been mad at me, so this seemed like the best thing to do."

She smiled up at him.

"You couldn't have just carried me upstairs?"

"Right. Who do you think you're talking to? This is me we're talking about. The guy with the bad back?"

She raised a hand to him.

"Do you think it'd be too much to ask for a hand?"

He smiled at her, and took her hand and gave her a little tug.

"I think I can spare a hand."

"Thanks for waking me up," she said. "I'm sorry I fell asleep."

"No problem – come on. Let's just call it a night. Okay?"

"Okay," she said, linking her arm with his as they walked towards the stairs.


	17. Jack talk to Kayla

The next morning, Jack awoke to an empty house. A note was on the table next to his bed, telling him that Jennifer had gone out to church. After church, she planned on going to see some more of her relatives to tell them about what Lawrence did.

After getting showered and dressed, Jack was mulling over whether Jennifer wanted him to be with her for her post-church activities, when the doorbell rang demanding his attention.

Jack jogged over to the front door and saw Kayla on the other side through the window. Fear gripped him hard. He hesitated a moment, composing himself, and then he opened the door.

Kayla gave him a nervous half-smile, taken-aback somewhat to see him dressed in jeans – it was an odd rarity for Jack – she hadn't even seen him dressed this way during their marriage.

"I'm sorry I didn't call first," she rattled off awkwardly. "You see – I wasn't sure I could do this, and ... I drove around a bit before convincing myself that now was as good as time as any for us to talk. I hope you weren't on your way out or anything."

"Ah. No. No – I wasn't." He stepped back a little. "Please come in," he said, feeling very strange about inviting her into a place where she had some rather unpleasant memories. This place must surely resonate nightmares for her – the man who tried to kill her twice had lived here, and Kayla had never been comfortable living here while married to Jack.

She entered somewhat gingerly, looking around reflexively.

"You've changed the place," she blurted out, and then she felt foolish. 

"Well – yeah. I mean – the other... way – it was Harper and Angelica's place."

"Right. I like it. It's... it's more inviting."

"Thanks. Listen – would you like some coffee, or anything -"

"Actually, I brought that," she said, hoisting a thermos. "You just provide the cups, cream and sugar, and we're good to go."

His lips quirked up into a small smile. "You brought coffee?"

"Well, I know it's Sheldon's day off," she said. "I mean – Jennifer told me. I called earlier – trying to figure out if today was a good day for me to come by."

"Oh. Okay. But what does Sheldon have to do ..."

"I wasn't sure if you knew how to make coffee," she said, suddenly feeling like an idiot. Jack had gone on an incredible journey of transformation since the time she had been his wife, and she realized now how little she knew about who he was and what he could do. "I guess that's silly. I over-thought the problem."

"The problem?"

"You, me, and a very difficult conversation. And I thought coffee would give us something to do to fill those awkward pauses," she said in a rush. "You know, when you can't think of what to say or do, so you just pour more coffee, or add more sugar – or you drink it?"

"Yes. Yes -I understand now. Coffee is definitely invaluable. And – thanks for being so prepared," he said, trying not to show either amusement or dismay at her assumption that he didn't know how to make coffee. "I managed to learn after working at the Spectator. Reporters need coffee like most people need air."

She surprised herself by laughing.

"Please make yourself comfortable," he said, needing a quick escape to regain his composure. "I'll get the things we need."

"Okay," she said as he disappeared. She was as relieved to see him go as he was to leave. Her heart had begun to beat in double-time the moment he had opened the door. Being so close to him like this was harder than she had hoped it would be. There had been so many times in the recent past when they had made small connections towards each other, but right now, she felt really distanced from him.

Sometimes when she looked at him she could see the echoes of the man he had been – it would be in an expression, or the stance of his body – and it would all come rushing back in horrible clarity – and then the moment would be broken, and she could see echoes of Steve.

After hearing about what Jennifer had been through, she had given her relationship with Jack some serious thought. She was forced to admit to herself that somewhere deep in her heart, she still was afraid of him – it was hard to completely wipe out that emotion when he had at one time deliberately caused her so much pain. He had been intentionally threatening and cruel to her on many occasions following his attack on her, and there had been so many times when she had been afraid to be alone with him. Even now, she still felt uneasy around him when they were all alone like this – almost as if she might unwittingly utter some magic word and invoke the Jack of old. _What did he do with that man? Where did he put him?_

"Okay," he said. "I've got what everything we need, I think."

He placed everything down on the coffee table and then he sat in a chair facing the sofa she was sitting on. He could see that she was supremely uncomfortable and he wished he could share with her that he felt pretty uncomfortable himself.

"Jack," she said, trying to forestall any awkward silences. "I guess you know why I'm here."

"Well, I can guess."

"You need to be at that meeting on Wednesday."

Jack was slightly taken aback at her opening salvo.

"You all can handle this just fine without me. I'm willing to do whatever you want – just let me know what it is, and I'll do it."

"I want you to be there."

"Anything but that."

"Jack. You have to be there. Jennifer needs that."

"I know she needs me. But she doesn't need me to be there. I can be just as supportive off-stage."

"If I weren't a part of this, would you go?"

He looked away from her uncomfortably. 

"Probably."

"Then I won't go."

"Kayla," he said, looking down at his hands holding his coffee cup. "You belong at that meeting more than I do."

"We both know that isn't true. You're an expert at this kind of thing... investigating people, getting out the story. You're far more valuable to the effort than I am."

"I'm only valuable because he and I are so much alike. I can probably predict his next moves with more accuracy than anyone else in the group."

"Well. Okay," she said defiantly. "Then that alone should make you realize that we need all the help we can get. None of us can stand up to him on our own. He could destroy us if he found out what we were doing. I think he came to town to get revenge against us for everything that happened out there. I think he blames us for Leopold's death. He's a dangerous enemy for any of us to have, Jack."

He paused a moment.

"I know that. I know he's ... formidable. I just - I don't want to deny you your chance to – look, Kayla – you took back your life once when I tried to destroy it – when you pressed charges. You told me once that you were doing it for you – because you weren't going to let me ruin your life. And it worked. You took your life back. And – now you're faced with having to do that again. I'm not saying what Lawrence did to you is worse than what I did – but I do think that fighting back will help you get your life back. How can I deny you that chance? I tried to stop you once before from doing what you needed to do and I never want to do that again."

Kayla was silent as she listened to his words. They brought back unpleasant memories of difficult encounters with an angry and vengeful Jack. He had all but vowed to destroy her and Steve after she had pressed charges and now, he was telling her in not so many words that he was glad she had done so. She stared at him for a long moment trying to see if she could find any trace of that man he had once been. _Where did you put him?_

"This has nothing to do with me," she said calmly, trying to hide her turmoil.

"Can you honestly say that _you_ want me there?"

"I can't... I don't know," she said in frustration. "I don't know."

"Then I think it's clear that I can't be there."

"Jack, this isn't even up for debate. Jennifer needs you. She needs you now more than she ever has. You know that I know what I'm talking about. Jennifer needs you and you have to be there for her."

"I'm the last thing she needs," he cried out in anguish as he suddenly stood up and took several steps away from where he had been sitting. Talking about this with her was worse than he had imagined. Yes. He knew that she knew what Jennifer was going through and what Jennifer needed. It killed him to think of how she knew that.

Facing away as he was, he was startled to feel her hand on his arm. Kayla had rarely come into physical contact with him since he had raped her, and he couldn't blame her. He turned slightly to face her - both of them uncomfortable at each other's nearness. Even though they had comforted each other while Steve was in the hospital– those had been extreme times. Now, in the cold light of today, all the old the barriers seemed back in place.

"No, Jack," she said softly but firmly. "You're the first thing she needs. You're the only thing she needs."

"I don't know how you can say that," he stuttered. "I didn't just... do the exact same thing to you - I terrorized you. I held you prisoner for crying out loud. How can you even stand to be alone with me? How can you be here trying to make things right between us?"

"I hated you! I hated you for a long time – but... then – then you changed ... and once I trusted in that change, I stopped hating you."

"Kayla -"

"Jack, when I met you, you weren't fully formed – you had no idea who you were. You had aspirations, but you were so conflicted. You had all these political dreams, but in the end, your biggest dream was to be like your father – to be liked by your father. I know Harper loved you, but I think you were always yearning for more from him – you wanted him to approve of you. And maybe that was hard-won. I know it is for most of us – our parents love us, but they don't always approve of our choices. I know that I always felt second-best in my father's eyes to Kimberly... and... I know I yearned for him to look at me and call _me_ his best and brightest. So I understand that!

"You tried so hard to be the perfect son – to be exactly what he wanted, and when it all fell apart, you had the chance to really re-evaluate where you were going, and who you wanted to become. You told me once you wanted to make things different, that you wanted to change. I didn't believe you could... I didn't believe you even really wanted it that much – but you did. You really did. I thought it was just words – that you were trying to get me to forgive you so you could feel better about yourself – but then you did it – and the change was genuine, Jack. I really believe it's genuine."

As she said these words, she realized the truth in them. Jack really had changed. The person he had been wasn't lurking somewhere beneath the man he was today, waiting for the right time to resurface. Jack had managed to transform himself because he had finally figured out who he really was. As much as he might always unsettle her – as much as the memories would always be there – she realized that her fear of him was simply an echo of what she had once felt. Jack was no longer a threat to her... he never would be a threat to anyone in the way he had once been.

"I became a very bad imitation of Steve. Face it, Kayla – I transferred my idolization of Harper onto Steve. He took Harper's place – and I tried to be what Steve wanted me to be."

"Do you really believe that? Would you have let yourself get involved with Jennifer if you really believed that?"

"I... I don't know."

"I don't think you would have. You tried so hard not to get involved with her. And yes – just like Steve. When Duke came to town, Steve tried really hard to push me away because he was afraid he would end up just like him."

"I know..."

"And I guess you're kind of afraid of the same thing too."

"I did end up like him."

"No. Duke never regretted his actions. Duke hurt his own _daughter_. You simply aren't capable of that kind of thing."

"The way I treated you was not unlike the way Duke treated Jo," he said, talking to the ground unable to meet her gaze. "I can't forget that. I appreciate what you're trying to do here – but -"

"Jack. You promised me that he wouldn't get away. You promised me. You swore to me. I believed you would work hard at seeing that Lawrence didn't get away. Were those just words?"

"Kayla -"

"Jack. You owe this to me. "

"I owe it to you to stay out of your way! Have you really considered how awful this is going to be for you?"

"Look, Jack, I didn't come here on a whim. I thought long and hard about this. I had to ask myself whether I could handle you being there at this meeting before I could try to persuade you to be there. Let me tell you, at times, it didn't look like I could."

He raised his gaze to meet hers. He owed it to her to give her his fullest attention.

"Jack, I talked to my mother and father about this. I talked to Frankie even."

"Frankie?"

"He's back. He was at my parent's place."

"Oh."

"He already knew, by the way. He said he had overheard her talking with someone on the phone. It sounded like she was talking to a rape-hot line or something. He said he had come home unexpectedly to pick up some gifts he had forgotten, and he thought he had started some kind of fight between you and Jennifer because you left soon after he arrived. He said after that, he over heard Jennifer on the phone."

He winced at that. "I thought Frankie was the problem," he mumbled, embarrassed.

"Yeah, Frankie told me," Kayla said awkwardly. "He said that you seemed to to think that he and Jennifer were rekindling their romance."

"Jack looked away again, unable to face her."

"I know this sounds hard to believe – but I promise you I'd never ... I just wanted to know. I just wanted to know if it was over."

"I know," she said. "I understand that. He moved in with her – that had to have been weird for you."

"Well -"

"Come on, Jack -I mean, I fell for all of Marina's antics. Don't feel bad for thinking that. I wondered it too when I heard about Frankie moving in."

He nodded tightly, unable to talk to her about this particular subject. It was too close to what had gone on between them.

"After I talked to people about it, I realized that the only right answer was that you had to be there. Lawrence killed Steve. Steve was your brother and you loved him, I know you did. And then Lawrence tried to kill you, and he hurt Jennifer... you have the right to want to work on seeing that he pays for what he did. Jack, you have the right to take your own life back. Don't let _me_ stop you from doing that. If I felt I was, I'd feel pretty badly about it. "

"All right. I'll go."

"Really? It's that easy? What made you change your mind?"

"Because you came here. It had to have been the hardest thing in the world for you to do, but you did it because it's important to you."

She paused a heart-beat.

"Thank you."

"Thank _you_."

She gave him a tight smile.

"I guess I should be going."

"Sure."

"I'll see you Wednesday, then?"

"Yes."

"Good. Please give Jennifer my love, okay?"

He smiled. "I can do that."

Jack walked her to the foyer, and she gave him a brief smile of farewell as she walked out the door.


	18. Jennifer returns

Jennifer opened the door somewhat trepidatiously. She saw Jack sitting on the couch, almost in a daze.

_Yep. Kayla was here._

She tentatively walked over to him, not really knowing what to expect. She felt guilty she hadn't warned him in advance that Kayla might show up, but she felt she owed it to Kayla to honor her request not to tell. She could see the wisdom in that. If Kayla had lost her nerve, wouldn't it just cause Jack more pain and guilt at her non-appearance?

"Jack?"

He didn't respond at all, and worry grew in her heart.

"Jack?"

His lack of response prompted her to place a hand on his shoulder, and he jumped, startled suddenly by her presence.

"Jack? Are you okay?"

"I – I was just thinking," he stammered, his eyes confused and somewhat bleak.

"Did it go well?"

"Did it – did it... huh?"

"Did it go well?"

"Go well," he repeated, thinking that concept over. _Did the conversation that had with the person I victimized horribly go well. Could such a conversation ever go well?_

"Jack," she pressed him.

"What?" He turned to look at her, his expression still vague.

"Jack. Please. Answer me, okay? You're scaring me."

The words lanced through his fog.

"Oh – Oh – no – no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I don't want to ever -"

"Not like that," she said impatiently. "I'm worried about you. Are you okay? Did things go all right?"

"Kayla was... incredible," he said, not worrying she might take that the wrong way. "As usual."

Jennifer smiled softly. "Kayla is an amazing person."

He shook his head.

"She is my polar opposite. When people hurt me, I hurt them back. I was just thinking about that, when you walked in. You know, when we first started working together, I had just tricked Diana into selling me a controlling share of the paper. I was threatening my former campaign worker Rusty with exposing his marital infidelity to his wife – with destroying his life – because he had stabbed me in the back. I was trying to dig up dirt on Cal winters to get revenge on Diana for daring to try to cross me– you were hanging out with a really corrupt and bitter person – and you did it without even thinking twice."

"Jack, if you're trying to remind me of how foolish I was - "

"What? Foolish for trusting me?"

"Like with not thinking anything could go really wrong with Lawrence?"

"Oh! Oh – no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No. I -"

"Because that's what I think of when you talk about us this way."

"Jennifer. I'm just... how did I do this? How did I turn into someone who cares about people's feelings? How did I ever stop being someone who cared – Jo said I was a sweet little kid."

"Harper, Angelica – the life of politics – these were not good influences, Jack."

"I just keep thinking about you. Every encounter with you, you were digging in your heels ... do you remember when we first met at the spectator – do you remember how I was rambling on and on about having a controlling share, and so who did you think made the decisions and you just shrugged me off. You simply didn't care – you reduced all my posturings to stupid childish concerns beneath your notice. Journalism was what you were there to discuss – not who owned the most toys."

"Jack -"

"You were the first person to treat me like a journalist. To expect me to be an editor. And I was playing my stupid games with you and you simply refused to play along. That joke I made about blondes – how creepy and disturbing was that? And then making fun of you because you wanted to do this story and obviously a man had to be behind it – and you just ignored it. You just brushed it away. You had no time for those kinds of games. You were and continue to be utterly artless -"

"You mean naive."

"No. You were never that. I once thought you were, but you had so much more wisdom than I did. I was the naïve one to think that the way I responded to stimulus was anywhere near correct. I learned so much from you, and that one-eyed river rat that I looked down upon. What the hell was I thinking? All that garbage about Deveraux blood. What difference does lineage make – even if I had been a Deveraux by blood?"

"Jack," she said, coming over to place her hand over his.

"Jennifer, I was barely human for so long. And now that I am, it hurts so much to watch you go through hell because of someone else lacking in human characteristics. "

"Well. Would you trade ? Would you take back your old... I guess – your old shell that must have protected you from all those painful experiences of your childhood – would go back to that shell?"

"I tried. It's impossible. After the cabin... I tried."

"Jack."

"Jennifer. I did. I tried – at the first sign of stress, I tried to become who I once was."

"You tried to hide. You didn't turn back to your old ways."

"It was probably just a matter of time."

"Lawrence was your enemy. You knew that and you didn't go after him in any way."

"He scares the hell out of me. That was cowardice."

"You were brasher than that in the old days. You wouldn't have admitted to being afraid."

"Brash. Makes it sound like a good thing. You mean cocky and arrogant."

"Maybe that. But you would have gone after him. You wouldn't now. You wouldn't do half the things you did back then now. You've grown."

"I was 2 going on 27, huh?"

"You were lost, confused and hiding. Jack, you desperately wanted something or someone to give you an identity. You were the politician's son, ready to follow in his career footsteps. Did you even want that career?"

"Kay... Kayla asked me that – before my election – before ... " he shook his head. "Oh, god. Before I turned into her worst nightmare. She knew... she knew I was playing a part."

"What did you say to her?" Jennifer felt tension at talking about this encounter that had happened so close to his worst behavior.

"I... told her I wanted to please Harper. It was all I wanted."

"Then you didn't regret the loss of your career? I... I've felt guilty ... I was so happy when Melissa didn't marry you, when she put you in your place, when she ruined your chances at that seat."

"Men like me shouldn't control the destiny of people. Don't feel guilty."

"I... I clapped."

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yes."

"Did you hate me for it?"

"No. You were a kid. I hated ... others for it. Or so I thought. I hated myself mostly. Hated being reminded over and over what a complete waste of space I was."

"Jack."

"No. It's true. I am so glad I didn't succeed. Everyone involved with derailing my political career did me a huge favor. If I didn't think Rusty would have a heart attack, I'd thank him sincerely for his part in it. Journalism helped save me, but i wouldn't have taken it seriously if not for you. You helped turn me into ... to grow into the disguise I was wearing."

"Thank God it wasn't Wanda," she grinned.

He laughed. "Rusty would have really had a heart attack in that case."

"Jack, you... you helped yourself to grow. It had to come from within. And don't forget what you did for me. I really was a child when we met. Maybe I was a legal adult, but I had so much to learn – you helped me get there."

"Mentoring my mentor."

"We both became what the other needed us to be. There's no shame in that."

"I'm like a human gumby."

She burst out laughing at the visual.

"No. Really. I ... I have no skeletal structure whatsoever."

"Jack, you have a lovely and elegant skeletal structure that looks great in a tux."

"What?"

"You have a backbone."

"Jennifer... I'm a coward."

"We all are to some extent. You learned to rise above the baser human instinct to lash out. You aren't a coward anymore."

He shook his head.

"I'll never really understand or believe the chances you and everyone else have given me. I promise not to disappoint."

"You won't. You can't. But... I hope someday you believe that you are a man of your own making. You really are. Steve even knew that."

"Jo said something like that -"

"So?"

"She's my mother."

"But did she always blindly applaud your behavior?"

"No. She called me on it on more than one occasion."

"Jo doesn't let people make excuses. So if she tells you she's proud ... she is. She's not making that up."

He lowered his gaze.

"I hurt her so much."

"I hurt my family a lot too."

"Not Jennifer Rose."

"Jack, if you call me that again..."

"No. No. I won't tease you. I'm sorry."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"Are you going to be there Wednesday."

"Yes."

"Will Kayla?"

"Yes."

She nodded.

"Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me."

"I want to. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Maybe we should talk about it – figure out what we're going to bring to the table."

"I think I trained you too well."

"Or vice versa."

"Touche, Jennifer."

"Jack – I just remembered something. My diary. I kept a log of everything that happened... there might be some details in there that I found out about his business practices... I really should bring that with us."

"Right. Jennifer. I'm sorry about that ... about leaving you alone with him that day. He was harrassing you right in front of me and I was of no help. If anything I was part of the problem."

"No, Jack. You weren't. Just seeing you refuse to take his bait helped give me strength to stand up against him."

"Well..."

"I ... will you go with me to get it?"

"The diary?"

"I... I really don't want to go to the loft right now. I mean, it's my home, but... right now, I'm just afraid Lawrence might show up there."

"Jennifer, I'll go get it. I'll get it now. Why don't you just relax."

"Really?"

"Really. I'll be back in an hour or so. Is that okay?"

She grinned at him.

"It's way more than okay."


	19. Jack and Kayla at the loft

Jack stood in the living room of the loft.

So much had happened here.

Once he had transformed himself and his life into something unspeakably hideous – once in a fit of rage and violence. He had followed up that transformation by coming here repeatedly to harass the occupant. And then, he had dared to rent it out for his deception with Mrs. Simms. In retrospect he shuddered at the utter gall that he had displayed in doing that. How could he have ever expected the already cautious Jennifer to trust him during their attempt at 'playing house' if he rented for them the very place he had once committed rape?

And then when it all fell apart, he had been left with an ugly reality – he had been in possession of a lease to a place that resonated with nightmares and horror to him. Even then, he had jokingly suggested to Jennifer that he live here with her... only it had been no joke. He had at that point realized that he loved her – he had figured that out the moment he had seen her unconscious form trapped under the beam of that tent, and he had tried to lure her into close quarters with him by suggesting a solution to her roommate problem. He was glad in retrospect it hadn't worked out that way. Her love was best won by honesty and not deception.

And speaking of deceptions, had they actually succeeded in fooling Mrs. Simms, would Jennifer have kept her door locked against the threat that Jack possibly posed? The thought made him sick. _Thank you, Mrs. Simms, wherever you are._

He walked over to where the couch was, almost identically placed to the one that he had forced Kayla down upon. He stood near it, trying once again to make sense of all the people he had been in his life. He felt he could almost see himself – pacing angrily, hurling out accusations, holding that accursed folder in his hands. He flinched. He didn't want those memories. That Jack could stay in the past, there was no room for him in the present or future.

Trying to shake the weight of his bad memories away, he went upstairs to look for the journal.

Entering Jennifer's bedroom, he felt a surge of loneliness for it's occupant. Everything about this room screamed Jennifer, and Jack longed to recreate the incredible moments he had experienced there with her. Yet this place too was overshadowed by the violent past. He remembered leaning against the bathroom door, begging Kayla to forgive him – and when she didn't – of course, she couldn't – he had switched into an angry threatening rage.

The fact that Kayla had been able to stay here with Steve after all that was a testament to the fact that for her, the good memories of her encounters here with his brother had been able to overpower the bad ones with him. And he had mocked her for that once.

He quickly found the journal and then he sat on Jennifer's bed for a few long moments thinking about the awful encounter in the park. Handicaps R Us he had said, feeling oh-so-clever as he behaved in a harassing and threatening way to the woman he had hurt in such a profound way. He shook his head. Kayla's words had been like spears – hitting with unerring accuracy on the truth of the matter... that it was Jack who was to be pitied for his pathetic and lonely existence.

Kayla more than anyone had known how important family had been to him, and she had used that knowledge to drive home to him the consequences of his behavior. Kayla had unwittingly pushed him towards a better future each time she had thrown his ugly deeds in his face. He would never be able to thank her enough for that, but it was gratitude he mostly had to keep to himself.

He sighed, and then he decided to leave. The intertwining memories – glorious and horrific were too upsetting to stand anymore.

He came clattering down the stairs, and then stopped in shock as Kayla stood there brandishing a fire-iron, her eyes wide with fear. He could feel his own heart pounding. For one horrible moment, he wondered if he had dreamed his entire life for the last few years.

He held his breath, and watched her carefully, shock and confusion in his gaze.

The fear left Kayla's eyes and embarrassment and dismay set in. She awkwardly lowered the fire iron, also remembering that other time she had brandished it as a way of feeling safe in his presence.

"Jack, I... I thought you were an intruder."

He let out the breath he'd been holding. _Thank god. It wasn't all a dream._

"Sorry," he said, his voice sounding raspy with shock. "I... I came here for this," he said, holding up the journal. "Jennifer took notes of some of the things she learned about Lawrence, and... I came here to get it for the meeting."

Kayla nodded.

"You... you don't have to explain why you're here, Jack," she said, trying to laugh it off. "Ah, your ... your girlfriend lives here."

"I... well, it's okay."

"You're probably wondering what I'm doing here."

"Well. You don't owe me any ... uh... any explanations either."

"Well, my car wouldn't start – you know it's cold, and... the engine doesn't always turn over... and... I came to make a phone call. I still had the key."

Jack realized that they both were standing very close to the actual spot of the rape, and he moved away – giving her a clear path between the couch and the door so she wouldn't feel threatened in any way.

"But... you know, why don't I just go... I'll see you soon. I – I'm sorry I scared you," she said, smiling nervously at him. She felt stupid for having been caught here – an intruder herself, even if Jack wouldn't call her that.

"No – No – wait, don't go -" he stopped talking.

_Don't go away. I want to make love to you. _He squeezed his eyes shut trying to banish the flashbacks. Had he ever believe he had the right to make love to someone who clearly wasn't interested? Each and every loving encounter with Jennifer had been a wonderful gift – a gift they had shared with each other willingly. Neither of them ever had the right to expect that gift... no matter what – if not given truly freely, it was no gift at all,but a burden.

"I – I mean – don't let me stop you from making that phone call -"

Once again, the horror of the past swam up to greet him. He had grabbed the phone from her – she had been frantic, and he had been threatening. If he could just walk back through time and belt himself across the jaw for her... but he couldn't. He couldn't change it, it had happened, and everything they said and did right now seemed to be a horrifying re-enactment.

"Look, Kayla – I got what I needed here... you know – and... I – I'm just going to go. That is - if you ... if you don't need a ride or anything."

"Wait, Wait – Jack. Look. I'm sorry. I lied. I... I didn't have car troubles. I... I came here... I don't know. I just needed to come here."

He watched her uneasily.

"Because you miss Steve?" His voice was hopeful. He was terrified that she was here because of him.

"Yes," she smiled sadly. "But... I also came here because of us – because of what happened between us - "

His heart sank.

"Because of what I did. It wasn't some random thing that _happened_, it was a deliberate act of cruelty – followed by many more deliberate acts of cruelty."

She looked away.

"The ghosts sure are active today..."

"For me too. Which is why I think I should just go – I'm sure my being here is making it that much worse." He indicated the poker in her hands. "I mean, I noticed you didn't exactly put that down."

She looked at it.

"Oh. No. No... I... I didn't mean to make you feel that I feel threatened now. I just didn't want to put it down on her furniture."

She moved over to the fireplace and placed it back in it's holder.

"There. All set."

"Right. But I should still go. "

"It hurts you to be here with me."

"Yes."

"Jack, please. Please wait."

"I can't, " he said, struggling to remain calm. He had been so emotionally out of control that day that he felt he owed it to her to be calm. "I – I keep.. reliving ... the things I said, the way – the way that you were trying to just get to the door," he said, shaking his head. "I mean, you just wanted to get out of here... you knew you were in danger... and ... I ... I - I was just glad you felt something – some reaction that said I was in the room. It makes me sick to think I – I was glad that you were..."

"I know it's hard, it's hard for me too, but I really – really need to talk to you. I really do," she begged him. "Please."

He looked at her, sorrow in his eyes.

"Kayla – please. Not here."

"Jack, it's fitting that we talk about this here."

He hesitated a long beat. _I can't deny her this. I can't deny her anything._

"Okay."

"I wanted to apologize, Jack," she said, pacing away from him. "For my part in all of this. For the way I acted during our marriage. You said you wanted a reaction... and... when I think back on it, I treated you like you were furniture – I ... I pushed you away but never gave you a good reason – and – I lied about how I felt about Steve. I knew you were uneasy and afraid as far as my feelings for Steve were concerned. I know how much Harper's approval meant and how important family was to you. You know. In the – in the beginning, I really meant for our marriage to work, but when I found out why Steve had pushed me away – I just... I didn't think about you anymore... it mattered more to me to be with Steve than to worry about how you would feel if it ever became public. I treated you like you didn't matter, and when you found out, you had no idea why. I can understand why you hated Steve, why you were so angry – I can even understand why you wanted revenge. I wanted to kill Lawrence. I really did. Sometimes I think I could. And... now that I know how it feels to be that angry, I feel I owe you an apology."

Jack looked at her with a mix of dismay and awe in his eyes. He fought against the wave of emotion that overwhelmed him.

"Kayla," he said gently. "You don't owe me a thing."

"I do, I do, Jack," she said fretfully "You think because you behaved horribly that it somehow cancels out what I did -"

"You weren't trying to hurt me," he insisted. "The same cannot be said for me."

"I should have been honest with you! Instead I just kept you in a state of confusion – not knowing what was going on in your marriage. You should have been happy in the early days of our marriage, not worried and wondering if it would all disappear overnight. And then – after I did find out, I started to have a relationship with Steve. I should have told you first that it was over, that I was in love with him and I wanted to be with him – I shouldn't have made you feel so worthless and afraid. You found out in the ugliest way imaginable and your career and self-respect were inexorably damaged by that."

"Damaged by my violence, Kayla – not by what you did."

"Yes, by what I did. Harper would have belittled you. You know that. And the public would have made a laughing stock of you..."

"Maybe, but so what? You were caught in a terrible situation..."

"Jack. Please let me apologize. Don't deny me that. Jack when I was sick, you were very sweet to me. You even offered to end our marriage. You weren't a horrible person – you were caring – you were sweet... but we stomped all over your heart, and ... we damaged you."

He was silent a long beat.

"Okay. I accept your apology. I ... accept it with gratitude. Thank you, Kayla. I'm sorry this has been burdening you for so long. I hope you didn't feel this way when I was – at my worst."

"I did, Jack. Steve did too."

"I didn't exactly make that easier on you either. I blamed you both. I tried so hard to make you both look badly in all this."

"We weren't to blame for your violence, Jack. You don't need to worry that I think that now. But we were to blame for hurting you, and it's okay that we felt badly about that. I... I do want to tell you though that there were times that I did question whether I was to blame for what you did and that Jennifer might well be feeling some of those same feelings about what happened to her."

He nodded.

"I know she does. It's one of the several reasons she couldn't tell me. I never for a minute thought it was her fault," he said awkwardly. "It's important to me that you know that."

"I do. I believe it."

"Well. Good," he said awkwardly.

"I guess I'll see you on Wendesday," she smiled at him, feeling embarrassed now by the stark honesty that had just passed between them.

"Yes you will," he said, reassuring her that he would be there. "And are you sure about your car? I mean, if you've been having trouble with it, I can -"

She smiled at him sheepishly.

"It's fine. I shouldn't have lied."

"Hey, it's not like I don't do it all the time," he said.

"It was cowardly. I was just trying to avoid the truth."

"I can't fault you for that. Can I at least walk you to your car? I don't mean to insult this place or anything, but the neighborhood isn't all that great."

She smiled at him.

"Yeah. I'd appreciate that."

He gave her that look – that awkward humbled look and accompanied it with a cordial nod, and she understood his message – that he felt humbled and gratified by the steps she was taking to further cement a positive bond between them. She wasn't sure if she would ever really be able to be around him and not have their past looming between them, but she did know that she cared for the man he had become – the man who was so much like the brother she had loved – and she wanted him to be a part of Stephanie's life. She only hoped when the time for truthful revelations came, Stephanie would be able to forgive Jack for the things he had done. She would worry about that later, however. Much later.


	20. Jack and Kayla leave the loft

They made their way to the door, and Jack stood back to let her open it and leave. Once again he was confronted with bad memories. It seemed just being here was opening up floodgates of regret and pain.

_Let me go, Jack._

_Look, I'll even open the door for you. _

He had gone on to threaten Steve's life so blithely. He had been a stupid child – only children were never as cruel as he had been. He had been hurt, and his feeble worthless apology had been summarily rejected, and instead of contrition and understanding, he had exploded into even deeper anger. He blamed her for making the rape real. For making it something he couldn't sweep under the carpet.

It seemed a ridiculous nightmare now – something that someone else had done. Had he really ever physically intimidated her, threatened her and invaded her space like that? Had he ever really used his own body to barricade her from exit – here, at the pier, the park, the hospital ... any number of places? How was it then that she stood there trustingly in that place with him, believing that he had good intentions towards her? How was it that people who had seen how he treated her, these very people who loved her- how had they ever been able to accept him in the community? Some of these people even called him a friend – and he would never understand that. How could anyone want to befriend a man who could violently attack a defenseless woman.

No. Not defenseless. To call her that would be further insult to her. Kayla _was_ small, but hardly defenseless. Like Jennifer – the two women shared so much in common. Physically little, radiant and sweet, but possessing a fierce strength that transcended physical limits. Kayla's words had always had the power to lambaste him once he started to let go of his anger. He remembered quite clearly how she had practically kept him prisoner at the emergency center after he had gone there, blood dripping from his stab wound. She was angry and the words had torn out of her with enough strength to keep him there, leaning back against the counter, shame pouring from every single pore of him. He had tried to fight back, he remembered that... grabbing her arm, hissing out his frustrations and anger at the life he had ended up with - but then the anger died not long after it had flared, and he had been left once again with the shameful realization that he was using physical force to compel her to listen to his diatribe.

Using physical force was something that seemed to come naturally to him. How many times had he used brute force on Jennifer to try to get his way? Never, of course to have sex with her, but to stop her from doing things he felt she shouldn't be doing. But Jennifer hadn't been afraid of Jack. She hadn't been afraid of any consequences associated with defying him, and had always managed to free herself from whatever confines he had placed her in. That trait of hers – that stubborn refusal to live in the size of her body was something that both enchanted and frustrated him.

But then Lawrence came around and finally taught her that there really were limits to her strength. He had stolen her invulnerability. And now, his actions caged her. Jennifer was in the exact same cage that Jack had locked Kayla into -and she had yet to find a way out. Worse, Jack knew that there wasn't really much he could do to help her...this was something she would have to work through on her own. He wondered how Steve had ever been able to love him after he had put Steve through the same hell he currently was living in now – watching the woman you cherish navigate through some of the worst kind of pain possible.

"Jack?"

It wasn't until Kayla spoke that he realized he hadn't moved. She stood outside the open door with an uncertain smile on her face. "Are you okay?"

He compressed his lips together guiltily and gave her a quick nod.

"Sure. I'm fine," he said, dropping his gaze. Her sweet forgiveness was intolerable at this point.

"It'll be okay," she said with perceptive gentleness. "You'll see. Your life is so much better now than it was a couple of years ago, right? You and Jennifer will get through this."

"I owe it to you to get through this," he said awkwardly. "I told you Lawrence wouldn't get away with what he did. If... he did kill Steve - we can't let him get away with that."

"That's what our planned meetings are all about. We won't lose, Jack."

"I wish I shared your optimism."

"My optimism has gotten me through quite a bit," she reminded him gently. "If you can take anything positive away from our past together, take that. When you stand together with people who care about you, you can win... even when the odds seem against you."

"Okay, Kayla. I'll try to be more positive."

"Don't be whatever you can't be. I'm just reminding you – all of us have come so far... we've beaten so many odds. You survived cancer, you survived a shipwreck... you can do this."

"I appreciate that, Kayla. Thanks."

Kayla could sense that Jack was feeling overwhelmed, and she knew how uncomfortable he was now with unfettered emotions. Taking pity on him, she smiled and suggested that it was time they left.

They walked to her car in silence, both still feeling uneasy in each other's company. Extreme emotions at extreme times had successfully broken through their layers of discomfort on several occasions, but at these times, when the silence resonated loudly – when stillness was upon them, these were the most awkward times of all.

Jack was grateful when they got to her car and he imagined she was as well. They said halting farewells and then she got in her car and attempted to start it. He was about to turn and walk towards his car when the hard grating sound of an engine refusing to turn over assaulted his ears. He paused and waited for the engine to finally do it's magic.

After a few useless attempts, she finally gave up and emerged somewhat sheepishly from the car.

"I guess I used that particular excuse one time too many," she laughed nervously. "I used to tell my father that my car wouldn't turn over to justify being home later than planned. He always claimed to believe me," she trailed off softly.

Jack felt a tense sleeve embrace his lungs. He remembered very clearly that she had told him the exact same thing so close to the time he had lost all reason and become her worst nightmare. He hoped fervently she wouldn't remember it, because then it would be there between them.

But he could tell by her sudden shift in demeanor that she did remember, and he wondered for a brief and horrified moment if she was going to bring it up.

She gave a nervous laugh and looked at him with regret in her eyes.

"Uh... can I ask you a favor?"

"Sure! Anything," he said eager to get past the moment.

"Could you give me a ride to the fish market? I'll call a tow truck from there."

"Sure, I can take you to the fish market – no problem. No problem at all. And if you want, I can take care of getting your car towed – wherever you want... or – whatever you need."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Absolutely."

"Thanks," she said, taking him up on his offer. Truthfully it wouldn't be too hard for her to get her car taken care of, but she knew how eager Jack was to be of service, and she understood that. He would forever feel himself to be at her service in some unending penance for the way he had once behaved. It was easier all around if she let him help – it calmed him down, and that in turn made her feel more easy around him.

"Okay. Great. I'll call the car place as soon as I get home and then I'll let you know the details."

"Great."

They turned and headed towards his car.


	21. Jack and Kayla drive to the Fishmarket

The walk to his car seemed interminable to Jack despite the fact that it was only a block away. He felt awkward and at odds with Kayla, not knowing what to say to her – if anything at all. Was she feeling the same lack of ease?

They were right near his car when a voice hailed from the darkness.

"Mrs. Johnson. Mr. Deveraux. Well, if this isn't a nice surprise!"

Jack groaned. Of all the people to run into at this point... Lawrence Alamain. Jack braced himself for the encounter vowing to himself that he would not let Kayla see him lose his temper with the man.

"Lawrence. You seem to show up around here a lot," Jack said, trying to keep his anger at bay.

_He's here to harass Jennifer._

"Just like you. Perhaps we're lured here by the same person. I'm looking for my former wife. Have you seen her?"

"I've seen her. Sure."

"Where do you think she might be?"

Jack shook his head. "Sorry. I can't divulge Jennifer's whereabouts to people who aren't her friends."

"Jennifer and I are much _more_ than friends, Jack. Once you've been married to someone, an intimacy is formed; an intimacy which can never truly be shaken away. But then, you know all about that – the two of you. Look at you, a shining example of friendship growing after an ugly divorce. How did you both manage to put all the unpleasantness of your past relationship behind you? After all – wasn't there infidelity involved, and accusations of unspeakable violence? How did you ever end up friends after all that?"

"We managed," said Kayla, trying to sound bored and uninterested.

"You certainly did, and in such a spectacularly public way."

"Do you have an actual point that you're trying to make, or are you just wasting our time," she snapped angrily. "It's cold outside, and I have places to be."

"Yes. You do. A child to take care of, right? A little girl?"

Jack stiffened at his words. He would do everything he could to reign in his temper around this man, especially with Kayla around, but if Lawrence was threatening his niece… he would be taking it a step further than Jack's forbearance could endure.

"My family is no business of yours," Kayla said angrily. "Now leave us alone before we get a restraining order out on you."

"My dear Mrs. Johnson, I am hurt by your dreadfully low opinion of me. I found your company to be quite charming back in my homeland and I had hoped we could be friends. Surely you know by now that I had nothing to do with that unfortunate earthquake?"

"You tried to _kill_ us, Lawrence." Her tone was incredulous and furious. Jack remembered that tone – that complete disbelief that someone could be so clueless as to the nature of what he had done. He was gratified this time to be her ally instead of the recipient of her anger and contempt.

"The whole thing was an accident – a poor happenstance – you happened to be in the wrong place during an earthquake. I hardly see how that's my fault –"

"Lawrence, as Kayla said... it's cold. Really. This conversation is over."

"Jack. I can call you that, seeing as how you see fit to use my first name? I had no idea you were so thin skinned. Does that apply figuratively as well as literally? Are you easily provoked?"

"You'll have to judge that for yourself," he said dismissively as he began to move towards his car.

"Perhaps I can ask your lovely ex-wife here. Or mine?"

"Lawrence, I wouldn't hold your breath," said Kayla angrily. She hated him even more for his slimy and obvious attempts at creating a rift between her and Jack. No matter what, they would all stand together and bring this man down once and for all.

"Well, then in that case, good day, Mrs Johnson. Jack. I look forward to seeing you again."

He turned and walked away from them, and they stood watching him for a long silent moment.

Kayla broke the silence first.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah. Sure," he said as he opened her car door for her. He shut the door after she got in, and moved to the other side. His heart was tightly squeezing in a vice grip and he wondered at it's ability to continue to function properly under these circumstances.

They drove in silence for a long time.

Kayla stole glances at Jack. She could feel his tension and anger, and she was amazed at how he was able to keep it under control. Lawrence was the one thing that could get under his skin, and yet he managed not to let it show. She remembered that Jack had seemed cold and unemotional many times during the days when they had been enemies. At his trial he hadn't even shown the slightest bit of emotion when she had told the story of his attack on her – and she had been convinced at that point that Jack Deveraux really didn't have a heart – any such display of it before had been a very clever dissimulation. But then he had confronted her and Steve and hissed out his vengeful and angry statement – _When you least expect it... expect it..._ and she had seen anger and bitterness break through that stony faced facade. Jack had a wellspring of emotions, he had learned the fine art of not betraying them when the situation demanded it.

But this time he wasn't so much stony-faced as controlled. His agitation was obvious – it was clear he was very upset about Lawrence – he just wasn't going to let Lawrence provoke him into acting on that anger, and in that way, Kayla could see how Jack had grown.

"You were really incredible back there," she broke the silence.

Jack felt a trickle of embarrassment make it's way through his body. Just how could he respond to that? 

"Ah... Likewise. I know you hate him as much as I do... are you... are you... doing okay after that?" He felt funny asking her that. He knew that he had left her in a similar state of helpless outrage on more than one occasion, so it felt funny to be trying to be solicitous of her emotional wellbeing after this particular encounter.

"I'm fine. That jerk can't hurt me anymore than he already has," she responded with anger in her voice.

"Yeah," he said nervously, looking away.

"What?"

"What?"

"What's wrong? You sound like you don't agree with me on that."

"I'm just being paranoid. It's nothing."

"Jack."

"I… I didn't like how he mentioned Stephanie. I felt pretty…much like he was levying a threat your way."

"He wouldn't go after a baby."

"He tried to kill us all. He tried to basically bury us all alive. Including Carly who he claimed to ... uh ... to have feelings for."

"But a baby, Jack. He can't possibly be that low."

Jack looked down. He hated this, because it was just too close to home for both of them, and they both knew it. Jack could almost hear her unspoken words - _You would never have hurt a baby._

"Kayla, we don't know what he's truly capable of. I'm just saying that he made me feel threatened that way. That's all. It's just the way he said it. He could have been all bark, you know? But … instincts tell me that we need to really be careful with him. I'm sorry – because I don't want to – be an alarmist at the cost of your emotional well being – but if I don't say anything, I feel like I'm ... I mean – look – do you want me to hire you a - " he stopped short, realizing the utter wrongness of what he was about to say.

_I can't offer her a bodyguard. Not when I used one to force her compliance._

"Jack, I can't live in fear. I won't. We'll let my folks know – we'll let Jo know… put out the general alert, but I think that's the best we can do. I think he's very afraid. He's afraid because he knows that we have every reason to want to bring him down. He's trying to bully us into backing down."

"It's just that he vehemently hates us. From his point of view, we are responsible for his world falling apart. Leopold wouldn't be dead if we hadn't come into his life. If Jennifer hadn't pretended to be Katarina, maybe Lawrence would have convinced Carly to give him a second chance... I mean, she did love him too at one time... so maybe he thinks it's possible. From his perspective – Jennifer, especially – destroyed his life. And I helped it along. That kind of hate – that kind of anger – it scares me, because it's irrational. There's nothing we can do to diffuse it."

"Right," she said wearily, hearing the words between the lines. Jack was trying to tell her that Lawrence's anger was much more powerful than Jack's ever was, and look how far Jack had been willing to take it.

She was silent a heartbeat and then she spoke.

"You know, Jack... our anger at him is pretty intense too. He killed Steve. That's... I mean – I really felt that I could have killed him."

Jack was silent. He didn't want to say anything to upset her at this moment, but he knew that as angry as Kayla was, the only thing that would ever lead her to take a life was if she felt she needed to in order to protect life.

"You must hate him for that too," she said softly. "For Steve. I mean, I know you loved him. And I know that it devastated you to lose him."

"Yeah," he said quietly, not trusting himself to say any more. He needed to control his emotional responses tightly around this woman of all people.

"Steve knew that you loved him."

He let out a mirthless laugh.

"Honestly, I don't know how he could have known that. I mean, not that I don't appreciate it – I do. I do appreciate that you told me that – but I never told him, and the way I've acted towards him ... "

"Jack, it was obvious in the way you interacted with him in recent times. He knew."

"He was so important to me," he said. "He was… my mentor – he was… he would have been my friend, I like to think – if we had been given more time. I do know that whenever I felt like I just didn't understand what my next step should be, I could go talk to him and he would make things so clear. I even liked it when he gave me a hard time about pushing Jennifer away – he knew i loved her, and he mocked me about it... he did that because he loved me and he was trying to make me see what was obvious to him – that I should just stop pushing her away."

"Would you have accepted a relationship with Jennifer if Steve hadn't approved?"

"I... I don't know. I guess probably not. I mean – if Steve didn't think I was good enough for her, I never would have. His opinion did mean the world to me."

"That mattered so much to him - not that his opinion could sway your decisions -but that he had come to be so important to you. It really mattered."

"I said some horrible things to him," he said regretfully. "I told him I hated him. I told him I always would. I rejected his offer of forgiveness and … I made him feel like he didn't matter to me at all. I…"

"I know, Jack. I remember. I remember how devastated he was. But you know something – you weren't ready for him yet – you had just found out some terrible truths – one right after the other – and... that coupled with your past with me... I mean, it had to have felt like your whole world had fallen apart."

"It had. And the world that was in it's place was a far better place. I just couldn't see it. I'm sorry, Kayla -because i know that Steve was reaching out to me at a time when it must have felt like the world's biggest betrayal."

"I... I didn't want him to give up his kidney you know. I tried to talk him out of it. I've felt badly about that – that I would condemn you to dialysis – or even death... but – I didn't want him to do it."

"I understand. I'm not hurt by that. It makes perfect sense."

"And then when he tried to get me to forgive you so your body would stop rejecting it – I just couldn't do it... even though it would have made his very dangerous sacrifice pointless – I couldn't do it - "

"Of course you couldn't."

"And then, I resented his attempts at making peace with you. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't press charges in order to hurt him... and ... and of course you – I mean, I know I was trying to hurt you."

"Maybe you were. But you pressed charges because of what I did – fundamentally it comes down to you doing what you had every right to do. Kayla, if you hadn't pressed charges, my life might not have fallen apart as badly as it did – I might have gone on to take Harper's senator seat – maybe I'd have married Melissa – and I'd be a person of dubious ethics even now. I think you saved my life when you did that... I mean, I don't want to get all religious about it, but... I feel that if you hadn't taken that step, my life would be very different... and not in a good way."

"I'm glad," she said softly. "I'm glad to have told you all that, and I'm glad you – feel the way you do about it. Because I do feel differently now. I'm glad you didn't go to prison and I ... for whatever it's worth, approve of you with Jennifer."

"That's... worth quite a bit," he said awkwardly.

"Well. Then... good."

Silence gripped the rest of the ride, which was mercifully almost over.

They drove up to the fish market, and Jack parked in front.

"Thanks," Kayla said awkwardly. "Did you want to come in and see Stephanie?"

He looked at her with a mix of regret, shame and appreciation.

"You know I'd love to see her," he said. "You do know that, right?"

"But you aren't going to."

"The idea of facing your family right now… is daunting."

"I guess it is for me too," she said. "I don't feel like being subjected to curious stares – even by my family. Especially by my family. But…I am expecting you to be a part of Stephanie's life," she said warningly. "So don't think otherwise. You are family too."

He nodded solemnly.

"I know. I appreciate that more than I can ever say."

"Well. I'm going to go in now. I'll see you Wednesday – unless I bump into you again in some other bizarre place," she said with a nervous laugh. "Please give my love to Jennifer."

"I will. She'll appreciate it, I'm sure. So long... and thanks."


	22. The Fishmarket

Kayla entered the fish market and saw her mother and Bo together at a table drinking coffee.

Smiling, she joined them.

"Kayla! Was that _Jack_ who just dropped you off?"

Kayla smiled nervously.

"Yeah. I had car trouble, so he brought me home."

"Something wrong with your car? Do you need me to look at it, Kay?"

"No. Jack's taking care of it."

"Jack. Jack is taking care of your car."

"Okay. Jack is going to pay someone to take care of my car."

There was a brief silence, and then Caroline spoke up.

"Kayla, I think it's great how much he's changed. And... I'm glad you and he were able to move past what he did ... for Steve and Jo's sake, mostly – but... is this wise?"

"Is what wise? You think I shouldn't trust him?"

"You trusted him when you married him."

"I hardly knew him when I married him, and his parents always gave me the creeps. I ... married him without really thinking it through. I thought he was dying, mom, and I was trying to... I guess... give him a reason to live. I didn't think much past that."

"And look how badly that turned out. I'm not blaming you, but... I guess what I'm saying is – is it wise to become so dependent on a man who once tried to destroy your life?"

"I guess it comes down to whether or not you believe he's changed. It took a very long time for me to believe it... but I do. I do believe he's changed. Do you? I mean, do you believe that Jack loved Steve? Sincerely?"

"I do," said Bo immediately.

Caroline paused a long moment as she thought the question through.

"Yes. I do."

"Then you must know he's sincere with his dealings with me."

"I ... you're my child. It's hard for me to not worry about you. He hurt you once. So... that's always going to be there."

"I know."

"If I just knew him for who he is now, I would trust him. But I know that he can appear to be a nice guy, and still be capable of some pretty ugly things. And I have trouble getting past that."

"So you haven't forgiven him?"

"Mostly. But - you're my daughter... and when I look at him, sometimes all I can do is think that he hurt my daughter... and it makes me angry."

"I know," whispered Kayla. "I have times where I have trouble with those same feelings."

Bo shifted uneasily.

"When I found out about what he did, I honestly wanted to come back here and beat the hell out of him. I really did. But Steve begged me not to when I called him about it. He told me all about who Jack really was, and that made all the difference in the world. I couldn't hurt Steve's baby brother – not after everything that had gone on between Steve and me in the past... you know, his eye, and everything."

"That wasn't just your fault," said Kayla.

"No. But still... I owed it to him to let him handle it. But I hated Jack. And I always expected I would hate him. I mean... don't tell anyone, but you're kind of my favorite sibling," he said to her with a wink.

She grinned back, knowing it to be true. She and Bo had always had a very tight relationship.

He sobered.

"He hurt my sister in a way that... was so... cowardly and awful. How could I not want to come here and make him pay for that? But ... I stayed out of it for Steve. And then... I heard about how Jack seemed to be mending his ways, and trying to get closer to Steve... and I was skeptical. Until I met him. This guy was nothing like what I had imagined. I saw how much he cared about Jennifer when she was hurt on that island. Jack's a confusing person at times, but I do think he's firmly on the right path. "

Kayla nodded her agreement.

"I hope you don't feel betrayed that I didn't come back, Kay... I mean, I didn't want you to think that... that I was taking sides or anything."

"No," she said. "I'm glad. Because things had been so bad between you and Steve for so long, it would have been horrible if Jack's actions tore the two of you apart again. I'd have felt extra guilty – I mean, I already felt badly about ruining Steve's chances at bonding with his brother."

"Kayla, that wasn't your fault."

"I know... but, I could have handled the whole thing differently."

"Does Jack still believe that? Do you know? I mean – I know at one time, he was convinced that his actions were provoked. He said as much in the Chronicle."

f

"It's a really good thing I wasn't around for that... just thinking about that is making me angry at him all over again."

"No. Bo. Mom. no. Jack apologized to me at the villa."

"I'm glad ... that he did that."

"He felt that he never really said what he wanted to say to Steve, and then – we were all so uncertain as to whether we would ever get out of there alive... so... he apologized. And – he takes full responsibility."

"Well. Good. Then I don't have to go over there."

"He wouldn't fight back, anyway, Bo. I guess that's how I began to see that he sincerely was feeling badly for his actions – when Steve would physically push him and Jack would rarely fight back. I know he could have... he's bigger and probably stronger than Steve... but – he didn't because he knew that Steve was right."

"He really has changed a lot. A lot of things changed in his life – and those things ended up making him a better person."

"Sure, and Jennifer."

"She had a lot to do with it."

"That's his claim, anyway."

"I think it was more than just Jennifer. Obviously he had to want to change – obviously he had a conscience all along, which I do believe to be true. He was just a coward... and – he grew out of that."

"He wasn't very cowardly at Alamain's villa. I couldn't believe him with those swords."

"Swords?"

"Alamain challenged him to a duel. It was supposed to be all for fun, but he went after Jack as if he meant to kill him."

"He did. Those swords weren't blunted. Jack realized that after the duel, but even if he had known ahead of time, I don't see what he could have done. Lawrence charged at him, he had no choice but to defend himself."

"How in the world did he learn to fence?"

"He was a rich little kid once, Ma," said Bo. "He learned all kinds of useless things."

"Well – this came in handy."

"How are you doing, Kayla, after finding out about Jennifer? I'm sure a lot of your old feelings are resurfacing."

"Well. They are. I've had a few nightmares... but that shouldn't stop us all from working together from bringing our real enemy down. Lawrence is the one we need to hate. Lawrence is the one we need to stop. And having Jack on our side is really valuable. He's got a very sharp mind, he's indefatigable, he's got money and the paper – and -"

"And he's been where Lawrence has been," said Bo. "We can't ignore that."

"No. And nobody is more aware of that than Jack."

"Did you talk him into coming to the meeting?"

"I did."

"Was it hard to convince him?"

"Kind of. He was definitely worried about how it would make me feel. I told him that we couldn't let our past stand in the way of doing what was right. "

"Are you sure it's going to be okay for you?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure of anything. I'll just take it one day at a time. Today was pretty incredible – I feel like I got a chance to really talk to Jack...something we've both avoided for a long time. We were even at the loft together."

"What? That's where you decided to meet?"

"No. I went there after my talk with Jack. I ... guess I kind of just needed to go back and get some closure. And then, he came there to pick up something of Jennifer's. I thought he was an intruder and scared him witless by nearly skewering him with a fireplace poker."

Bo snickered and Caroline elbowed him with mock severity.

"You can laugh. I guess it sounds funny. But it was pretty horrible, actually," said Kayla soberly. "I threatened him with a fireplace poker in that very place once before when he came to the loft the day he was arrested for rape. He was so angry at me and I felt like I needed to defend myself."

"This is kind of making me want to kill him again, Kay," said Bo, suddenly serious. "I mean... the idea of him coming after you -"

"Nothing happened," she said hastily, choosing to omit the part where Jack had actually grabbed her and shook her in his anger. "Steve showed up... but what really hit home with me back then was how unafraid he was. I mean, I was threatening him with a fairly dangerous weapon, but he acted like he didn't care – like it didn't faze him in the slightest. And this time, he was really freaked out."

"He probably was before. He just hid it well."

"Yeah. Well – it was really strange being there together, but I used the opportunity to apologize once and for all for how badly I handled my marriage to him."

"You didn't do anything wrong," said Caroline angrily.

"I hurt him. And... that's apart from what he did to me in retaliation or in response... I hurt him, and for what I did, I apologized."

"And how did he react?"

"Kind of like you, mom," said Kayla laughing. "He refused to acknowledge that I had anything to apologize for."

"Well. Good," said Caroline hotly. "Because if he had..."

"He didn't," said Kayla insistently. "Anyway, we both left, but after I couldn't start my car, he offered me his services, and then we ran into Lawrence."

"What was he doing there," spat Bo.

"He was trying to harass Jennifer," she sighed.

"Oh."

"But ... she's at Jack's, so she's safe. Jack seems to think that Lawrence was threatening Stephanie's well-being... I didn't interpret his remarks that way, but then again, I'm not inclined to ignore Jack's interpretation either. We should be really careful."

"Do you really think he could hurt Stephanie?"

"I'd hate to think so... but we're pretty vigilant anyway – I just wanted you to know ... so you could be aware of any kind of potential danger."

"Oh, Kayla," said Caroline.

"No. Don't let it consume you. Lawrence has done enough damage to our family – we can't let him continue to destroy us by forcing us to live in fear."

"Do you mind if I go talk to Jack about this? I want to get a better feel about what Lawrence said that made him so uncomfortable."

"Bo, it's fine with me. Just don't talk about my past with him. Okay?"

"Mmmm. Okay. Okay. Unless he brings it up... okay?"

"Well. Okay. Now... I think it's time for me to go see that little sweet girl of mine."


	23. Jennifer and Isabella

Jennifer waited for Jack to return. It seemed he had been gone a lot longer than she would have expected, but she tried not to worry.

_After all. What could really happen? At least it's safe here._

It seemed odd that she felt most safe at a place where the riverfront knifer had once lived. So much had happened in this house that was unpleasant, and now it was her haven.

_Lawrence can't get me here._

Just then, a knock at the door startled her. She cautiously approached, worried that perhaps Lawrence _had_ tracked her down here. She was relieved to see Isabella.

She opened the door and invited her friend in. As soon as Isabella was in, she quickly shut and locked the door.

Jennifer's fierce and frantic motions were not lost on Isabella. It angered her to see her friend so frightened.

Jennifer turned to her when she was done and smiled.

"Are you here for Jack? He's out right now, but I'm expecting him back any minute."

"I'm here for you, Jennifer. Do you have some time to talk?"

"Oh! Sure! Sure!"

"Can we sit?"

"Do you want something to drink – eat – I can -"

"No. No ... I'm fine."

The two women sat down on the couch, and then Isabella looked up at Jennifer earnestly.

"I'm sorry for overstepping my bounds, Jennifer."

"You mean – about your sharing your suspicions with Jack?"

"Yes. I gave it a lot of thought. Obviously you would have told him if you wanted to, and I took that choice away from you. You've had enough of that... with Lawrence. I – I don't want you to feel like I ... invaded your privacy."

"You didn't. You saved my relationship with Jack," she said, reaching over to grip the other woman's hand in gratitude.

"Oh, Jennifer."

"telling him the truth was the only way to recover from what I did. I knew that, but I still couldn't make myself say the words... I guess... it was just too... close to what he had once done. I couldn't... imagine it... just that moment where he found out – I couldn't imagine how I could handle it. I mean – how did he handle it – when you suggested it?"

"He was pretty upset. But he was already upset about – well, about what had happened between you - "

"I slapped him. Isabella. I called him a rapist."

"I know."

"And... he believed that I meant him – because that's how he thinks of himself. I've worked so hard to get him to see that that's not who he is – and I destroyed it in that one moment."

"Jennifer, he did commit rape. He's... got reason to think of himself that way."

"I ... wondered how you feel about him now? Knowing what he did?"

She shook her head. "I suppose you knew him back when he was ... a different person?"

"We were both in Salem at the same time. I was afraid of him. I hated him at one point – for hurting Kayla, for hurting my cousin... and then my family – I'm not sure if he told you how he tried to discredit my father, uncle and brother so that he could have his father's senate seat."

"No... but we weren't exactly there for a lengthy true confessions."

"Jack did a lot of really bad things. But – he was reactionary – and vengeful. If you pushed him, he pushed back harder. I think finding out he was a Johnson – and then finding out that his own father's teachings were suspect given that he was a serial killer... I think those things really helped him become a better person."

"You had a lot to do with that too."

"So did you. You trusted him from the very beginning. He was the guy who rescued you, and you trusted him. That meant so much to him. To just be trusted."

"He earned it. Jennifer, I will always trust Jack. I will always love him – and you... you both mean so much to me... and – I admit, I once thought I could fall in love with him..."

Jennifer looked down. "I know."

"But it's okay. I've moved past that. I just... wanted you to know that if I had – I would still love him – despite what I found out – because I know that the man I met was the real deal. I love and trust Jack Deveraux, and I always will. What he said... thew me a bit... bu it didn't take long for me to realize that whatever terrible things he had once done, they weren't things he could do today."

Jennifer teared up and hastily tried to brush the tears aside.

"I... I'm not as ... I'm not as good as you."

"Jennifer, you listen to me," Isabella said fiercely. "You have every reason to be conflicted. Don't you start hating yourself because of that."

"I owe it to him to trust him unconditionally."

"I think you do trust him unconditionally."

"I – I don't know," she said uncomfortably remembering the cabin. She had thought about her actions that night long and hard, and had finally concluded that she had on some level felt threatened by Jack's behavior. She just wasn't ready to admit that out loud.

"I do now," she said. "I guess... there was a time... after Lawrence, where Jack was so jealous of Frankie – that I couldn't help but remember how he behaved when he found out about Steve and Kayla."

"Of course," said Isabella soothingly. "That's natural, Jennifer. It really is."

"But he deserves so much better than that."

"Your actions follow you – they – define you. I killed Marina... it's something I have to live with – it's a part of who I am now – I killed my own sister."

"But not on purpose."

"I ... I like to think that – but sometimes I wonder if subconsciously I didn't ... I mean, she had me locked up there – and – I was starting to think she would never get me out."

"Isabella, you aren't a deliberate killer."

"And you aren't a horrible person for having doubts about Jack.. You knew him during his worst days. The fact you were ever able to trust him ... that speaks volumes for you."

"You should have seen how hurt he was," she said. "Even before I slapped him. Isabella, Jack was finally so open and loving. He had stopped running away from us – it was everything I had ever wanted, and all I did was pull away whenever he reached out to me. You should have seen how hurt he was when I didn't accept his proposal. Do you have any idea how hard it was for him to propose? After Kayla and Melissa? " She was crying now as she remembered his pain.

"Jennifer," said Isabella soothingly. "You were going through something terrible yourself."

"And I hurt him so badly. I swore I never would. And I did. He was so afraid, and I still didn't tell him."

"I know it hurts. I'm sorry."

"You saved us from that. You... you told him what you thought and you... lifted a burden off his shoulders. I know it hurts him that I was raped, but... i think it helped him also to know that he wasn't the problem."

"But he kind of is."

"But ... not as much as he thought. He was so hurt. So unbelievably hurt. He felt like I had thought of him as a rapist all along, Isabella... you know how afraid he was to get close..."

"He talked about his past being an anchor that weighed him down and prevented him from getting close... and I know he meant to you. I overheard an amazingly painful interaction between him and Steve... and it was clear how deeply that wound went between them. I mean, I felt for Jack, I did... but now that I know, I understand why Steve was so distrustful. I understand all of that, even if I don't feel that way myself."

"You're a good friend to both of us."

"And you are to me. We've been through something really hard together, and that ... that makes a friendship strong."

Jennifer thought about Katarina and how deep her betrayal went, and she began to cry again.

"I really appreciate it," she said, wiping her tears. "You have no idea."

"Jennifer, I'm here for you anytime," she said kindly. "But maybe you should talk to a professional. I know it's done wonders for me... after everything with Marina, and then my father... and then Victor... I was really confused."

"I am going on Monday. "

"Good. I think it'll help."

"Thank you again, Isabella. For all your support."

Isabella stood up.

"I am always here for you. And I'll help in anyway you need with Lawrence."

"I... I appreciate that. Thank you so much for coming."


	24. Jack and Jennifer

Jack drove around aimlessly for a long while, trying to dispel his sense of shock.

Kayla had apologized. She had apologized. He had victimized her, and she had just apologized.

It all seemed so wrong. He was the aggressor – the perpetrator, and she was the innocent victim. Innocent victims shouldn't apologize to the people who transgressed against them. Jennifer would never... not even in a million years... owe Lawrence any kind of apology._ It's the same thing. The same exact thing. Jennifer didn't do anything wrong. Neither did Kayla. She never owed me an apology._

But as he thought about it, he realized that this wasn't the same thing. Lawrence's own wicked intent had led Jennifer to feel the need to prolong her deception. She had been trying to keep a vast fortune out of the hands of someone she knew to be dangerous. Deadly.

Kayla ... it was all so complicated. Kayla had harmed him far worse than Lawrence believed Jennifer to have harmed him, and yet, his personal pain had been so much more directed at the woman he had believed to have caused it. He had loved her, or so he had believed – but it was a different kind of love – a grasping and coveting sense of need more than anything else. Kayla had been an essential player in the scene he had been trying to create, only she just couldn't muster the enthusiasm to learn her lines.

Jack was his own worst enemy in all this. He knew himself to be an excellent study of character. Jack could ferret out lies better than almost anyone else he knew. It was a special gift, and yet ... it had failed him so spectacularly with Kayla.

In retrospect, he was stunned by his own cluelessness. And then his clueless and clumsiness had turned to cruelty. Got those Cs covered, didn't I, he thought. Angry and terrified by the confusing lack of marriage that he had all along had, bitter and terrified that he had been given a raw bill of goods, Jack had tried to force his way into Kayla's consciousness.. he had done that, all right, by forcing his way into her body.

Kayla didn't deserve for him to have ever treated her that way. She had no reason to apologize.

_iBut what if it had happened differently? What if I hadn't snapped? Then what?_

He thought about that. If he hadn't hurt her, if he hadn't become a monster – he would have been the victim of the piece – the one to whom apologies would have been due. And that's when he realized that he had been hurt by Kayla and Steve. He knew they hadn't meant it, but they had damaged a large part of his ability to trust in other people. And that's what led him to Melissa. It comforted him to know that she loved him far more than he would ever love her, because then, she would never be able to betray him like that. In the end, he had tried to betray _iher _like that despite his first-hand knowledge about how it had made him feel.

He thought about that for a long moment. He had damaged Melissa's sense of trust in the same way that Kayla had damaged his, but he had been too angry about her public jilting to really feel any true remorse about it for a very long time. And when he did begin to feel remorse it was only in context to what he felt for Jennifer. He shook his head. It was all so complicated. How could he have done the same terrible thing to Melissa that Kayla and Steve had done to him? He wondered if on some level he had done it in order to push her away – some kind of pre-emptive strike – some part of him had railed against the idea of joining his life to someone who would always, in his mind, be second-best.

_Jack Deveraux, you are a piece of work._

And then it became completely clear. He had been walking around with an unhealed wound in his soul. His own dawning awareness of the true nature of the sickening pain he had inflicted on his own brother and his brother's soul-mate had blinded him to the fact that they had hurt him too.

Kayla's apology – freely and honestly offered healed a wound he had been surprised to find he still had and he loved her all the more for it. No matter how difficult it would ever be for Kayla to even like him, Jack would treasure her forever. He loved her more now than he ever had, only this time, his love for her made sense. She was family – but she wasn't his soul-mate. He wondered how he ever could have thought that she was.

He arrived at his house and parked the car.

Jennifer looked up from the couch and smiled at him as he walked in the door.

"Hi," she said happily. "You're back!"

He nodded, giving her a weary smile.

"Is everything okay?"

"Okay?"

"Yeah. You were gone for a long time."

"Oh. Yeah, Yeah, I was. But... I got it," he said fishing it out of his briefcase. "Here," he moved over to where she was and handed it to her.

She took it and contemplated it soberly. Had he read the words she had written? Was that why he was so distracted?

"Did you read it?"

"What? No. No. Of course not. It's your private journal."

"Uh-huh," she said teasingly. "And your point would be...?"

"Jennifer. No... no - I mean it...I would never..." and then he became even more serious. "Look, I know I have... a history of..." he trailed off. "I have a history of a lot of underhanded things... I have a history of... of..."

"Jack," she said, getting up and walking over to him. "What is it? Come on. What's wrong."

She led him to the couch and gently urged him to sit.

As soon as he sat down, she sat right next to him and leaned into the solid warmth of his body seeking to both offer and receive comfort. Gingerly he placed his arm around her, offering up silent prayer to a number of different gods in hopes that he wouldn't trigger any bad memories or feelings.

"What's wrong," she asked again.

"I... I ran into Kayla," he said running his free hand through his hair.

"Where?"

"She was at the loft."

Jennifer was suddenly silent in the face of his revelation, she could see that the encounter had taken a lot out of him.

"Why?"

"Oh. I guess our talk really kind of woke up a lot of feelings... and she went there, I suppose to... I don't know. I don't know - I mean - the loft... you know," his voice cracked in pain.

He had been so vicious and violent there. An intruder, interloper - a rapist. And then, he had been a lover - he and Jennifer had shared amazingly tender moments there when they returned from the island. And now it was all horribly interwoven in his mind and it was hard to think about Jennifer without thinking about Kayla, without thinking about her being harmed in the very same way he had harmed Kayla.

If he had just done his one violent act and then repented it – he might be able to forgive himself ... but he hadn't. He had gone after his victim - tormented and harassed her, brought her to pain and fear just because he couldn't deal with the fact that he had turned himself into a monster. He remember hearing about her bruises, he remembered her tearful testimony – how she just wanted to forget it ever happened - she had wanted to make it go away - she had seemed so broken up there on the stand delivering those words, and he had felt badly – he had felt horribly... but he let his own fear of being imprisoned overwhelm those feelings of guilt.

How could his own welfare have been his primary fear? He had raped someone – he had driven someone half his size into pain and despair and all he had worried about was serving time? Self-preservation at all costs, like a true Deveraux. And now, Lawrence was in a similar situation and because of that, Jack knew that Lawrence was fighting for his life and he would bring them all down in the process if that's what he felt he had to do. Pressing charges would unleash even more of Lawrence's rage and menace. Just like when Kayla had pressed charges against him.

He shook his head .

i_I don't want to understand him._

Jennifer pulled back a little from him so she could see his eyes.

"Did you want to talk about it?" Her offer was softly worded, but he could see the fear in her eyes. She didn't want to know. She wasn't ready to know.

"She... was looking to put some of her ... ghosts to rest, I guess - and we both shocked the hell out of each other being there - it was almost funny," he said mirthlessly. " I mean - I nearly gave her a heart attack and she nearly skewered me with a fireplace poker."

"Oh my god..."

"But it ended up well. We had a ... we talked. And... I think it went well. And... then I had to give her a ride home because her car wouldn't start.'

"That sounds incredibly intense."

"And... she wants me to come by and see Stephanie sometime... I mean, she's really reaching out -trying to make it seem like we're family -"

"You iare family."

"Only because she married my brother. No-one should ever have to forgive someone who treats them the way I treated her."

"She wouldn't have done so if she didn't want to."

He paused and then shook his head.

"Kayla subverted a lot of her aversion towards me in order to make Steve happy. I never want you to do that for me... promise me you never will."

Jennifer leaned into him again.

"Jack..."

"You were there... at that party – where we pretended to be a couple? You saw me. You saw me blaming the rift between myself and Steve on her inability to get past what I had done. You isaw that, and you still ... I don't understand how you could have wanted me in your life after seeing that."

"Jack – that was before. It was before there was an ius. I mean... I – I know you were wrong to expect her forgiveness... but I also know you were deeply hurting."

"That wasn't an excuse for laying the blame at her feet like that. I mean... I should have just left her alone. I didn't though... I mean... like Lawrence. I mean... he showed up there too. He came looking for – for you."

She shuddered and he felt it. He tightened his arm around her reassuringly..

"I didn't tell him where you were."

"I know. I know you wouldn't -"

"He knows about my past with Kayla and he tried to hurt us with it. "

"Jack, I'm sorry."

"I wish so much that Steve was alive. Then at least I wouldn't have to worry about Stephanie and Kayla."

"You think he'd hurt them?"

"I wouldn't put it past him. Kayla thinks I'm overreacting, but then..."

"Well, I did too. I refused to take your fears seriously. And look what happened."

"I didn't mean that this was your fault."

"I know. I guess I'm just saying that if you think he's a threat to Stephanie and Kayla, I hope that Kayla takes you more seriously than I did."

"I know you hate me saying this, " he said moving slightly away, "But I know the man. I iknow him. I don't think he could hurt Stephanie... but... I do think he could hurt any of us... and I think we should all be careful to never let him get any of us alone."

"Okay," she said. "I won't."

"It's not enough to just try to be careful l - we have to really really do it."

"I promise. I really – really promise. Jack – it's one of the reasons I wanted Frankie living with me. I don't feel safe alone anymore. Having him around made me feel safe."

He flinched at that. Safe. Safer than Jack. Living with Jack wouldn't have made her feel safe.

"Jack, I didn't mean that I didn't trust you. I know that you would have never ... "

"You didn't trust me. You didn't trust that I could get past what Lawrence did. Given our own history together, I don't blame you at all for not trusting me to be there for you.""

"But that's different from the other thing."

"I know."

"Does that help at all... to know that?"

"I know it, Jennifer. It's okay."

There was an awkward pause.

"So... who did you talk to today?"

"Julie – my grandma, and Melissa. I also talked a little bit with my uncle Mickey."

Jack winced.

"Mickey. Another proud member of the people victimized by Jack Deveraux club."

"Uncle Mickey knows that you've changed. He accepts us as a couple, Jack."

"Grudgingly."

"I'm not saying he'll ever be your biggest fan – I'm just saying he doesn't hate you."

"But he once did."

"I know."

"And I'm not upset with him about that. I'd have hated me too if I were him. I mean – I do hate... who I was."

"It doesn't matter now, though, does it?"

"Well..."

"Everyone was really supportive."

"Well. Good."

"And if it's any consolation, Julie is a member of the Jack Deveraux fan club."

"Well... of course. I mean – there's a newsletter... and... a badge... and - "

"Jack!"

"Julie didn't know the old me."

"So who cares? I kind of did... and I love you. And I think that if you take the time to really think it through, I'm the one Horton who's opinion matters the most here."

"I know. I'm just scared."

"Of facing them."

"Yes."

"Okay."

"But it won't stop me from doing it."

"Then, I guess thats all that matters. Oh. I talked to Frankie too."

"Ah."

"He already knew."

"I know."

"He overheard me on the phone. I was ... I called ... the rape hot line at the hospital after you left here – after we had exchanged gifts."

"Right. When I got all stupid because you wouldn't make love."

"That's not why you got angry."

"Jennifer."

"You were angry because you thought Frankie was the problem. That's understandable. I'd have felt the same way. You know I've been angry and jealous with you because of the same thing."

"Frankie is just a friend. If that. Honest. There's nothing else going on there."

"Jack, will you be serious?"

"I'm – I'm trying."

"You were hurt because you thought that I was lying about my feelings for him. You'd been through this before and it hurt you that I would deliberately put you through it again. You had no idea. If Frankie hadn't been in the picture, you probably wouldn't have gotten angry."

"You don't know that."

"I do. Don't blame yourself for what you felt. It really is reasonable."

"So what did young Francoise have to say."

"iFrankie apologized for not telling me he knew. He was just... really kind and supportive. I think he wants to kill Lawrence, but... I know he'll try to reign that in."

"Frankie loves you."

"Jack."

"And he'll protect you if he has to. I can't help but like him a little for that. Look – I'm glad he's around. I'm glad he's living there. Now that i know, I like that he's around to keep that jerk away from you. I know that Frankie would never hurt you in any way. You don't have to be uncomfortable about maintaining a close relationship with him. I trust you. I'm sorry I ever doubted you, and I'll try very hard not to ever get that way again. No promises, but we can all live in hope that I'll actually learn from this particular situation."

"You're a fast learner, Jack."

He smiled at that.

"So are you," he said, his voice dropping a note. "Wait. I'm sorry. What am I doing?"

"Engaging in suggestive banter?"

"Which is totally inappropriate."

"Don't think about it so much. Sometimes it's good to follow your instincts."

Jack remembered the sensation of Jennifer hurling herself at him and pinning him against that door. Suddenly his body remembered it too and he quickly galvanized himself off the couch.

"Okay. My instincts tell me I'm hungry. You?"

Jennifer looked at him.

"Uh-huh," she said, letting him know she knew the real problem. "Sure. Is there any pizza left?"


	25. Jack and Jennifer, continued

After dinner, Jack and Jennifer sat companionably in the living room. The day had been very hard for both of them and they were both caught up in quiet introspection.

Jack kept seeing his house with new eyes. Kayla's comment about how it had changed brought up some ghosts of his own. He remembered all the time he had spent here with Harper and Angelica, especially after the rape. He had been so afraid of getting caught, of having it exposed. He had been sure that they would be so angry and disgusted with him and instead, they had rallied around him with so much love and support, it had really touched him.

Harper's support didn't seem so extraordinary now, in the wake of knowing of his homicidal nature, but Angelica's support still amazed Jack. How she could have stood by her step-son after he had committed one of the most demeaning acts of violence against a woman amazed him, but she always had - despite the fact that Angelica would never have condoned a husband forcing his wife to have sex with him, she had still stood by him and had never let on that she found his behavior to be disgusting.

Despite himself he missed them both dreadfully - he missed what he once had had with them.

It wasn't that he didn't love Jo. He did. He loved her with an intensity that took his breath away. Perhaps he had always loved her, because as she said, that kind of love didn't die. But it was different from what he remembered feeling with Harper and Angelica. Jack would always feel that sense of awkwardness with his family because of what he had done.

He would feel this with Adrienne especially. It was incredible to him that she had ever trusted 'Jack Deveraux' to help her in her search for her brother. She knew what he had done, she understood the nature of the damage he had inflicted, and yet she had never been actually afraid of him, despite the very obvious indicators that he was capable of the same kind of violence she had endured. She had that sweet sense of trust in her that had never been shattered despite the horror of her upbringing and the horror of what Duke had done to her. Even after Jack had thrust Earl into her life that horrible day, she had still been able to find it in herself to forgive and trust him. He would never feel himself worthy of the trust she placed in him.

"Jack, you're so quiet," said Jennifer softly. "What are you thinking about?"

"Just... life," he said, after a long pause. "How strange it all is."

She nodded.

"You've had a lot of strange things happen in your life," she agreed. "Do you think we'll ever be able to adapt to normalcy?"

"Normalcy? With the two of us? Dream on!"

She grinned. "You said it at the villa - eventually we would slow down. Right? When the kids came?"

It warmed his heart to hear her planning for the future. For so long, it was clear that such thoughts were anathema to her as she navigated through her secret pain alone.

"Yeah," he said briefly as his old fears of being a parent began to squeeze his heart.

"You do want kids, right? That wasn't just a ruse, right?" She was smiling at him and he knew she was teasing.

But the idea of becoming a father did terrify him, and he didn't know what to say in return.

"No. It wasn't a ruse," he said, hoping she would drop it.

She seemed to sense his tension and she decided not to pursue it. The two of them had enough obstacles to overcome right now, and kids weren't even possible until she got past the current obstacle.

She started to think about how his day must have been. Meeting up with Kayla at the loft must have been terrifying for both of them. Kayla had stayed with her briefly in the loft and she knew that the two of them had run into each other a couple of times during that time, but this time the past had deliberately been pushed to the forefronts of all of their minds. She couldn't imagine ever being in Lawrence's bedroom again with Lawrence, even if he did, by some miracle, transform himself like Jack had.

Jennifer didn't think such a transformation was likely. Lawrence and Jack were very different in her mind. She'd observed enough of Jack during the latter part of his journey back into a decently motivated person and she knew that at the core of his violence had been a deep rage and pain at having had his heart cut out the way they did. Jennifer knew that Kayla and Steve hadn't wanted to hurt him, but she also knew they hadn't tried too hard to avoid it.

She stole a look at Jack, trying to imagine his face distorted into the kind of anger that he must have felt upon finding out about Steve and Kayla. As angry as he had been with her when he thought she was lying about Frankie, he couldn't have been as angry as he had been when he found out about Kayla's affair. That anger had been so intense that he had completely lost sight of reality. She didn't believe he could ever go to that level of rage again.

But that hadn't always been the case. She remembered when he was engaged to Melissa, she used to watch him, trying to figure out if he truly had changed. She was afraid for her cousin, and she had been afraid of him. He seemed so slick, so suave. There had been a veneer of sophistication around him that was very nerve-wracking. It was clear he didn't love Melissa, and his attempts to prove otherwise had always made her feel uneasy for her cousin's future. She had never really understood why Jack would want to tie himself to a woman he didn't love until she had a chance to know him better. Once she did, she knew that Jack had needed his relationship to Melissa even if he didn't love her. Melissa had accepted him at a time when few people did. Marrying her would have been the first step towards rebuilding a family - even if that family seemed to hate him. Jennifer knew that Jack needed family more than he was willing to let on. The Horton family was a warm and loving circle, and marrying Melissa would have at least placed him within reaching distance of that love.

Jennifer knew that he still craved it, but his self-awareness had grown to the point where he was so sure that he didn't deserve it that he was hard-pressed not to try to push it away. And it was because of that that she had had so much difficulty convincing him that he was the man for her. It had seemed so simple back then, but what she hadn't realized was that Jack had been deeply damaged by the events of his life and by his own violence. Like the way she was now, Jack had been reeling from a series of deeply traumatic events in his life and had needed a good amount of time to heal. She felt a certain amount of guilt at how she had pushed him. It's true that in the end he had responded to her efforts, but she knew that her attempts at forcing his hand by nearly marrying Emilio had put him in an awful position and she felt badly about that - both because of how she had hurt Jack, and also because of how she had hurt Emilio - a man she once thought she might have feelings for, but had ended up using as a pawn. Eve had often accused her of using men... it's possible she was right.

"Are you tired," he asked, breaking the silence.

"A little."

"You're quiet."

"And that's so unusual?"

He didn't respond, but she could feel him smiling - she just sensed it, and she gently elbowed him in the ribs.

"Hey," he protested.

"I'm sorry. Did that hurt," she asked him impishly as she turned to look at him, her green eyes sparkling with mischief.

Jack loved Jennifer. She had such a quality about her. She wore innocence like a cloak, but at the same time, there was such an incredible wildness about her. She was such a delightful paradox - not the darkly twisted one that he was, and he couldn't believe that she had chosen him of all people to be her other-half in this life.

Jennifer saw him looking down at her with an undefinable expression in his eyes. It seemed that he was trying to memorize her. Before she even knew what she was doing, she put her hand up behind his neck and pulled him down towards her.

Jack was startled by Jennifer's actions, and he imperceptibly stiffened, afraid of what she had in mind. He didn't want to end this day by causing any kind of negative reaction. Allowing her to do as she pleased, he joined her in a kiss, bracing himself for her withdrawal.

Jennifer deepened the kiss by wrapping her arms around him and pulling him closer in against her. He responded in kind, and for long moments, the two were lost in the moment -one kiss leading into another, and then another...

Jennifer melted into their kisses for a few long moments, loving the way it felt to hold him like this. That had been her biggest fear of all. After the rape, even being casually touched had made her feel almost sick to her stomach. There were a few moments where the emotions and fear of the situation had broken through that and she had kissed Jack and the passion had flared between them - but then, when she was calmer and the adrenaline wasn't streaming through her, even his hand on hers had the power to make her feel uncomfortable.

And now - they were kissing, and it felt really good. This gave her hope that maybe everything could be good again. It had to be. Because if they made love and it wasn't like it used to be - wouldn't that ruin things between them? How could you have had the magic and then lose it? It seemed unthinkable.

Jack was the one to back off first.

He looked into her eyes for a long moment.

"Maybe we should stop while we're ahead," he said awkwardly, not knowing how far she wanted to take this experiment of hers.

She wanted to pull him close again, but a slight tight sensation in her chest told her that her fears would resurface and she didn't want to do anything to hurt him.

"Maybe you're right," she said, unable to completely stop herself from looking a little disconsolate at the idea.

"What's up for tomorrow," he asked, trying to back off without belaboring the point.

"I'm ... I'm going to see Dr. Baker tomorrow."

Worry invaded his heart again. What if they talked about him? Of course they would.

"Good," he said, trying very hard to breathe normally.

"Is that okay?"

"Jennifer, it's more than okay. Do what you have to ... to feel better, I guess. No pressure there either. Just... support. Right?"

"Right."

"Because you aren't on the clock. You know that, right? I'm here till you tell me to go."

"Jack," she lovingly traced the side of his face. "I know."

"Well. Good. Good," he said moving to get up as the emotions started overwhelming him. More than anything he feared losing control of his emotions.

"What about you?"

"Tomorrow? Work... work and more work." He said as he abandoned his attempt at breaking for the night.

"You love it, don't you?"

"I do," he confessed. he remembered Kayla asking him if he was worried about the election and he thought how he had on some level been afraid of winning. The life of a politician had always seemed so daunting. Parts of it he loved, but he hated all the speeches and publicity. And now, he was doing something he absolutely loved. He owed Jennifer for that. He hadn't been kidding when he told her that originally he'd just been playing a game when he involved himself in the spectator. His main goal had been to pay Diana back for daring to cross him - and in the end, he had grown into the role he had been playing.

"Good. You should love what you do."

"Do you love it?"

"Yeah. I do. Sometimes. Mostly."

"It or me?"

"It, you silly. You, I love always."

He was brought up short by that, and he felt himself on the verge of a ridiculous emotional display again.

"That's...ah... that's good to know."

"I never stopped loving you," she insisted. "Never. I just... I lost the ability to feel things for a while. That's all."

"I ... I see that now. Looking back."

"Maybe it was like how you felt after Harper, and I couldn't see that."

"Jennifer, don't beat yourself up for that. It's okay. And I'm sure it's not the same. You were victimized - and I - "

"You were victimized too. By Harper."

"I guess it hurts to ... realize that. I still... love the memory of who he was - before I found out he was crazy."

"And that's okay too. He loved you too, Jack. He was just...so badly broken inside."

"Right."

"You didn't do this to him. It isn't your fault somehow that he was crazy. He just was."

"Likewise with Lawrence."

She nodded. "Every day I believe that more and more."

"Good."

"And we are going to make sure he pays for some of his crimes. Together. All of us."

"Yes we are."

"Are you afraid of that?" She wondered if he was afraid to face her family. "Are you afraid of Wednesday?"

"Hell yes. But... that's never a deterrent. So - onward into the fray we go, right? We need some kind of battle song."

She grinned. "Care to sing one?"

"I was sort of hoping you might cover that."

"Maybe we can just internalize the song in our hearts."

"Probably for the best."

"Are you planning on seeing Dr. Baker at all?"

"Sure. Yeah. I owe the kind Doctor some of my scintillating conversation after all... "

"Jack - you can be open with me about what you're feeling. I mean - lean on me, like I'm leaning on you."

"It's... hard for me to lean."

"I know. You were brought up all stoic," she grinned lovingly.

"No," he said seriously. "You didn't really know me ... a few years ago. I was very... needy. I was outwardly needy. I blackmailed Kayla into marrying me by playing on her emotions. I begged her, pretty much - claiming that marrying her might give me a reason to fight my illness. I was ... needy with Melissa too. I used her as... I hate metaphors and similes, right? But I used her as a port in the storm - and... when things were so hard - what with everyone loathing me, and everything... I'd basically go crying off to her, and she would do her best to try to make me feel like I was somebody worth loving. I leaned on her so hard, I'm surprised she can stand up straight."

"When did you decide to ... pull that all in?"

"When she jilted me. I promised I would never open myself up like that again. I hated her for that, but she hadn't done anything that I didn't deserve for her to do. I was making ... plans... with another woman the day of my wedding and she saw us. I humiliated her, even though for a long time all I could see was how she had humiliated me. "

"Maybe you stopped leaning on people because you were ashamed of how you had used people. Even before you could vocalize that."

"You know... you're right about Dr Baker," he said awkwardly, not wanting to take this further. "I should set something up with her."

"No pressure," she gently mirrored his earlier sentiments. "I put pressure on you in the past. But you also are no longer on the clock. Take whatever time you need. Just don't... go away. That's all I ask."

"No, Jennifer. I'm not going anywhere... like I said, until you tell me to."

"Which will be never," she said urgently.

"You don't really know that for sure," he said seriously. "And because of how I acted in the past with Kayla and Steve, I need for you to know that I would back off if you told me to. I guess before I wasn't sure. I thought you didn't want me around, but you kept telling me you did."

"Jack, I promise to be more honest," she said softly, knowing how her behavior had torn at him.

"That's very rarely a problem for you," he said. "You mostly always have been straight with me."

"You said that in Atlantic City," she said with a grin.

"When?"

"When you were drunk!"

"Oh god," he groaned. "I forgot about that. I have no idea what I said. Much of that night is a blur."

"What did you think had happened when you woke up?"

"Please... let's not even go there."

"I think I started to fall for you there," she said dreamily. "You were so cute, and when you turned down my idea of staying longer, I was really hurt."

"But I wasn't cute, Jennifer. I guess I realized that then. I don't know if you knew it, but I asked you to go with me because I was hoping something would happen between us."

"What," she asked, intrigued now. " What did you think could happen?"

"I guess - maybe I thought I might get you to see me in a romantic light."

"Well, perhaps if you wanted me to see you that way, you should have agreed to stay a little longer."

"That's the thing. The terror I felt when I woke up made me realize how much a part of me was afraid for us to get involved. I was afraid for you ... I guess I was afraid of you as well. I didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want to cause hurt. And for the first time I made the decision to listen to that voice of caution."

"Jack," she said, sad for him.

"Emilio was right. I was chasing after you. I was jealous of him and trying to upstage him. I got him that job because I wanted him out of your apartment and I hated seeing the two of you kissing in the office because of how I felt about you."

"So when you kept trying to prolong that evening that you took me to see Emilio on his first day of the job..."

"I wanted to prolong what to me had been an evening with a woman I had feelings for."

"But then you kept pushing me away. I thought you had feelings for Isabella."

"I might have - if you hadn't already been in my heart. Jennifer, I guess the more I realized who I was, the more I realized that because I loved you, I owed it to you to not tel you how I felt. I... I'm not sure exactly when I developed feelings for you - but when you were hurt in that tent collapse, I knew I cared for you deeply. I think Steve began to suspect as well, because he was down there too and he's the one who helped me get that beam off of you."

"Wow - did he say anything about it?"

"Not to me. But I wouldn't be surprised if he talked to ... to Kayla. In fact - at that party, we were definitely a cause for concern by both of our families."

"And then they all tried to make us see we should go for it if we really loved each other."

"Amazing, aren't they?"

She smiled. "Yeah."

"I never expected Steve ... or Kayla - especially her - to approve of us. I even went to see Steve after the island -- to tell him about us. I needed him to approve of us. If he couldn't do that... it would have been devastating."

"But he did?"

"Yeah. It was a hard talk to have. Steve was very closed up about the past - he didn't want to talk about it... talking about it made him very angry and I don't think he could reconcile who I was in the past and then at that moment. He needed to see me as two separate people... and I understand that. Nevertheless... Stephanie helped break the ice and we had a really good talk. I felt like he really was my brother."

"And you doubted that he knew you loved him. Your gesture in seeing him - your body language around him - those were indicators to him. I'm positive he knew."

"I guess I'm starting to believe that too."

"And if he hadn't approved of us – what would you have done?"

"I guess I'd have ... tried to convince him. I wouldn't have let his disapproval stand in our way, but it would have mattered to me. I'm still not entirely sure that Kayla approved. I think after the villa she did – I think she believed that we could make it work – but ... I mean – if I were her, I'd be coming over every day trying to figure out what you could possibly be thinking."

"Because you're you," she laughed. "You did that with Emilio and even with my involvement with the Von Leuschner mess."

"I guess," he said. " I guess I'm persistent. I've used that trait in bad ways before, Jennifer. I mean, I should warn you. Kayla wanted me out of her life – and I just wouldn't ... I wouldn't give up. I saw it as a ... as some kind of battle and I refused to surrender or lose."

"You aren't like that now. Even with Lawrence. You just wanted to get me safely out of there."

"I just hope you're right. I wish I had your faith."

"Mine is big enough for both of us. And don't sell yourself short. The fact that you were the one advocating our relationship in the last few months tells me that you do believe in us. I think we're going to be just fine in the end."

"You think?"

"I know. And You know... I never give up in anything or anyone if I believe in it or them."

"Oh yes... I know that all too well," he said in a mock-pained voice.

"Watch yourself, Mr. Deveraux," she said, leaning him to give him a brief kiss.

"I'd rather watch you instead."

He worried for a moment that he had gone too far, but her answering smile told him he had said the right thing, and for that brief moment in time, all was right in the world.


	26. Restless night

"Want to call it a night?"

"I am a little tired," she said, as she felt the weariness suddenly overtake her at the realization.

She looked at him hesitantly. She wanted to spend the night with him, but she didn't want to hurt him if she withdrew at a later date. Her emotions were so up in the air as far as intimacy was concerned - today she craved closeness, but tomorrow she might be withdrawn - and she didn't know how to handle that.

_Is this how he felt with Harper?_

She had been so angry at him about his withdrawal from her. She had yelled at him about it, telling him that she had been willing to put up with his behavior as long as she knew that they were moving forward. Now that she had her own post-traumatic issues, she was able to see that Jack hadn't intended on hurting her in those days - he was just trying to regain his sense of footing.

Now she knew what it felt like to yearn for closeness and still want to be very much alone - all at the same time. At least now people knew why she was acting so strange. The worst part was feeling pressured to act normally when she knew it was out of her reach.

"Jennifer?" He saw her looking at him and he wondered what was on her mind. "Is everything okay?"

"Uh. Yeah. Yeah." She yawned suddenly and he had to fight from smiling at the visual. She was cute when she was sleepy. He didn't think he had ever been involved with a woman that he thought of as cute, and he loved that about her. She had called him cute too - which was a word he would never have attributed to himself back a few years ago.

"Okay," he said standing up. He held out a hand to help her up, and she clasped it warmly and pulled herself up.

"Thanks."

"Any time."

They kept their hands clasped as they walked up the stairs and then he walked her to her room, not wanting to lose sight of her.

"Door to door service," she grinned.

"Only the best at Chez Deveraux."

"I'll definitely agree with that." She smiled at him before she reached up and grasped the back of his neck as she reached upwards towards him. This time he wasn't so tense about the idea as he felt them draw together for a kiss.

And what a kiss - it started out with a slow and gentle vibe before quickly morphing into something else.

They wrapped loving arms around each other as the kiss intensified, both of them getting caught up in the moment. All too soon, Jack became very much aware that he wanted far more from this encounter that he felt she was prepared to give, so he ended the kiss, gently putting some space between them.

"Whats wrong," she asked as she detected his lack of ease.

"Nothing. I just was enjoying that a bit too much," he said awkwardly. "If You - if you know what I mean?"

"Oh," she said, giving him a smile. "Should I say I'm sorry?"

"The Sirens have nothing on you, Jennifer. You alone could have led sailors to ruin."

"Sailors? Who said anything about sailors? Just what are you implying about my reputation?"

"What was it you once said? The football team? The marching band?"

"It's not fair to throw that all back at me!"

"No. I suppose not. I guess you were just trying to make a point."

"You didn't actually believe me, did you?"

"No. I mean - of course not - that's ridiculous."

"But you were surprised to find out that I'd never been with anyone?"

"You know - I thought you were tired," he said, uncomfortable now about the direction of their conversation.

"I just wanted to know how you really felt when you found out."

"You told me on purpose," he insisted. "You know you did. you were hoping for some kind of reaction."

"I - I - I most certainly ... did," she confessed. "I'm sorry. I guess I was ... being something of a tease."

"I hate that word," he said seriously. "I mean, I really do. you weren't -"

"I was trying to see what would happen if I got you to notice me that way -"

"I noticed you that way much earlier than that."

"I know."

"Yeah. I guess you did."

"I wanted you to notice me that way, Jack."

"Likewise. No matter what I ever said on the issue. But can we talk about this later? It's time to go to sleep!s"

"Okay. I'd hate to interfere with your beauty sleep."

He smiled at her, and decided not to give her any kind of smart mouthed retort. He was relieved to be able to turn away from her and go into his room. More and more he was finding her irresistible and all he wanted to do was grab her close and kiss her hard and banish the bad memories for both of them.

Jennifer closed the door to the guest room behind her, feeling very disappointed in her inability to just come out and ask Jack to spend the night with her. She was lonely without him, and the good feelings that were in her heart receded as soon as he was out of her sight.

She got ready for bed on autopilot while playing over in her mind scenarios of going over into his room and asking if she could sleep there next to him. By the time she was ready for bed, her mind was racing with the possibilities and her own fears of what might happen.

She was afraid, because she knew that on some level she didn't just want to try sleeping with him - she wanted to try more than that, and she wasn't sure if either one of them was ready for that level of experimentation. And then there was that nagging worry that she might push things too far with him - even though she was mostly sure that that wasn't possible - she just couldn't be as sure of that as she once was.

She stared longingly at her closed door, wishing she had the courage to open it and take those few steps across the hall - but she didn't. After a long while of standing there debating what she should do, she fretfully climbed into the bed and tried to let sleep come.

A long while later, she opened her eyes and looked around the room. She couldn't even be sure if she had slept, but it was clear that time had passed. She got up and changed out of her current nightdress into the gown she had worn at that cabin the time he had kidnapped her from her wedding. She had never meant that gown to be for Emilio - whenever she had worn it and modeled it in the mirror - she could only imagine the look that would appear in Jack's eyes when he saw her in it.

It was because of that that she had worn it for him at the cabin. She had needed to see that look - even if she knew that she was fighting a losing battle. And yet, nothing could have prepared her for the reality of that moment. Jack had been as close to losing his objections as he ever had been. It seemed to her for a moment that he had completely gotten lost in his feelings for her and had even seemed to lose the power of speech. Having later seen Jack in a much deeper level of passion, she now knew that he had been a hairs-breadth from giving in to her. If she had actually come over and kissed him - he would have been hers.

Something inside her had actually held her back from doing that. Maybe she knew that it had been the wrong time for them - that she owed it to Emilio to refrain until ending things with him - she owed it to herself to not have to basically force Jack into something he emotionally wasn't ready to do. She also knew that explaining their relationship to friends and family would have been a lot more difficult if they had finally gotten together at that particular moment in time because Jack had disrupted her wedding and that was sure to have been a source of great annoyance, if not concern, to her family.

But now - there was nothing standing in the way between using this gown in the way it had been intended except her own stupid fears, and Jennifer was determined to try to face them down. Being with Jack had been wonderful . Even that first time, in the cave - with her leg seriously wounded, their coming together had been incredible, and she believed it would be that way again - if she could just get beyond that strange aversion to physical contact that sometimes hit her at the worst possible moments.

She took a deep bracing breath and then she opened the door and stepped out into the dark hallway. She walked purposefully over to his door and stood there - again, paralyzed for a long moment as she tried to imagine whether or not she could go through with this. She put her hand on the doorknob and turned it, pushing the door open almost forcefully.

She walked in. jack was deeply asleep. He was wearing those dark grey silk pajamas that she found irresistible. How could he look so amazing in almost everything he wore was something that would always elude her understanding. He was too beautiful to be real. How could Kayla have looked at him and not loved him? It made no sense to her, even though she knew that Kayla's love for Steve was so much like her love for Jack.

In sleep, he was incredibly beautiful and she could stand there and watch him all night. She remembered waking up at that cabin to his hand caressing her hair. She knew that he loved her from that caress - and now she understood the impulse. Had she appeared as beautiful to him as she lay sleeping - sleeping in the same gown she was now wearing?

She held her breath. This was it - the big moment, and she wasn't sure now that she was faced with it that she could take this next step.

"Jack," she said, almost too quietly to be heard. She was half afraid of him waking up and moving this plan of hers onward.

"What? What?" He woke up with a start, sitting up -and then he stared at her in front of him in deep sleep-induced confusion. "What? What - is something wrong? Did something happen?"

"I missed you," she said. "I thought I'd fix the problem by coming in here. Is that okay?"

She saw him swallow in confusion and nervousness as he took in her attire.

"Uh - sure. Sure. It's fine. It's okay."

"So - I can sleep in here?"

"Yeah. Yeah. No problem. Here let me fix the bed up for you -"

He stood up awkwardly and began to pull out the covers so both sides of the bed were easy to get into.

"Do you recognize my nightgown?"

He looked back at her and nodded.

"You - you wore that at the cabin."

"Yes. I - I bought it for you, you know. Not him. I don't think I could have worn it for him."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Oh. Well - it's … beautiful. And so are you."

"Thanks," she said shyly.

She stepped in closer to him and put her hand on his chest.

He took the hint and leaned down to kiss her. Warmth flooded through her limbs at the sensation and she gave herself up to the moment, leaning into him as she wrapped her arms around him. He wrapped his arms around her and they continued to kiss.

"Are you sorry I woke you," she asked him when they broke apart momentarily.

"Not even in the slightest," he said, smiling at her. "I wouldn't have missed this for anything."

She moved over to her side of the bed and climbed in. She watched him expectantly and he did the same thing.

His nervousness seemed to be abating, even though hers was still present, and she turned her body towards his.

He pulled her close, moving slowly in order to give her a chance to back off. When she didn't, he kissed her again, and once again, she got lost in the mindless pleasure of the moment. They went on like this for long moments - each kiss better than the preceding one, as they got caught up in the passion of the moment. And then Jack shifted their positions so he was pushing her slightly down onto the bed as his own need for her began to build up into a more insistent kind of awareness.

"Jennifer," he groaned against her lips as he began to move his hands in a far more intimate fashion on her body.

She began to feel the first trickle of discomfort and tried to push it out of her mind. She could do this! She didn't want to feel anything but good things - there was no place for bad feelings in what was going on.

"Jack," she responded with a sigh, hoping to throw him off the trail of her withdrawal. If she rode this out a few more minutes perhaps that feeling wold go away and the good feelings would return.

He groaned again in that wonderful way he had of showing her with that sound that his need for her was so very much a part of him.

But this time the sound frightened her - it brought back memories vivid and jagged of another man pushing her down, and his weight on hers was suddenly very much an unwelcome sensation. She pushed at him gently, trying not to shock him with her withdrawal. He had to know that it wasn't his fault she was pulling away.

But he wouldn't stop. He kept on kissing her like nothing was happening, and she had to push harder.

"Jack," she gasped. "We have to stop!"

He looked at her, processing her words, and she wasn't sure if he actually heard what she had said.

"Jennifer," he said, his voice seductive and persuasive. "Just give it time. Just give it a chance. Give me a chance to show you that we haven't lost what we had."

"Jack - I don't think that's going to work," she said, fretting at his lack of withdrawal. She felt very uncomfortable and worried by present circumstances. She very much wanted to go back to her room.

"Jennifer, do you know how long it's been," he asked her, his voice still soft. "It's been months. The last time we made love was in New York at Lawrence's embassy. It's been months."

"I know."

"And... I know you weren't ready - but - then you come in here dressed like that... you had to know that this gown ... you have to know how provocative it is. you came in here like this - you obviously wanted this to happen when you came in here."

"Jack, I'm sorry - I thought I could - and now I can't. And I"m sorry."

"Are you absolutely sure?" He kissed her again, as if trying to persuade her otherwise. "You know it can be amazing between us. you know that."

"Jack, please, I'm getting -"

"You're getting to be a real pain," he said in frustration as he released his hold on her. "You say one thing, you do another. I don't like to be teased."

"You - you said you hated that word."

"Well, if it fits...:"

"Jack, I'm not -"

"Thats what Kayla did. you know. She kept sending mixed signals."

"What," she asked him, horrified he would bring her up in that way. "Are you comparing me to Kayla?"

"Maybe you did provoke Lawrence," he shot back angrily. "Maybe you left out some key facts when you told me what happened."

"What?" She got up out of bed and stalked over to the door. "I can't believe you're saying this to me - you know how I feel about all of this - you know I blame myself -"

He grabbed her arm. "Maybe that's because did something really stupid," he said. "I knew you were going to screw this up!"

"No! No - I - "

"Jennifer. I won't wait forever. you understand that? I won't."

"What do you mean by that."

"You know exactly what I mean. I have needs too. And if I can't have a normal relationship with you - I can always go to the Mid Town motel!"

"You wouldn't dare -"

"Jennifer! Wake up!"

"What? Wha -?" She opened her eyes and was shocked to find herself in Jack's room, next to him in bed. He was holding onto her as he gently shook her to wake her up.

"What? What's going on?"

"I didn't even know you were in here," he said. "But you started having a nightmare and I woke up."

"Oh - oh - I'm sorry -"

"Come on - you don't have to be sorry," he said. "I was just worried about you. Are you okay?"

She looked at him intently for a long moment. Had her entire encounter with him been a dream? She looked down at herself and saw she was wearing her standard nightwear and not the gown she had believed herself to have put on for him. It had all been a dream, but it seemed so real, and right now, she was hard pressed not to get up and go to her room - angry and injured by words and deeds never said nor uttered by this man sitting worriedly at her side.

"I'm fine," she said, hoping he wouldn't press.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Yeah. Just... just a bad dream. That's all."

"About Lawrence?"

She looked at him intently again, trying to see if he knew that she had actually been dreaming about him, but he honestly seemed to think otherwise.

"Yeah," she lied, not looking him in the eye. It was impossible to lie to him lying so close to him. "Yeah. It was about Lawrence."

"I'm sorry. That's really rough."

"It's okay. I'm sorry - I didn't even know I'd come in here," she said. "I must have been walking in my sleep?"

"Yeah. I guess so. But that's okay. I mean - it's not a problem at all - if you feel safer here, then it's fine with me."

Safer. Did she feel safer here in the wake of her dream, and if not, how could she possibly stay? How could she not stay now that she was here without hurting his feelings.

"Jack," she said, closing her eyes against the pain of what she was going to say. "I actually was dreaming about you and me."

He froze at that, and she felt his intense desire to withdraw from her side.

"Nothing horrible," she said, trying to soothe his soul. "Just - we were having a fight. you said some things which really reflected things I feel about the situation... about it being my fault that I got myself into the situation in the first place - and I couldn't believe you were saying those things to me. I'm sorry,because you never have said anything to me since finding out that indicates that you blame me."

"I don't. I don't think it's your fault. I wish you didn't think so, but I know you have to get there on your own."

She nodded. "Therapy. But... I'm sorry. I had this awful dream... and ... it... it kind of raised up some issues for me. Jack," she began, not looking him in th e eyes as she fiddled with the bedclothes. "You... you wouldn't go - elsewhere - for - for comfort, would you?"

"I don't know what you're asking, Jennifer."

"Sex. you wouldn't go elsewhere - you know - like you did when you were married to Kayla."

He had to fight from recoiling. His entire marriage to Kayla was so horrible to him that he hated even thinking about it in conjunction to what he now had with Jennifer. The idea that she thought he might solicit the services of a prostitute during this particular time in their lives made him ill, but he understood why she thought it possible. He had done so before, why wouldn't he now.

"Not in a million years," he said emphatically.

"You don't know how long it will be -"

"You've got a million years. After that, we'll talk. Okay?"

"Jack, be serious."

"I am serious. you said it yourself. I've changed. The idea of doing that is repulsive."

"I'm sorry. I hurt your feelings, didn't I?"

"Not even a small bit. Was that part of your dream?"

"Kind of."

"I was pressuring you then, in your dream," he asked perceptively.

"I'm sorry."

"Jennifer. you can't control your dreams. Let me tell you, I've had some incredibly bad ones myself. I know that they are out of your control."

"You've had bad dreams recently?"

"Sure. Like I wake up thinking that I'm choking on dirt, because we can't get out of the tunnels and those rocks keep pouring down. It's horrible. I wake up coughing and then realize it's just a stupid nightmare. Or I'm there, on the docks and I see Steve heading to that boat, and I keep calling out to him to stop, but he won't believe me. Sometimes I have nightmares about harper. About the way he died, or sometimes I have nightmares about Kayla... mostly just reliving my past . I don't want these images. But they come anyway."

"What about since ... the cabin?"

He was silent.

"You have. you've had nightmares about me."

"Yes. But nothing I want to talk about," he said, remembering how he had snapped at her on the island about this very thing. He hoped this time she wouldn't press.

She nodded. "I get that," she said, not wanting to tell him the full gory details of her dream either.

"I guess we both have an earful to give the good doctor."

"I guess. I guess it's good we aren't doing joint counseling right now."

"Right now? Don't tell me you want us to do that in the future."

"What if Whitney suggests it?"

"I suppose... I just hope she doesn't."

"if she does?"

"How about we face that hurdle if and when it happens. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Do you want to go back to your room? Get a few more hours sleep?"

"Do you mind if I stay here?"

"Jennifer, you are more than welcome here. I understand though if you don't feel comfortable -"

"I do, Jack. I really do."

"All right. Just don't snore."

"I don't snore."

"Well, you hog the blankets."

She grinned. "Yeah. I guess I do."

He got up and turned off the light feeling immeasurably happy that she was comfortable enough to spend the night with him even after her bad dream. He gingerly climbed back into bed, trying to avoid touching her, when she moved in close against him and whispered sleepily for him to have sweet dreams.


	27. Jennifer and WHitney

Jennifer sat uncomfortably in Whitney Baker's office. Although there was so much she wanted to talk about and work through, she found herself unable to get the conversation going.

"How are you doing, Jennifer," asked Whitney kindly, trying to give Jennifer an opening.

"I'm doing well," Jennifer said politely. "better than before, I guess. I've been dealing with this problem alone for quite some time. I even called you here on Christmas... but – I wasn't really ready to come out with it. I'm sorry. For bothering you with it -"

"It's no problem at all," said Whitney kindly. "You needed to come out with it when you were ready to do so."

"I caused so many problems by keeping silent," Jennifer responded fretfully. "I mean – I – I hurt Jack so much. I mean – you saw what he was like."

Whitney schooled her features to remain noncommittal. She couldn't discuss Jack's therapy with Jennifer or Jennifer's with Jack.

"You weren't ready yet. And that's okay, Jennifer. It's not uncommon at all for a victim of rape to have trouble telling people about it."

Jennifer nodded, grateful for the affirmation.

"I ... I didn't actually tell him, either. Isabella did. She's a friend of ours. And she's the one who figured it out after talking to Jack. I guess I'm glad he trusted her enough to confide in her – he was drunk – and... I guess he was more in a mood to spill his guts. Usually it's like pulling teeth to get him to share what's bothering him."

"Does it bother you that he opened up to another woman?"

"Isabella? No. No. Not at all. I trust her. I really do. She's the one who kept trying to get me to see that he was in love with me – without her, I may never have had the courage to really believe that. No – I trust her completely and I'm glad she was able to tell him what I wasn't able to share. I guess if he were sharing with her other stuff – maybe about how he felt about Steve or his mother – I might feel a little envious – but in this case ... she did me a huge favor. I'm so glad she happened to see him in that bar."

"How do you feel about his knowing?"

"Relieved, because it worked out okay," she admitted. "If it hadn't, perhaps I'd be angry or regretful. But it did... so – it's like having my best friend back. And all that guilt I felt about making him feel like I thought of him as dangerous – that's gone – for the most part – because he knows where it came from."

"For the most part?"

"Well... there's **some **guilt ... still."

"Why?"

"Probably because of the way he reacted. He was so ... devastated. I hurt him deeply."

"He must have hurt you too – ending your relationship... do you still feel hurt from that?"

"It hurts to remember it, but I also know that he's here now... and that kind of takes away the sting."

"But you think he still feels hurt by your behavior?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I knew he was wrong about what was wrong with me – whereas – Jack really is – a man who committed rape."

"And do you have problems with that?"

She shook her head.

"I – I don't know. "

"You knew about his past when you started to work with him."

"Yes."

"Did it bother you back then?"

"Very much so. Not just his past with Kayla – but also with my cousin Melissa – and then, my brother and father and uncle. Jack went after my family after Melissa jilted him at the altar. He tried to destroy their careers."

"Were you glad that Melissa chose to back out of the marriage?"

"Very much so. I was afraid that he would hurt her. I was afraid I'd lose her if she married him because I thought he was dangerous. I wouldn't have felt comfortable visiting with them. Kayla's a friend of mine – and I believed her when she said he had raped her."

"So why did you work for him?"

"I ... initially when I accepted the internship, I had no idea he co-owned the paper. And when I walked in and saw him in Diana's office, I wanted to leave."

"Why didn't you?"

"He managed to convince me to tell him my story idea."

"So you came in, wanting to leave, but he changed your mind?"

"No. I still wanted to get out of there. He was very intimidating. But I stood my ground anyway and pitched my story idea. I felt like he was daring me to do it."

"What do you mean by intimidating?"

"He was trying to make me feel uncomfortable."

"Did you feel physically endangered?"

"I suppose a little. I didn't like being alone with him."

"In the following weeks – you probably got to know him better?"

"Well, not really right away. He was a jerk most of the time, but the one thing he did do was help me to make my stories much better. I don't think Jack himself realized how good he was at journalism, and I think my working for him forced him to take his new job seriously. Initially he was in it just to annoy and silence Diana."

"When did you start liking him?"

"It's hard to say exactly. At first, I didn't. I thought he was a jerk with an attitude problem. He was rude about my relationship with Emilio – he kept telling me Emilio was a loser and a deadbeat, and I thought who was he to talk? And then it seemed he was trying to get information from me about Mike and Kayla's high school romance so he could cause problems between Steve and Kayla and I thought that was really creepy and disturbing."

"Did you think he was opposed to Emilio out of jealousy? "

"Not at first. I don't think he thought of me like that in the beginning."

"Do you think he was attracted to you?"

"Maybe. But I don't think he took it seriously."

"So what changed?"

"I guess... there were moments where he couldn't hide behind his jerky behavior all the time. I mean – I'd catch him at being human and when I did, I was intrigued. I was also a little worried about that because I remember Melissa fiercely defending him as having feelings, and having a heart and being misunderstood – that sort of thing."

"So you felt he was playing you?"

"I was cautious about it."

"And then what happened?"

"He seemed more and more interested in my relationship with Emilio, and then I started to get the distinct feeling he was jealous. And... I liked that he was jealous. Looking back, I have to admit that. I was glad that he was jealous. And then, Hannah came into our lives."

"Tell me about Hannah."

"She's a baby. I wanted to help her mother out by fostering her while her mother served a three year jail term. I felt horribly about this sweet newborn being raised in an orphanage where there was an overcrowding problem. Jack and I crossed swords a lot about whether Hannah should be raised by her mother in jail, or whether she should go into foster care. I kept wanting him to write editorials in favor of Hannah being with her mother, but this raised a lot of issues for him with his own mother. It took me a little while to see that, but once I did... I guess, I started seeing more of who he really was, underneath it all. I was more drawn to him when I realized where his objections lay. So much so, that I even consented to pretend to be his wife so we could foster the baby together."

"Who's idea was that?"

"His. He came up with it after I was injured when that revival tent collapsed. I was there on a story that he insisted I cover, and then I found out later that he had been the one to remove the beam that had fallen on me. My grandma told me that he had been frantic with worry when he found out I'd been hurt. He even visited me in the hospital and brought me some beautiful roses... "

"Did you think he had feelings for you?"

"I wondered. And... again, I wasn't too unhappy with that idea. "

"What did you think when he proposed this fake marriage?"

"Well... it was the strangest idea I'd ever heard. And I was worried and suspicious about it. I mean – I still didn't really trust him 100."

"Did you feel like he posed a physical threat?"

"I wasn't exactly sure. The idea of pretending to be his wife did raise up a lot of cautionary flags. And I told him rather bluntly that I didn't exactly trust him. His reaction... well, it ... it told me a lot."

"How did he react?"

"He pretty much agreed with me. But it was clear I'd hurt him, and I felt bad. I guess I started to believe then that he really had changed."

"So what happened then?"

"The foster agency denied our application because of his past. This was really painful for him, and he tried retreating into that weird jerk facade he kept trying to wear, and I guess I kind of saw through it. I began to really believe that he regretted his actions, and that's when I started trusting that he would never hurt anyone the way he had once done so. At least not the way he'd hurt Kayla."

"So you stopped thinking about him as a rapist."

"Exactly. I did end up getting to foster Hannah, and Jack was really helpful, even if he thought it was a bad idea. He even helped me taking care of her, and watching him with Hannah was pretty incredible. He'll make a fantastic father someday, even if he doesn't think so."

"Did you start thinking of him romantically at this point?"

"I think so. But I refused to admit it to myself. I mean - my family would never have accepted him back then."

"When did you realize you loved him?"

"By the time Isabella came into his life. I was so jealous and hurt by his involvement with her. I knew I loved him and I couldn't imagine ever loving anyone else. It was so intense, it hurt. At this point in our relationship, Jack was clearly becoming a man who could take responsibility for his actions. I couldn't help but love that man. I think I began to maybe have feelings for him in Atlantic City now that I think about it."

"Atlantic City?"

"A journalism convention. He admitted later that he'd invited me along because he hoped something might start up between us... but although I suspected his motives were less than pure, I didn't feel threatened by him. In fact, we had a lot of fun together, and I didn't want the trip to end. He was the one who cut it short – I think because he started to believe he was bad for me."

"And so the more self-aware he became, the more he pushed you away?"

"Exactly. And that was really painful. It hurt to love him so much, and to have him tell me that there was nothing but business between us. He meant everything to me at this point, and I couldn't believe he didn't share those feelings because sometimes I could see it in his eyes – that he loved me – and he just kept trying to deny that."

"Because of his past?"

"Definitely. He kept telling me that Emilio wasn't the right man, and when I begged him to tell me who was, he always backed away. It took nearly dying in a shipwreck to break him free of that. And even then – he was still afraid. I thought I had broken through his objections on the ship, but after the shipwreck, he was all guarded again. It took a lot of determination for me to break through again. He knew I was inexperienced," she said, flushing in embarrassment. "I think that made me even more unattainable in his eyes. "

"But you go through all that."

"Yes. And... for a short while – it seemed like we were happy. As scary as the island was, we had some really happy times together. He was open with me, and loving... and honest. But he had a nightmare on the island and it really freaked him out, and when I asked him to talk about it, he began to retreat. Once we got home, I guess I felt like things had changed and I wasn't so sure about whether we had something that would be long term. It hurt to even contemplate that. I needed him so much in my life, and I wasn't sure that ... that I could fight for us much longer. Things took a huge turn for the worse when the accident with Harper happened, and after that... I could feel him pulling away."

"He broke up with you?"

"Not right away. But ... he kind of had this emotional breakdown – and he told me he was a rapist and that nothing I could do would ever change that. It was heart-breaking, because I knew he really felt that way about himself. That he was a rapist, and now a killer."

"The fact that he did kill Harper – that never worried you – you never thought maybe it was intentional?"

"No. And the police didn't either."

"But you knew."

"Yes. I knew. Even if Jack labeled himself a killer, I knew then and I know now that it was an accident."

"You reconciled at some point, though. Before you married Lawrence?"

"Yes. He finally opened up to me and told me he loved me, and told me he wanted us to be back together. I finally forgave him, and we did reconcile – but then Steve died, Lawrence kidnapped me, and it all fell apart. The really horrible thing through all of that was that Jack finally was reaching out to me. Since coming home, he's been trying to make me feel like he wanted a future with me – like he wanted a permanent future – and I was the one pushing him away. It hurt so much to do it, because it was something I had fought for all this time, and I knew that if I pushed him away – I'd lose him."

"But you couldn't be with him. Not after what Lawrence did. You needed time."

"I needed time."

"Did you still think of Jack as you did before, or did his past behavior bother you?"

"His past was very much on my mind. After... after the rape – I had this horrible nightmare where I was talking to Jack and he kept turning into Lawrence. And ... when we got home – his jealousy of my relationship with Frankie really scared me."

"Were you scared of him? Or of losing him?"

She hesitated a long time, unwilling to say it out loud. And then she gave in.

"Both."

"You felt physically endangered?"

"At times. When he was obviously jealous and angry. But... a lot of that I think is because of the rape itself – I mean, even if he hadn't had a violent past – those emotions might have been frightening."

"Did you feel comfortable being alone with him?"

"Not when he was angry. He seemed menacing when he was angry. On New Years... he found out I'd lied about having to work that night as an excuse not to go away with him, and he was really really angry. I didn't want to be alone with him when he was that angry."

"Did you think he was capable of committing the same kind of -"

"No. But I was still afraid of his anger."

"You said he was menacing. Did he threaten you in any way?"

"No. No – he was just angry. He kept trying to control it. I could see that. But all I could do was remember that he had lost control once before – and ... I couldn't forget that."

"On new years – what did you say to him when he confronted you about your lie?"

She shook her head.

"That was pretty bad. We were back at the loft, and he kept accusing me of lying to him and then he snapped completely and started shaking me and yelling at me to stop lying to him. I kind of freaked out on him and I think that made him realize he had let things get too far. He left soon after that, but both of us were pretty unnerved."

"Were you glad to see him go?"

"I didn't want to lose him. I was terrified of that, but ... yes – I didn't want to be alone with him either."

"So then what happened?"

"We ended up going away together soon after that. He was the one pushing the idea and I guess I thought maybe it would be okay. Unfortunately ... that's when... when it happened."

"What happened?"

"When we got there, he kept trying to reach out to me, and I ... I couldn't even look at him. It was obvious he wanted to know what was wrong with us, and I couldn't even admit we had a problem. And then – he kissed me – I guess he was trying to remind me of what we had together, and I flipped out. I slapped him," she said, her voice a whisper now. "I slapped him and called him a rapist." She paused a long moment and then shook her head. "It was horrible. He was so angry. He was so incredibly angry."

"Did you feel threatened then?"

"His anger was ... heartbreaking. But not frightening. I was terrified of losing him."

"So what did you do?"

"I begged him to understand that I wasn't talking about him, but he didn't believe me. He couldn't see past my words because of his own actions with Kayla. He refused to believe that I was telling him the truth."

"And were you?"

"I _was_ talking about Lawrence," she insisted fretfully.

Whitney looked at her calmly.

"I have no doubt in my mind that you were. But the question is – were you _only_ talking about Lawrence. Are you sure about that?"

She began to feel the tension squeeze her lungs and her labored breathing started up again.

"I... " she shook her head. "I don't think of Jack that way."

"What way?

"That way," she said insistently. "That other thing."

"Jennifer, what other thing?"

"I don't think of him as a rapist!"

Whitney was quiet. She had started the flood, and now she just had to wait for it to abate.

"I don't. I don't! I mean – with me... he's always been so loving and generous. He was the opposite of everything Lawrence was."

"Okay."

"I... I ... It wouldn't be right – if... if I thought of him like that - "

"Jennifer, forget about right and wrong. Did you feel that way? Did you feel as if he could hurt you like that?"

"Yes," she cried out after a long agitated pause. "Yes, I did!"

"Okay. Would you like to talk about that?"

She took a deep breath trying to gain some calm in this storm.

"His last words to me were 'Okay – if that's the way you want it - ' and then... I thought he was going to go get the car – but instead... he just grabbed me- I mean – he grabbed me hard – and... and he was kissing me forcibly – and his hold on me was painful. He grabbed me, and he began to kiss me - "

"It was frightening. You thought it was the precursor to an attack?"

"He - he said it – 'if that's the way you want it' and then, I suddenly thought that I had been horribly wrong about what he meant by that – that... I mean – I flashed back immediately to Lawrence and that took over, but before it did – I was – I was afraid. I was afraid of his intentions – of what he was doing..."

"And that's a reasonable thing for you to have thought, Jennifer."

"But - Jack was my only lover, and – he... was wonderful each and every time we were together. He never had pressured me - and then... then – this was happening – and how could I ever think he could do that? How could I – how could I betray him like that? He had always been so good to me."

"He wasn't a monster when he married Kayla either. He was good to her, right? I mean , I saw it – when she was in the hospital, when she was sick – I saw the way he treated her. He was very sweet to her."

She hung her head.

"I know. I saw it too. I remember thinking how lucky she was."

"And then -"

"He turned into something horrible. Desperation – fear – it drove him to be something horrible."

"Right."

"And then... I – I – I... I guess I thought it might happen again -that he might – might be capable of it again. Oh god – I never let myself see that before. I never let myself... I never admitted that before. I was afraid of what he could do – I was afraid he could act that way again!"

"And this was the first time you had ever believed that he could do that to you? Since you started trusting him?"

"Before Lawrence – I was so blithe about his past. I defended him vociferously to anyone who cast aspersions on his character... including Jack himself! But I was so naive – with Lawrence – I was such a fool, and after I found out just how much of an idiot I'd been, I realized ... that I could have been naive as far as Jack was concerned. That – his capacity for violence could still exist and could still be drawn out. I mean – where does that kind of thing go? Jack always said he was the same person – and I thought - maybe he was right. It didn't help that he was so jealous about Frankie. He was really jealous and he was really angry when he found out about Frankie moving in. I could feel it – his anger... and I felt like he was barely in control. He's never ever been that angry at me – and ... I didn't know how to deal with it. Jack had been angry at me on many occasions for putting myself in danger, but he'd never been angry because of jealousy – and that was something scary – because I couldn't help but relate it to what had gone on in his past."

"You're trying so hard not to hurt him. You're trying so hard to be strong because that's what you do. You don't want this to hurt him. But it's hurt you deeply and – it's brought up things about Jack that you haven't felt in a long time, and you feel like you're betraying him."

"Right."

"But your feelings are valid, Jennifer. Because they are your feelings. Just like his anger at Kayla and Steve was valid to him, or his anger at you when he thought you were lying. It's okay to have these feelings because what else can you do? You can't stop yourself from having them."

"I just don't know what to do now. I mean – I love him. I know I do, and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I can't stop thinking about his past. I can't stop wondering about it, and wondering how he could have ever done what he had done."

"Do you still think him capable of it?"

"No. The way I felt at the cabin ... that's gone now. I stopped feeling that way the moment I slapped him – the moment I saw how horrified he was by what I had said and done. "

"But..."

"But I can't separate the man he was from the man he is anymore. I used to do that. Compartmentalize him. And I can't anymore. I keep feeling more and more that I need to talk to him about it... and the thought of talking to him about it is terrifying – to me... and I'm sure to him."

"Jennifer, if you need to talk to him about it, then you need to talk to him about it."

"I was afraid you were going to say that."


	28. Jack and Whitney

"Look, Doctor. Let's not even bother with the formalities of my telling you what's going on. Obviously you know, and I think it's just a waste of time for me to repeat the facts," he said firmly, as he collapsed down into the chair.

Whitney looked at him evenly for a moment.

"This is your time, Jack. You can talk about whatever you want."

"Right."

"So - what do you want to talk about?"

"Jennifer," he said without hesitation. "As always."

"Okay."

He looked down for a moment, trying to think of how he could word things. He hated this kind of sharing. It felt all awkward and wrong to him, but usually as he went through the hour, he found himself feeling better about talking to her, and he usually left the session feeling better about life in general. But now – he wasn't sure. There were so many problems and so few solutions that he felt certain that this time even Whitney couldn't help with what ailed him.

"Jennifer was victimized in the exact same way I victimized Kayla," he said, looking at the arm of her chair. "And if you want to know how that makes me feel – the answer is really lousy."

"That's good, Jack. Good honesty."

"Jennifer was _raped._ And it was all my fault. No matter how I look at this... It was my fault."

"Why was it your fault?"

"She wouldn't have gone on this crazy dangerous caper if it weren't for my idiotic behavior. I pushed her away so callously after Harper's death and ... and Jennifer naturally took it to mean that we were over. She would not have been able to fake being Katarina Von Leuschner if we hadn't ever broken up."

"So it's your fault for breaking up with her."

"Absolutely!"

"What about her? Did you warn her about the fact that you thought her 'caper' was dangerous?"

"Yes. Many times over. She was too angry to give my warnings any credence. She thought I was jealous – both professionally as well as personally."

"And were you?"

"At first... there was some amount of professional rivalry – and yes, personally – it bothered me that she was doing this – but once I met the guy – I could just feel it – he was dangerous – and crossing him was very foolish."

"So Jennifer was foolish."

"Her actions were foolish. Yes."

"And you warned her?"

"Yes."

"Does it make you angry that you warned her and she ignored you and then all this happened? I mean – you almost died as the result of this caper. A caper you tried to get her to abandon."

"There's no way Jennifer could have predicted any of this happening."

'But you knew he was dangerous. And you told her."

"Jennifer had the right to ignore my warning. I mean – I didn't exactly heed hers when I was involved with Isabella Toscano's secret. And Jennifer and I nearly died as the result of that."

"So you don't blame her. But you blame yourself."

"Yes."

"Jennifer is a grown woman capable of making her own decisions. She chose to involve herself in this scheme in order to help her friend. And yet you feel it's your fault."

"Sounds chauvinistic?"

"Perhaps. What do you think?"

"It's different. She really was trying to punish me on some level, Doctor. I could see in her eyes."

"So doesn't that make you angry?"

"No. I hurt her deeply."

"So she had the right to lash out at you?"

"You mean like I did with Steve and Kayla? No. But – she was hurt, and her actions made sense. Carly came to town at the right time. She was looking for a way to not only further her career- but also to get over the pain I'd caused her. This provided a good distraction. And why should she believe me? Just because I say he's dangerous? I thought Steve was dangerous and look how wrong i was."

"So you aren't angry at her at all?"

"No."

"It's all your fault?"

"She wouldn't have been hurt if it weren't for me. Which is so ironic since I broke up with her to prevent myself from hurting her. I mean – I... I really thought I could hurt her."

"After Harper."

"I pushed a man out a window."

"But you didn't mean to."

"No. But in the heat of the moment – I stopped thinking and just reacted. Just like before. And a man died for it."

"Just like with Kayla?"

"Yes. And then – afterwards – with Steve. I don't think when I'm agitated. I just react. I mean – I ... I could have pushed Jennifer out that same stupid window. She found me up there days after Harper's death and kept trying to get me to believe that what happened didn't matter. I snapped, I got really angry and I started shaking her. Hard. I could have accidentally pushed her out that window – but I stopped thinking. It's not the first time I've done that, Doctor. Not even the second or third. Maybe not with her – but with Kayla. There was one time when I was hurt – when she helped me out – and we started talking about the past and I got really angry – the next thing I knew, I was holding her arm... really hard... and basically forcing her to stand there listening to me vent all my anger her way. God – I had no right – and there I was making things even worse – and this is after she helped me when I was hurt! I have a violent temper. I react. And... that scares me. Because my biological father was like that... and my mother said he wasn't violent when they first married."

"I know. But you've shown yourself to be well capable of holding in your anger when the situation demands it. You should try to think of the times you've been provoked recently and go over your reactions. You might be surprised to find that you've been holding it together pretty well."

"What do you mean?"

"I've seen you with Lawrence. And he does goad you. I've seen that. You haven't taken the bait."

"It's only a matter of time," he sighed.

"So you feel like a time bomb?"

"He raped Jennifer. When I look at him, I get so angry."

"Tell me something. Do you blame your brother for what you did?"

"No."

"He pushed Kayla away – for your sake and for hers. He thought she'd be better off with you. Isn't it partially his fault what happened? He didn't have to keep hanging around and being so involved with her – he didn't have to start having an affair with her."

"Perhaps it wasn't... the wisest of moves on their part, but they loved each other desperately. It was intolerable for them to be apart. I understand that now."

"But you were provoked by all that. You didn't know his motives."

"But I didn't have to act the way I did when I found out. I had the right to be angry. Maybe even vengeful. But to resort to violence? That was highly uncalled for."

"And yet you blame yourself for Jennifer's rape."

"It's different," he sighed. "I know you want me to see it as the same, but it isn't. When I broke up with Jennifer... I knew what I was doing – I was hurting a woman who had put all her faith and trust that I wouldn't stomp all over her heart. Look. Doctor. I was her first lover. I don't know if she told you that, but I think it's important here. Our relationship meant everything to her – she would NEVER have entered into that kind of relationship with me if she didn't really love me. I knew that, and I still did what I did – I broke up with her with a note – a callous note that didn't have a single word of love in it. With Steve, he at least was motivated by trying to save my life. He couldn't bear the idea of his baby brother dying – feeling an unrequited love for the woman he loved. I was a coward. I couldn't be with Jennifer because **I** was afraid. Steve's behavior was... well, misguided, but pretty noble when you think about it."

"Did you think it was noble at the time?"

"No. When I found out who I was... I was furious with him. I won't lie to you. I blamed both of them for a long time for what I did. A long time. Even when Jennifer came into my life – I still blamed them. I think it was falling in love with her and really feeling a selfless need to protect her... I think that's when i started to really understand both of their actions."

"What do you think Steve would say to you about this? Do you think he would blame you."

"Steve... wouldn't be able to talk to me about it. Whenever I brought it up, he got angry."

"What about Kayla? Does she blame you for what happened to Jennifer?"

"I don't think so."

"Doesn't that tell you anything?"

"Just because others don't – doesn't mean I don't."

"Do you blame Lawrence at all?"

"Of course. I'm not saying my actions or Jennifer's caused her to deserve what he did – because we did anger Lawrence by playing him for a fool and for ... well – for making love at the embassy... we were toying with his life – I can see that... regardless of our motive, from his point of view – we were deliberate obstacles in his quest to regain Katarina's love and her fortune. But that didn't give him the right to react the way he did. Just like ... it didn't give me that right."

"Do you think the man you were a few years ago would have felt that way about what Lawrence did? Or would you have seen his side?"

"Ah. Yes. I... I've thought of that... and the answer is – I don't know. It's possible I might have blamed her."

"What about the man you were when you first started working with her. Back when you still blamed Steve and Kayla for some of it?"

"Knowing her, would I have blamed her? It's hard to imagine. I felt really protective of her fairly early on. I ... I think I would have separated the two in my mind. I would have seen it as different."

"And now?"

"It's all the same."

"How did you feel about rape before your marriage to Kayla?"

"I never thought it was ... anything but a crime. But I never gave it much thought. I knew that no meant no."

"Did you hear 'no' often?"

"No. Not really. Not until Kayla."

"Why?"

"Because I was wealthy. And influential. And my father was a US Senator – and..."

"So women threw themselves at you?"

"I ... I didn't have trouble in the dating area."

"No. A wealthy and handsome man with a great deal of charisma wouldn't have had those troubles – so Kayla's ... platonic treatment must have seemed bizarre."

"In Hawaii – she was more flirtatious, I suppose, but ... I felt far more for her than I felt coming back from her. To her, I was a harmless diversion."

"Were you lovers?"

"No."

"Did you ever try to become lovers?"

"No. We didn't spend that much time together -she wasn't there for more than a week. She was – friendly – but not – not overly interested."

"Did you kiss?"

"We did – once – but that was it – the evening ended."

"But you fell in love."

"I thought I fell in love."

"And you were thrilled to come here and find her -"

"Madly in love with another man. I knew it... but I didn't want to admit the futility of what I hoped to see happen."

"And when you married her?"

"When I got better... I knew she didn't love me, but I was sure she would in time. I ... I didn't mind waiting – because I figured it was just a matter of her getting comfortable."

"And what would the alternative have been?"

"Annulling the marriage. Which I didn't want to do."

"SO you never thought you had the right to force the issue?"

"Not physically. No."

"Do you think Harper would have agreed?"

"No. Harper definitely wouldn't have agreed."

"Did you talk to him about it?"

"No. No way. I never would have wanted him to see me as weak. I was humiliated by my lack of marriage and I didn't want anyone to know."

"But when you saw those pictures?" Whitney was treading carefully. As much as Jack had often given her a laundry list of his sins – he had never been comfortable talking about the details of the rape - but she knew that now those details were playing over and over in his mind – and he needed to unburden.

"I never thought of ... what i was doing as rape – at the time," he said, haltingly, not looking into her face. She was too physically similar to Jennifer and Kayla to feel comfortable looking at her while talking about this. "I guess I didn't think at all about it – I just reacted. I was angry – and I wanted her to at least know that- to know that I was real – that I wasn't just some cardboard cutout of a man – that I had feelings and that I was ... I mattered. I was there. I was her husband. Not him – but me. That mattered a lot – that ... assertion of ... status, I guess."

"What about assertion of rights?"

"I guess that too. I ... I wanted her – I wanted to undo her affair with Steve – I wanted to make it not have happened. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't ... and the more i thought of it – and the more she didn't try to deny things – or try to fight for me to forgive her- she didn't care if I hated her – because she didn't want our marriage – I mean – she cared... she didn't want me to feel badly – and then – as the encounter got more and more intense – she didn't want me to **react** badly – but still – she didn't ... she didn't tell me it meant nothing – she didn't ask me to give her another chance..."

"She wouldn't hold up your illusion that you had a marriage – that you had a wife."

"Yes. I felt like she pitied me – and that was the worst of all – that ultimately to her, I was a former patient who was to be pitied. And – I guess I just lost all reason – and when I ... when I pushed her down," he said, flinching, "I never thought in my mind that I was going to... to rape her. I just – I just thought that I had to have _this_ with her. That thing that would make our marriage real – that would make me real. That it would undo all the scorn that was sure to follow when those pictures – when the truth of my marriage came out."

He was silent a long moment as he fought to work through he memories.

"After... I knew I had raped her. I wasn't... laboring under any other delusion. I knew it – and when I tried to touch her – her shoulder – to try to see what she was thinking – I was hoping still that she – that she might understand – that she might help me fool myself into believing that what I had done wasn't as horrible as I now feared. But... she didn't do that. She ... she told me if I touched her again, she would kill me. She told me she hated me, and that I had raped her – and ... she refused to understand why I had done it... I tried to explain, but she wouldn't cut me even the tiniest bit of slack. And right now – thinking back on it – I can absolutely understand that. Absolutely I raped her, and absolutely it was wrong – to cut me slack would have been ... so awful for – her – and in the end... for me. But... at the time, I refused to see that. I couldn't. I couldn't accept that I was a monster now, and I turned it all on her. I blamed her - ... and once I started doing that, it's like I hardened myself to her... but the problem is – I still loved her – and – the idea of her hurt ... her crying – everything, it cut me ... it cut into me – and I kept... wanting to apologize. It was awful. I was torn between hating myself and hating her... and the only thing I knew was that I hated Steve. And I decided to mostly channel everything into that one unambiguous emotion – and I went after him like I've never gone after anyone... before or after that whole nightmare."

"That's pretty intense," she said gently. "You've been on an extremely intense emotional ride these last few years. How did you feel when you – found out you were his brother?"

"My anger changed. In that one moment, Steve took the unambiguous anger away from me – I couldn't look at what he'd done and feel it anymore because even _his_ actions made sense. I ... I couldn't hang onto that righteous sense of rage and I hated him all the more for it. I hated all of them – Jo, Kayla, Steve – and even Adrienne ... even though she, like me, had known nothing of my true identity. It was easy to hate and blame... because it prevented me from feeling any anguish about having cut off all my ties from my mother... my brother... my sister."

"And yet – you still sought them out?"

"They sought me out. Time and again. Jo and Adrienne, of course- but even Steve at times... he was so – he admitted he loved me. He tried so hard to make me see that. And... eventually he stopped really trying, but that's when I began to miss his attempts. That's when I realized that I wanted him to try – that I wanted him to be my brother... that I wanted to be Jo's son... and Adrienne's brother. I wanted all of that. I guess maybe it's because I lost harper – and also Angelica when she had her child... but... whatever the reason – I wanted to be a part of their family and that's kind of what helped me out of my very unjustified anger."

"And now?"

"Now... I don't know. I guess... I feel like the Johnson family is my family – I feel it. And... I feel mostly comfortable with reaching out to them. But... this business with Lawrence and Jennifer has resurrected a lot of my guilt about Kayla. Kayla has been very supportive to both of us- which is totally amazing to me... but sometimes... I guess... I see how similar Jennifer and Kayla really are... and I feel like I'm as responsible for Jennifer's rape as I am for Kayla's, and ... it scares me. It's hard to ... it's hard to be in a relationship with a woman who you feel like you've injured. I'm afraid sometimes I'll never be able to get past that. Even if _she_ can get past it – what if I can't? I owe it to her to be here for her. To be strong. I don't want her to ever feel like I blame her. But when it's all said and done – I'm not sure we have a future together."

"How do you think she feels about that issue?"

"She tells me she wants to be together. Forever."

"Do you believe her?"

"I believe she's telling the truth as she believes it. But... I think she sees me very differently from before – and I don't think she'll ever be able to stop."

"You think she thinks of you in terms of your past?"

"How could ANYONE go through an act like that, and not wonder how the man she loved could commit the same horrific act. I am sure she's haunted by my past. I'm absolutely sure of it."

"What would help her?"

"Talking about it, I'm sure. This is, after all, Jennifer Horton we are talking about."

"So... "

"So what?"

"Can you talk to her about it?"

"Her feelings?"

"What you did. Can you talk to her about the rape?"

"Well. I guess if she wants to – I have no choice."

"What do you think will happen?"

"I think ... if I tell her about what I did – if I answer whatever questions she has... then I'll lose her for sure."

"Really?"

"Yes. Really. There's no way she could ever be in a relationship with me if she heard the details... direct from the source. But it doesn't matter. If it's what she needs to know, then... it's what she needs to know."


	29. Jack and Mickey

Jack tried to throw his entire concentration at the work ahead of him, but his thoughts kept straying to the meeting that would happen this very night.

_How am I going to face them? These people I have harmed._

A knock on the door forced him from these thoughts.

"Come in," he called out carelessly. His heart skipped a beat when he saw who was at the door. "Mickey. Did... did we have a meeting that I forgot about?"

"No, No," said the older man uncomfortably. "I ... hoped I might be able to get a few minutes of your time -even without the courtesy of an appointment."

"Well, sure – sure, of course," he said, standing up awkwardly. "Please – please sit down."

Mickey sat down in a proffered chair and waited as Jack also sat back down.

"We need to talk," said Mickey cutting straight to the chase. "Before tonight."

Jack sighed. "Yes. I suppose we do."

"We've had a lot of bad blood between us."

"Well," Jack said uncomfortably. "That was all my doing."

"Yes. Yes it was," the other man said sternly. "No doubt about it." He fell silent a moment, watching the other man's reaction. The Jack of just a year ago might have bristled in anger at Mickey's response, but this man just dropped his gaze uncomfortably and nodded.

"I'm... sorry about that. About all of that. From Kayla – to Melissa – to what I did to you – and Mike, and Jennifer's father," he said, looking Mickey straight in the eyes as he spoke. "It was all pretty unconscionable."

"And yet you managed to do it all."

"And yet I did."

"And despite all that, my mother seems to have developed quite the soft spot for you."

"Well..."

"And my mother isn't a fool. She doesn't... just give in to a pretty face. She's tough, and she's a damned good judge of character. And as much as I've hated to admit this – if she says that we can trust you, then I believe her."

"you... you do?"

"Even my father seems to think you're worthy of Jennifer."

"I'm not worthy of Jennifer. And yet ... nonetheless – she loves me. I don't even pretend to really understand why."

"A lot of people who I admire greatly think very highly of you. Even Melissa appears to think that you and Jennifer belong together. With all that... I suppose I have no choice but to accept that you're going to be my nephew-in-law."

"I'm sorry," said Jack. "I'm sorry, because I know the right thing to do as far as you're concerned is to ... back away from what I have with Jennifer. I'm not strong enough to do that on my own."

"What if Jennifer were to say she didn't want to be with you after it's all said and done?"

"Then... I'd have to abide by that."

"Jack, I don't really know how you did this to yourself. But you really have managed to turn your life around. You seem to have good intentions and that... smarmy young snide upstart is nowhere in sight when I talk to you."

Jack looked down, clearly recalling the conversation to which Micky was alluding.

"I was insufferable."

"You were. And yet you sabotaged yourself – and maybe you did it because on some level you knew that you shouldn't marry her -"

"Please don't attribute any noble motive to my dalliances with Kristina," said Jack agitatedly. "I was a jerk, and that's all there is to it. I think I was trying to sabotage my relationship with Melissa because I didn't want to marry her. I didn't want to be in a marriage with a woman I didn't love. It was selfishness. Nothing more than that."

"Well, whatever it was. It worked out well in the end. I applauded when she left you at the altar. I will applaud the day that Jennifer says I do. I wanted you to know that. That I support your relationship with her. And that I understand how awkward this current situation is for you."

"It's... more than awkward. It's humbling and it's horrifying. Watching Jennifer go through the same exact hell that I deliberately brought into Kayla's life is horrible, and while I certainly deserve to be in this position, Jennifer does not. My own personal growth should not have happened at the expense of someone else."

"You're actions with Kayla didn't cause this to happen to Jennifer," said Mickey. "You've done terrible things, but you didn't do anything to Jennifer. Lawrence did and you need to remember that."

Jack nodded grimly. "I never forget what he did," he said. _To her. And to Steve. But I can't talk to you about that. Not without proof._

"I know things are hard right now, Jack. But hang in there. Jennifer's very strong. And you seem to have an unbelievable knack for surviving. I'm sure you two will weather this one. And it's good that Jennifer has someone who loves and supports her to help her get through this ordeal.

Jack nodded. _It really sucks walking a mile in my brother's shoes._

"Thanks for coming to talk to me. I won't deny that one of my biggest fears about tonight was facing you."

Mickey nodded. _Good. You deserve that. You deserve to feel that way. But I'm glad we did this too. It's time to move on._


	30. Chapter 30

Jack drove to the fish market feeling a huge sense of dread. It was time to face Bo Brady.

Although he had spent some time with him on the island- the circumstances had been so strange – and then so tragic – that Bo and Jack had never truly discussed Jack's past with Bo's family. He had hinted at the past by asking Jack about the change in him, but they had never really delved past their collective agreement that the women in their lives were headstrong and could lead a man to change.

He knew that it was by mutual consent that both of them never really talked about the past. Jack felt sure that if he hadn't been Steve Johnson's brother, Bo would never have forgiven him. Bo would have come after him with all guns blazing. But the bizarre circumstances of Jack's connection to Steve had most probably stilled his hand. After all, he knew that Bo harbored his own guilt about what had happened with Steve's eye.

It wasn't just Bo that Jack feared. It was the entire Brady clan. Even after his dirty deed had been exposed to the public eye, Jack had on more than one occasion invaded a private Brady moment – like the time that Caroline had been sick in the hospital, in a blatant attempt at letting everyone know that he didn't accept the blame of what he had done. After he had become self-aware, he tended towards hiding away from those he victimized because he simply couldn't bear to be near them. Talking with Caroline and Shawn at Stephanie's telethon had been borderline torture for him.

And now he had to face them. He had to at least face Bo, and finally dig up the past and let it see the light of day so they could work together without it festering underneath. And he feared that. He feared that almost more than anything else -and yet how could he not do this? He owed this to Jennifer, and he wouldn't let her down.

It was _that_ thought which gave him strength. Jennifer had given him hope amidst his hopelessness, and now that it was his turn to do the same for her.

With that thought giving him strength, he opened the door to the fish-market.

Caroline looked up at him with a mixed sense of dread and surprise. Although she had forgiven Jack, she had never forgotten. She had never forgotten the pain he put her daughter through, nor the fear in Kayla's voice and manner when Jack had come looking for her so long ago. Truth be told, she had never been comfortable with any of the Deveraux family. Jack himself never seemed to reveal anything of who he really was. He seemed always full of nervous frenetic energy. His desire to please his father was too painful to be around.

And then it had all exploded and the man had become violent and vengeful, and the very fact of his existence in town had frightened her. At one time, she had wondered if he might not be the riverfront knifer. She had once thought that he might be capable of killing her daughter.

And then even that had changed. And eventually he had emerged – a lost and bewildered man who had no clue who he was. Through all these changes, he had finally come to a point where he was who he was. Of that she was sure. The problem was that who he had been was now haunting his present life – and that meant digging up all of the old pain. Caroline was not sure she was up for that task – but as she took in the bleakness and exhaustion that lay deep in his gaze, she reminded herself that he too had been through the wringer over the last several years, and her faith prodded her towards forgiveness and understanding.

"Jack! How are you?" Ever polite, she worked hard at not betraying her inner turmoil.

"Hi, Mrs. Brady," he said awkwardly. "I'm ... fine. How are you?"

"I'm well," she smiled gently, inexplicably driven by his nervousness to put him at ease. "But…I'm guessing you didn't come here to inquire about my health."

He flinched a bit at that, shamed by the reminder of his invasion into her hospital room.

"I guess I didn't, although I'm happy to hear you are well. I mean – your overall health and everything."

"How is Mrs. Horton doing these days," she asked him, knowing the answer but asking it anyway to acknowledge his inclusion into that family.

"I think she's doing pretty well, all things considered. Back at the villa - she seemed touch and go," he shook his head, trying to banish that image of her lying there - pale and drawn.

"Sounds like you all were pretty touch and go. Jack, Frankie told us you saved his life - that you went back for him and saved him."

"It sounds far more heroic than it actually was. I just walked a little ways back through the tunnels."

"Right," she said with a knowing smile. "Nonetheless, we all appreciate it very much."

"Oh. Well. Then you're very welcome, of course. I mean, we all watched out for each other, back there. It was a group survival effort."

"Oh. Well, of course."

"And… speaking of… I... was wondering if Bo was around. If not – might you know where he is?"

Jack asked this awkwardly. He clearly remembered trying to get to Kayla after his rape of her, when she had hidden out at her mother's house. He felt certain the same memories were affecting Caroline as well.

"I – I mean, I just wanted to talk to him before tonight. But if you don't know – it's okay. I don't have to –"

"Actually, I believe he was headed to the docks to take a walk. He probably will be back here later. Shawn Douglas is here and he's going to come by soon for him."

"Oh. Well, maybe I'll go check out the docks -"

"You're more than welcome to wait here - Stephanie should be awake soon."

"Oh, no - no - I mean - I - I don't want to be a bother. Really. I think I'll just go find him."

"Jack, she's your niece."

"I know," he said. "I ... I'm not avoiding her - I'm just – it's hard to feel comfortable coming by to see her," he said, acknowledging the ugliness that they were trying to avoid. "When Steve was alive – she was my brother's daughter. But now – it seems wrong. It feels intrusive."

"Jack. She's your mother's grandchild. You have a connection to her. It will always be there."

He nodded. "I promise to work through those issues, and I want you to know that your efforts at making me feel welcome on that matter are very much appreciated."

She gave him an emotional smile and nodded.

"Well – goodbye – and –"

"Hey, Jack!"

Jack turned to see Frankie. It seemed his escape had been curtailed.

"Frankie. How are you?"

"I'm glad I ran into you, man," Frankie said.

"Oh?"

"Listen, boys," said Caroline with a smile, trying to give them their privacy. "If you don't mind, I'm going to go check up on Stephanie and Shawn Douglas."

"Sure," they both said in unison, and watched quietly as she left.

"Listen," said Frankie lowering his voice. "How's Jen doing?"

"She's... doing all right, I guess," he said. "I mean... you'd have to ask her, to find out for sure. I think she's doing all right."

Frankie nodded. "She needed your support. I'm glad you know."

Jack looked away. "Yeah. About that. I'm ... sorry about being so suspicious before. It was totally out of line. You were trying to support her and I was getting in the way of that."

"Look, Jack. I'd have been jealous too. It's no big deal."

"It is a big deal. And I wanted you to know that I'm sorry for it."

"Well. Apology accepted. I think it'll do us both some good to work together to make Alamain pay."

He nodded vaguely.

"Look, I know that we haven't always been on the same side. But Steve was like a brother to me, and obviously to you too," he said with a smile. "We both love Jennifer, and we both hate that she was hurt like that. I think we'll make a good team."

Jack looked at him for a long beat. He knew that Frankie loved Jennifer. And he knew that that love was the same as Jack's love for her. But he no longer felt anything but sympathy for the man, because he knew that losing Jennifer was a horrible thing to go through.

"Right. Well -"

"That is, if you can forgive me for lying about who I was? I know Jennifer's pretty angry about it, even if she doesn't say she is."

"You didn't really lie to me, and I understand wanting to run away and hide. So no problems there."

"What about Katarina?"

"What about her?"

"Are you angry at her?"

"I... I don't think much of her right now. I'm sorry. It's none of my business, and I do hope that Jennifer and Katarina can regain what they once had. I'm willing to … have an open mind on the issue. I don't think Katarina actually meant any of this to happen. And frankly, who am I to judge her, anyway – after who I've been and what I've done."

Frankie looked at him, surprised by his stark admission. He was about to say something when the door opened.

Jack looked up at the sound of the door opening and saw Bo. His eyes met the other man's gaze, and Frankie picked up on Jack's immediate tension.

"Hey. Jack. I'm going to head out now. I'll see you tonight, all right?"

"Yeah. Yeah. Hope your day stays Lawrence-free."

"Yours too. Tell Jen I said hello."

"I'll tell _Jennifer_," he said with a sly grin at the other man.

Frankie grinned back and shook his head as he walked out the door, pausing to clap his hand on Bo's shoulder as he did.


	31. Chapter 31

A while later, Bo and Jack sat opposite each other at the Cheatin' Heart after deciding to walk there to get privacy and relief from the colder temperatures.

"This place reminds me of Steve," said Jack regretfully.

Bo grinned. "We've had good times here."

"I never did that with him. I really wish I had. It just seemed like we were finally becoming brothers when he died."

"Having you back in his life was his lifelong dream."

"I know," he said, looking down. "I made it his nightmare."

"Jack. I know why you wanted to talk to me. All this stuff with Lawrence has brought back all your stuff with Kayla. I know. I've been thinking about it a lot too. About how much I used to hate you – and how I don't anymore. As soon as I met you, I stopped… the person I met and the person you must have been seem so far removed from each other."

"I could just be a good actor."

"I know. I thought about that – but having seen you up against Lawrence, I tend to think otherwise. Look. I won't lie to you. I wanted to come back and kill you when I heard about you raping my sister," he said bluntly, his eyes hardening a bit as he said the words. "I wanted to tear you limb from limb. But then, I guess I'd have disfigured another Johnson brother and that wouldn't be very nice, right? I mean - I disfigured your brother –"

"No, no – no. what happened between you and Steve has nothing to do with what I did."

Bo leaned back in his chair a bit, and gave Jack a small smile.

"I know."

"You were testing me."

"Yes."

Jack gave him a slow nod. Bo had every right in the world to subject Jack to any kind of psychological test he chose.

"Why didn't you kill me," he asked. "I deserved for you to come and do what you wanted to do."

"Because your brother begged me not to. And how could I say no to that?"

"What about – " he stopped, realizing how appalling his next question was.

"Kayla?"

"Yes."

"She… talked to me too. She hated you, Jack. You were her worst nightmare. After Steve nearly died giving you his kidney, she was really angry at him for putting his life in jeopardy like that for you. She felt that he should have let you die, if need be, rather than nearly dying himself. I think on some level she felt like he was choosing you over her."

He shut his eyes.

"God, I can't even imagine that. It must have seemed that way – to have someone you love so much give so much up to your worst enemy …"

"You must have known that she felt that way –"

"I … I knew that Steve hated my closeness to Jo. Before I found out the truth, I kept trying to repair that relationship – mostly to bother Steve. I mean, I did feel close to Jo – and now, I guess I know why… but I wanted to make Steve miserable. And it worked. I know he was jealous, and – now I know why for that as well. But I didn't really see that there could be any point of contention for Steve's affection – I had no idea he was my brother, and when I found out – I didn't care about any of that – I just wanted to get as far away from any of the Johnsons as I possibly could. " He sighed. "Kayla actually asked me not to look for Steve's lost brother. And I acted like I didn't even know what she was talking about."

"It didn't take long for Kayla to want you and Steve to form some kind of relationship. Once you found out – she felt that it was the only way for Steve to be happy. She blamed herself for the mess between you all."

"It was never her fault –"

"Some of it was. Some of it was Steve's. The way they treated you – mostly Steve and your mother – but after Kayla found out the truth, she became a co…conspirator, I guess. They hurt you badly and if you hadn't handled the situation the way you did – if you had just divorced her – then you would have ever right to still hate the for all the deception. Kayla married you because you were dying and she was trying to give you hope. Her own future with Steve was lost to her, and it seemed at the time the right thing to do. But once she realized what was really going on? She should have ended things."

He shook his head. "I used to think that for so long, back when I wasn't able to take the blame myself, and now – it seems so wrong hearing you say it –"

"Well, it's what made it possible, I think for Kayla to even consider letting you be a part of her life –"

"She should never have had to made that choice –"

"But she did. She had to. It was the nature of the circumstances."

"I should have left town."

"Then your mother would have been miserable, and as a result so would Steve, and then because she would have blamed herself for you leaving, Kayla would have been miserable. She probably would have divorced Steve so you could be with each other."

"Sounds like a demented version of the 'Gift of Magi.'"

"Whatever it is, it's in the past now. You've earned Kayla's trust. She trusts you, and considers you a part of Stephanie's family, if nothing else. And we all have to work together comfortably to bring Lawrence down."

"I know. I know – I'm amazed Kayla feels that way, but I know."

"So I want you to know that I can work with you. I'm not going to say that it isn't going to get ugly at times. It might. But we owe it to Steve and Jennifer to make this happen."

"I know. I won't let either of them down again.'

"Again?"

"This whole mess with Jennifer wouldn't have happened if I hadn't pulled away from her. It's really all my fault. I broke up with her for her own good, and in the end, caused all of this to happen –"

"You couldn't have possibly predicted this would happen –"

"I know that if I hadn't broken up with her, this wouldn't have happened."

"I guess you know how Steve felt then."

"Steve had a more solid reason for pushing Kayla away – he was trying to save my life."

"Maybe you were trying to save Jennifer. Maybe you thought after you killed Harper that you were now a man who could kill."

"Well. Yes. But… it turns out that – I was probably wrong there. I knew what I did was done in the defense of Steve – it wasn't planned, it just happened… and I know that I'm not a murderer – I just needed to be alone, and I was selfish in that feeling. My need to be alone got Jennifer in this mess."

"Jennifer made bad choices. But what really got her into this mess was Lawrence. No matter what Jennifer did, Lawrence shouldn't have acted the way he did. As much as you are to blame for what you did to Kayla, Lawrence is the one who hurt everyone. You have to remember that. As long as you think it's all your fault, you leave yourself open to attack."

He nodded.

"I mean, what would Steve say?"

Jack gave a slow grin.

"To – ah – pull my head out from where it currently is, and work on the business at hand."

"Well. That's good advice, Jack. So listen to your big brother, okay? Don't be the weak link in our chain."

"No. I won't. I promise you. I owe it to everyone to see this through properly."

"How is Jennifer handling all of this?"

"I guess you'd have to really ask her that. She seems to be handling it well."

"How is she handling your past?"

Jack looked away. Bo had every right to ask these questions – although they hardly knew each other, their collective connections made their relationship far more intimate than mere acquaintance.

"I'm not sure," he sighed. "You probably know all about why we broke up in the first place –"

"Well, I know bits and pieces –"

"It's enough for me to know that it was obvious that Jennifer, at one time, had a huge problem with my past. The fact that she wanted to get back together – even when we broke apart, it wasn't what she wanted… but I had no way of understanding that sentiment in correlation to how she had reacted to me… I mean, she made it clear that she thought of me in terms of my past deeds –"

"Ouch."

"Yeah. But even after that – she still kept telling me she wanted us together. So I guess that says a lot. She wants to work things out."

"Has she said anything at all to you about your past?"

"Sure – but nothing that really – I mean, she tends to deflect the subject. As do I. Our therapist is our buffer. But I'm getting the feeling that this will all change soon. It doesn't matter - whatever Jennifer needs from me, I'm willing to give her, even if it means losing her."

"Well, from what I saw on the island – she loves you. I've never seen her like that with anyone. Not even Frankie."

"Right."

"Well, look. Give her a hug for me, okay?"

"Well – you can do that tonight – you know. Right? You're going to be there, right?"

"Yes. I wouldn't miss it for nearly anything. Alamain is going to go down."


	32. Chapter 32

"Hey," he said as he walked in the door. "I'm sorry I'm late."

"I thought maybe you weren't coming."

"You figured I was bailing out on you."

"I thought maybe I misunderstood and we were supposed to meet there."

"You thought I was bailing out on you," he insisted resolutely. Since his disastrous marriage to Kayla and his ensuing dishonest relationship with Melissa, Jack had slowly but surely pushed himself towards keen dissection of other people's body language, as well as his own very stringent personal code of being honest in his intent and words unless he was pursuing a story and could justify dissimulation for the greater good. As such, he could read her body language pretty accurately and he couldn't allow either one of them to believe that he was fooled by what she said.

"Okay. Fine. Yes. I thought you were perhaps not going to come at all."

"It's a reasonable thing to think," he said with forced airiness. "After all, let's not forget who you're talking to."

"I haven't forgotten," she said with that gentle starry smile that always made him feel like someone heroic.

"Well – then – tempus fugit and all that. Let's go get this over with."

"Jack. Are you scared?"

He had hoped Jennifer would hold off her need to analyze his every thought and word and deed, but he knew that of all nights, she wasn't likely to become reticent on this point tonight.

"I suppose I'm bit perturbed. Then again, I imagine you must be as well. We can bolster each other's courage, if you like. Maybe we could agree on a hand signal intended to offer up support – perhaps a surreptitious double thumbs-up?"

"Jack."

"Look. The more we talk about it, the more perturbed I get. Did you know that the world perturbed sounds funny if you say it too many times?"

"Uncle Mickey told me he stopped by your office."

"That he did."

"And?"

"And – we talked. About more than the weather. But I'm still here – and I'm still going, so not to worry – he didn't bite too hard."

"Jack, are you sure you're okay with this?"

"Jennifer, I have to be okay with this. I owe too many people not to come through. It's okay. Really – I'm okay."

"Okay." She fell silent, hearing the irritation in his tone. The last thing she wanted was to turn this into another battle.

"Jennifer. I'm sorry. I don't like to talk about my feelings when my feelings are in a turmoil. So yes. I'm scared. And the thing I do when I'm scared is to act like I'm not because then, I feel like I'm in control, and then I feel a little safer."

"But the whole point of loving someone is being able to share that – but then, I guess I'm being the worlds biggest hypocrite. After all, I haven't exactly been willing to share my own fears the last few months."

"Well, I imagine that your fears were much deeper and darker than mine. I'm just afraid of ... the mirror. You – you had so much more to worry about."

"I should have trusted you."

"Jennifer, I very easily could have run away from this. That was my first impulse you know. You weren't wrong is worrying about how I'd take it."

"Well - I'm just saying that I understand ... and I'm sorry I keep pushing you."

"It's okay. It's nothing I haven't done."

"Jack."

"No – no – we can't go into all of this again right now. I think we can agree on a few things here. We... ah – we love each other. We want what's best for each other, and we are here for each other. Right?"

She grinned at him.

"Yeah. Right."

"Well, then I see nothing to really worry about. As you are fond of saying, it's all going to work out in the end."

Shadows crossed her eyes for a moment and Jack felt a hitch of fear.

_Or not. There is always that matter of my past and how she feels about it._

"Jennifer," he said gently. "Come on. Let's just go."'

"Okay. I'm sorry. I guess I'm scared."

"I know. I am too. We'll get through this together, and remember – you decide how much you want to share and how long you want to stay – and - if you want to stay the night there – or several – or – indefinitely – that's okay too. I mean – if after all of this – you feel more comfortable_ there_ than _here."_

"That won't happen."

"Never say never."

"I didn't say never. I said 'won't'."

He shook his head. "Now who's splitting hairs?"

She grinned again, knowing that it really delighted him when she threw a taste of his own medicine back in his face when it came to pedantic word play.

"By the way," he said, as they were getting into the car. "I went to see Bo."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I figured... you know... " his tone became serious as he turned the key. "I had to talk to him – face to face... about my past deeds. You know. I couldn't pretend like ... nothing had happened. I'd spent a long time worrying about meeting up with him, and our – encounters were really overwhelmed by the craziness of what Ernesto did. There wasn't any time or energy left to deal with what should have been dealt with. So – I – I decided to make tonight that much easier by facing him alone."

"I know. Frankie called me and told me that he ran into you at the Brady's market. He said you were talking to Mrs. Brady when he came in... and that you spoke with him a bit."

"Ah yes. It was an awkward afternoon all around."

"He said that you apologized to him."

"Yes. Of course. I acted like a jerk."

"How about you and Mrs. Brady?"

"It's a bit may December – but -"

"Jack."

"Okay. It was... okay. Very strange – very uncomfortable – for both of us – but okay. I'm hugely grateful to whatever fate exists out there for not having Mr. Brady walk in. I just don't think I could have faced him."

"I'm sure that's... that's hard."

"Well -"

"I was afraid of facing Leopold after the truth came out -"

"Oh, Leopold was ashamed to face you. He knew – didn't he? He knew what Lawrence did. You had nothing to be ashamed of."

"I did. I sought to deceive him as well as Lawrence – and I betrayed his trust. Leopold treated me very nicely – he seemed to really like me."

"Of course he liked you. It's downright near impossible not to -I think there are only two people on the planet who don't like you – Lawrence and Eve -"

"Eve?"

"'Jen Jen'?"

Jennifer stiffened. "Please. Never call me Jen."

"I was just -"

"Lawrence has called me Jen a time or two -"

"Doesn't Frankie also call you that," Jack asked, trying to re associate the nickname with positive memories.

"I ... I'm – going to ask him to stop."

"Look. I'm sorry – I was just trying to lighten the mood -"

"It's okay... really. I was just trying to tell you that as strange as it may seem, I think I understand about Mr. Brady."

"There's just so much," he said briefly stealing a look at her. "So much that this is wrapped around. So much we've never talked about and it's really not the right time right now."

She looked back at him for a long moment.

"No. I guess it isn't. But... I think – soon."

"Yea. I was thinking soon as well."

"Okay."

"Perhaps tomorrow?"

"Maybe that's too soon."

"Well - no time like -"

"Really, Jack – I don't know that I'm ready - okay?"

He paused.

"Okay. I guess that's it then."

"I'm not trying to make things worse. I'm not trying to delay – or torture you -"

"No – no – and I don't take it that way."

"Well, good. "

"Let's just get through tonight."

"Yeah. But Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"I won't want to stay there. So don't leave without me."

"I wouldn't dream of it."


	33. Chapter 33

Jack and Jennifer both stood outside the Horton household, delaying the inevitable.

After a lengthy pause, Jack looked at Jennifer pointedly.

"_One_ of us should ring the doorbell."

"Oh. Like me, perhaps," she countered archly.

"Well. This is _your_ grandmother's house, after all."

"I see. And your own case of the nerves has nothing to do with your reticence?"

"Please. I'm simply attempting to be an arbiter of good manners here. Despite the physical discomfort brought about by it being a cold night."

"Well, then I guess I'd better spring into action in order to prevent us both from freezing to death out here."

"Seems like the humane thing to do. I'm surprised you've let it go on this long.

She grinned at him.

"I'd hate to have you blame me if you get sick."

"Oh. No. You definitely don't want that. I mean, I get all whiny, and I'll tell everyone it was all your fault –" he trailed off, and Jennifer saw the look of guilt that crossed his features. She knew in that moment he was thinking of his behavior with Kayla.

"Come on, Jack. It's okay." She rang the doorbell to move tings forward along.

Maggie opened the door.

"Come in, come in," she invited with a friendly smile on her face. "Come on, you must be freezing! It's so cold!"

"Yeah, we seem to be having a cold snap," agreed Jennifer as they walked into the house.

No sooner had they entered and shed their coats when Melissa suddenly seemed to appear into view. She was looking at both of them with trepidation in her eyes.

"Hi guys," she said softly, tears filling her eyes as she looked at Jennifer.

"Melissa," said Jennifer gently. "How are you?"

It had recently come to light that Melissa had been the one to push Emilio out the window and Jack could see she was shattered. He knew her pain all too well.

"I'm sorry, Jen," she said tearfully as Maggie moved tactfully away. "I'm sorry! I killed him –"

Jennifer pulled her into a tight embrace.

"It wasn't on purpose. It was an accident," she said fiercely. "Don't you do this to yourself."

"I thought you might hate me –"

"No! Never. I know you, Melissa. You would never kill someone on purpose!"

Melissa's eyes met Jack's as she stepped back out of Jennifer's embrace.

"Hi Jack," she said a little warily.

Jack looked at her a long moment, remembering how she all but saved his life when he felt like the whole world was against him. Without her acceptance, as misguided as it was, Jack may well have ended his own life.

"Melissa- would you mind… could I have a word with you? Ah… alone?"

Jennifer squeezed his arm in understanding and walked into the living room.

"Sure. Okay," she said slightly uncomfortably as she led him into the den.

She closed the door slowly and then turned to face him, clearly nervous about what he wanted to say.

He was nervous too, which gave her strength. If he wanted to say something hurtful, he would have had a predatory gleam in his eyes … which he didn't.

"I'm reasonably sure that I'm the last person you would ever want to talk to about Emilio," he said carefully. "But I feel I have to say something. Because of everything that you did."

She tensed slightly, worried now that he meant to hurt her somehow in retaliation for how she hurt him.

"For whatever it's worth to you… I am so sorry about the hell you're going through right now."

His words were sincere, and the ache in his gaze told her that he did care and that he was sorry and she began to soften. She hated that. She wanted to be hard, to keep away the tears, to refuse sympathy from this man who had hurt her – who had hurt Emilio – who had callously disregarded the feelings of others on so many occasions. But she couldn't. His sympathy, genuinely offered, was going to be her undoing.

She let out a pained exhalation and looked down.

"Thank you," she said after a long moment. "I appreciate that."

"I mean it," he said urgently and she looked back up at him, seeing the intensity in his gaze. "Melissa. Whatever I've done… I didn't mean to kill Harper. "

She nodded tightly, tears in her eyes.

"I know. I always knew that. It was clearly – clearly an – an accident."

"But I didn't know that when it happened. I appreciate hearing that you believed it, but I didn't. For a long time, I believed I was a murderer. I – I still have trouble dealing with it. Which is ironic when you consider the fact that for a long time I refused to even admit that what I did to Kayla was rape."

Melissa was surprised to hear him use the word.

"You call it that now?"

"I have for a long time. I never really said it… not since the actual – the actual incident – when we were yelling at each other after the fact," he flinched. "I don't know. I just pushed it far away. I tried so hard to see myself in a better light. And maybe that's why with Harper, I was determined to call it what I thought it was. And again, ironically, the people I had hurt so much were part of the chorus of voices who wanted me to believe otherwise. That it was an accident. You were in that chorus, Melissa, and I need to tell you that now I'm in yours. If you need anything at all – all my resources are at your disposal. The… ah – the only problem there is that you might not actually want me publicly in your corner – given the dubious nature of my own past."

Melissa was torn by a sudden need to escape. He was being kind, and it was killing her, because it was reminding her of all the reasons she had loved Jack Deveraux. All the reasons that if she was truly honest with herself, she would have to admit that she still loved him. Because once you loved this particular man, it was impossible to completely turn that off. But she had tried, and she had nearly convinced herself that she had been successful. She had taught herself to at least show happiness towards Jack and Jennifer as a couple.

It hadn't been easy. Jennifer's easy conquering of Jack's heart and soul had been difficult to swallow. Melissa had always been a little jealous of Jennifer – of her place in the family, of her golden and sweet nature… but then little Jennifer had grown up and won the prize that Melissa had suffered so much in trying to acquire. She had felt humiliated and hurt by his easy transferal of affection, but she knew that he had never loved her. She also knew that Jennifer had never intended on hurting her in any way.

But now - with the kindness in his eyes – she wanted to throw herself into his arms, and she could never do that. The one thing she wanted most from him, he could never give. So she gave him a brave smile and nodded.

"You could be right. But it doesn't matter. I still appreciate what you said. More than I can even express."

He gave her a satisfied nod.

"I'm glad. Are you joining us out there," he asked genially, trying to build a new relationship with her. They would be cousins.

"I … wasn't a part of all of that. I'd be in the way. And… this is going to be hard enough for you, Jack. With Kayla here. Adding me to all of this will only add to your difficulties."

"Melissa – your family was hurt by Lawrence. You have every reason to be there."

"Thank you, Jack. I know. I'll still stay out of it though, if you don't mind."

He nodded.

"Guess I'd better face the music."

"You can do it," she said with a supportive smile.

"You know. I'm starting to believe I can."


	34. Chapter 34

Julie looked over and saw Jack entering the room. She could feel his awkward nervousness as if it were her own.

"Oh good," she said brightly. "Our gathering is complete. We can begin. Jack, good of you to join us."

"Sorry," he mumbled nervously. "I... I'm late?"

"No, no - not late at all," smiled Julie.

Jennifer moved over to Jack from where she had been standing. She had been waiting for him to come in to ensure they sat together. If she knew Jack, he probably felt like his being near her at this particular time wouldn't be acceptable, and she wanted to forestall his attempts at distancing.

"Jack, come on," she smiled as she took his hand and pulled him over to a conveniently empty love seat.

"I'm sorry that we all have to come together under these circumstances," said Julie, "but I appreciate you all making the time. And of course, there isn't a person here that I wouldn't be delighted to see under any other auspices."

Jack flushed a little, appreciating her words. He knew the latter had been meant for him.

"The reason I called this meeting was to mobilize our efforts. Together, we are strong. Lawrence wants to see us weak and afraid and we aren't going to give him that satisfaction."

"No," said Kayla fiercely. "Not by a long shot. I will do whatever it takes to see that monster pays for what he did to Steve."

Jack suddenly remembered how he had once let Kayla believe that he was capable of killing Steve. If he had killed him - even inadvertently through his order to have 'Johnson' taken care of, he was pretty sure now that Kayla would have taken off the kid gloves. Hearing her now, he knew she was capable of whatever she was promising to do.

"Change that to a 'we', and I'll agree with you," said Bo. "Am I right? We are all in this together."

There was a hearty chorus of agreement, and Jack nodded silently.

"But we have to stay within the law," said Julie warningly. "Oh, a little breaking and entering might be okay," she said, "But deadly force... definitely not. We don't need to give him the satisfaction of getting us behind bars."

"He killed my husband," said Kayla. "Sometimes... sometimes I think it would be worth it..."

"But it isn't," said Bo. "Remember when you were in jail before. You don't want to go there again."

"Lawrence's path is littered with crimes," said Jack, speaking up for the first time. "Hopefully we can trip him up on those."

"Right and that's why we are here. To be as effective at doing that as we possibly can be."

"I believe our first step should be to know our enemy," said Bo. "We should try to paint a clear picture as to why he's here and what he may have planned for the future. Identifying his weaknesses is also part of this task. We need to get inside his head. "

Jack felt a flush of shame wash through him. In Lawrence's head is where Jack had been. He could tick off, like grocery list, the checklist of comparative behavior between him and the monster du jour.

He cleared his throat a minute, making the definite and defiant choice to step forward and make glaringly obvious what everyone was thinking anyway.

"Ah. I... I might be able to help there," he offered forth to the crowd who were now looking at him after he had drawn attention with his nervous throat clearing.

"Jack," said Jennifer softly. She hated his pain, but she knew that he was right... he was the closest here to understanding the current vengeful and angry path that Lawrence was traveling.

She saw Kayla looking at Jack too and could feel the other woman's tension. Jack eye's flickered over to Kayla, and Jennifer saw the look that passed between them.

Kayla in her stead had been amazed at Jack's stone-faced ability to hide what he was feeling. It had brought to mind the attitude with which he had sat through her trial with him and it was unnerving, but in this moment when he looked at her, his emotions burned clear and she felt overwhelming relief. She felt like she kept needing reminders that he was who he was now - far removed from that cold and calculating vengeful man.

Jack decided to leave off prefaces of how everyone must know what he was about to say - about him and Lawrence - because it would only draw out protests on the part of those who still sought to protect him

"Lawrence came to Salem to destroy his enemies. Us. I'd say ... Bo, Jennifer, myself, possibly Carly and maybe even Julie are people he hates the most."

"Why me?"

"Because Leopold was frantic with worry about you," said Jack apologetically. "And he died trying to save the rest of us who were still trapped."

"That was Lawrence's fault," hissed Kayla.

"Lawrence's view of reality is very dissonant from ours," said Jack, addressing her directly. "In his mind, we killed Leopold. He doesn't see that it was his own actions in trying to have us killed that led to Leopold's death. I'm guessing he feels that Bo, Jennifer and I are all responsible for him losing everything... Katarina and the hopes of gaining her fortune, Leopold's love and life... and the respect of people he was raised to lead. He's lost face. In his mind, it's our doing. He hated you first," he said, looking at Bo. "And for a long time, he probably focused his anger your way. But he probably always felt that he had chances still to get Katarina back before her birthday. That's over. Leopold's life is over. He has nothing left to lose and now he's got more people to hate and blame."

"Like me. I deliberately stepped in the way of the marriage pact," said Jennifer.

"Yes... and he hates you probably as much as he hates Bo," said Jack. "Because your actions were deliberately targeted at him. You assumed you could fool him and for that alone, he won't forgive. He was trained to lead his country and some young woman comes along with a half-baked plan and thinks she can fool him."

"It wasn't half-baked -"

"I'm talking about how he probably sees it," said Jack. "Obviously you were just helping a friend. And that's why everyone here loves you so much - but that's also why he hates you. You tried to make him inconsequential," said Jack awkwardly, avoiding Kayla's gaze. "That's probably in the top five list of his perceived grievances against you."

"So why you," asked Kayla. "What did you do? I mean, he really hated you. I could see that. He hated you so much."

"Uh... well..." he paused awkwardly. How to tell her that he blatantly made love to Jennifer within the confines of the Alamain embassy. "Well. I... I was an accessory to Jennifer's plan, and I tried to help her with it. He maybe felt I was making a fool of him with my rather inept disguises and attempts at getting Jennifer out of his embassy and then his country... and then - I beat him in that sword fight. He lost face in that fight - he lost it in front of a lot of people and word will travel fast. That's another reason, by the way, that I think everyone here is in danger. You all witnessed him losing face on several occasions. I think Lawrence is deeply insecure. Lawrence - if he was thinking rationally - would see that coming after us would only make us more determined to see him pay for his crime. But he's not thinking rationally. He's letting hate drive his actions and because of that... he's dangerous. He's not capable of being reasoned with."

"Well... that does seem to be true," said Bo. "He shows up everywhere."

"He's audacious in the things he says," said Julie angrily. "I mean - that speech he gave at the hospital..." she tailed away as she realized how uncomfortable what she was saying was about to make at least three members of the audience.

There was a hard silence as everyone processed what had been said. Jack knew that his in depth analysis of Lawrence had not gone un-noticed. Surely everyone here was going to politely decide they would be better off without a Lawrence-like man in their midst. He would take their decision with grace this time. He had learned that if you treat people badly, expect to be cast out of decent company.

"I don't think Lawrence is 100 sane," said Jennifer.

Everyone looked her way. Jack could feel her tension and worried at it.

"He thought I was Carly at first. The night... I married him."

Everyone froze as Jennifer began to talk. They could see Jack stiffen too.

"He seemed to ... think I was Carly. I mean - he accused me of - leading him on again... like it wasn't the first time - like I was someone else."

Jack flushed in shame. His attack had been emotionally overwrought as well. He remember he'd been desperate to stake his claim, to prove that what was between him and Kayla was real and not some hoax, not some phantom in his mind. Better to be a monstrous man than a eunuch - at least... in that moment, his untenable id-based self probably had believed that. If Lawrence was unbalanced... could Jack really afford to be throwing that particular stone from the vantage of his own glass house?

Bo interjected, taking pity on the situation. He could see that Kayla was deeply uncomfortable and for her sake alone, he tried to move things along.

"So let's run through it then. We know that he's vengeful, angry, ruthless and feels justified in how he's treated us in the past. The question is - is he crazy? Jennifer suggests that he is."

"It could have been an act," said Julie. "So later on when you did... well, if you did press charges - he could plead insanity."

"I didn't get that feeling," said Jennifer, looking down. "He really seemed to think I was her."

"Then why -" Frankie stopped talking as he realized he was taking it too far. "Forget it."

"Why did he treat Jennifer that way if he thought she was Carly? There are different rules where he comes from - different values," said Julie. "Leopold was a man of honor. I believe that. But he also had poison gas ready to kill his enemies who might try to get to him through those tunnels. If Leopold - who had honor - could condone that... then Lawrence... well, he may have seen the situation differently."

"We know he's motivated by rage," said Kayla. "Which makes him irrational. His hate for us would blind any reason anyway. Like Jack said - we destroyed his life on many levels - at least how he sees it. Leopold's death alone... I mean, I know. Steve is dead - and my anger about that is very unreasonable. So lets look at his earlier behavior. He held a vendetta against Bo for what he did all those years ago? Now that's not exactly rational."

"Not really," said Bo. "I did interrupt something that might have resolved itself. In many societies, my behavior would be considered rude and intrusive. Like Jack and Julie have said... an insult. I treated Lawrence ... as if he didn't matter... and as Jack said - given who Lawrence was - the future leader of his country - that might have been a blow to his ego."

"And I... deliberately ... tried to ruin his chances of inheriting Katarina's money and marrying her. It was deliberate. I did try to do him harm," said Jennifer.

"But we didn't kill Leopold," said Kayla. "That was his doing. That's the one thing that he can't pin on us."

"But he does," said Jack. "He's implied as much to me. I think because Leopold died trying to save us. Lawrence yelled at me for letting his father go off into the tunnels."

"But it as his fault that Leopold had to do that in the first place," said Frankie.

"He's grieving. He's grieving the loss of his entire world, and the loss of the one person he really did love. That makes you irrational," said Julie. "It will be a long time before he can see that Leopold's death falls squarely on his shoulders."

"He may never see that," said Jack. "Shouldering that guilt ... that might not be something he can handle. So he'll continue to push it away. We can't count on him having a conscience attack. I believe Lawrence is dangerous. I believe he's a killer, and that he'd kill any of us without feeling a moments guilt about it. And... as far as his next moves, I think that depends on us and how much of a threat he perceives us to be. He's trying to demoralize all of us. He shows up with a few choice words intended to make you feel hopeless, but in the end all he's succeeded in doing is driving us together. Honestly I'm surprised he's even doing that - he should know that most of the people he tried to victimize were already part of a very tightly knit supportive group.

"I was probably the most isolated and when Jennifer and I split up, he came in like a vulture trying to make me worse about things... about Steve, and about Jennifer. He was trying to push me into despair. His attempts at buying Diana's half of the paper was a deliberate attempt at making me feel hopeless. "

"He really has zeroed in on you," said Julie. "Sometimes it feels like you're the one he hates the most."

"Well... I suppose so."

"Perhaps he's just using you as a scapegoat."

"I think he's jealous of you, Jack," said Kayla. "Like an alpha-male thing -"

"Then why didn't he go after Bo or Frankie that way?"

"Because Jack is, like him, wealthy, well educated... he probably feels a stronger sense of competition with him. And Leopold ended up on your side, Jack -maybe he felt like he could lose his father's admiration - that he paled in comparison."

Jack winced. This conversation was going down a truly horrible path.

"It's more than that. Jack and I... were at the embassy in New York together. And we reconciled our differences," said Jennifer. "Under his roof. If you get my drift."

Jack looked anywhere but at the eyes around him. _Sure. The pickaxes are about to come out now._ Jennifer would always seem to be virginal and pure to him, and he was hard pressed now to not think that he had in some way defiled her.

Jennifer looked around at the various people in the room, well aware that her words had sparked a lot of unpleasant thoughts.

"Look. Sorry for the... sharing of personal information - but... I think it's relevant."

"It's more than relevant," said Kayla, looking directly at Jack. He looked up at her, if on cure, and was unable to break gaze. "It's hitting the nail on the head. Jack... get yourself a bodyguard. He's going to kill you if he gets the chance."

Jack swallowed nervously and then nodded his head. It was clear her warnings came from her memories of how Jack had behaved all those years ago.

"He hates me. That's for sure. And Jennifer. With the exception of Bo, the rest of you were mostly inconvenient to him, but he didn't actually feel any rancor. That makes his attempts at killing everyone here even more disturbing. Lawrence might just be a sociopath. And if that's true... we're all going to need bodyguards."


	35. Chapter 35

"So what," asked Frankie. "We're all going to walk around with bodyguards? Don't you think that might rouse his suspicions that we're up to something?"

"It's not a feasible solution," agreed Jack. "But we should all be more careful. He tried to kill us. I wouldn't be afraid to take a bet that he'd do it again."

"I guess that's the whole point of this, isn't it," said Julie. "What is Lawrence capable of now?"

"I think he'll probably target Jack and Bo," said Kayla. "Jennifer is probably secondary to him right now, compared to them. The two of you he hates. Bo – for taking Carly away, and Jack, for ... well, as you said, he blames you for his father's death," she said, flushing a little as she strove to not refer to what Jennifer had revealed. That Lawrence mostly hated Jack as an accessory to his own humiliation, made even more acute by their making love right under his roof.

"There's no way I'm walking around with a bodyguard," said Bo. "But I will be more careful."

"And you," asked Jennifer, looking at Jack.

"Certainly. Of course. I mean no bodyguard... but yes... I'll be careful."

"Really. I mean. No sword fights. Okay?"

"Jennifer. The guy came after me with a sword. I tried to get out of it."

"Actually, I agree with Jack," said Kayla. "You did try to stop the fight. Lawrence probably would have killed you and called it an accident if you hadn't fought back."

He looked awkwardly at her, feeling unsure about her defense of him. He had tried to get out of the fight until Lawrence had pushed him. And then he snapped. Just like he had with Kayla – the feeling of rage uncontrolled was the same, and he as amazed that his display of that rage hadn't resonated badly with her.

"Actually the sword fight was all my fault, come to think of it. He had me wired, Jack. When you came to see me, I was supposed to get you to leave... and when that didn't happen," she blushed a little, remembering their very passionate encounter – where the passion and longing for him had overcome her post-rape trauma and they had enjoyed kisses that still burned in her memory. "He – ah... he came and told me that you would pay for my -"

"Jennifer, that's not_ your _fault," Jack interrupted, feeling very badly about how he had held Steve's life over Kayla. "It's Larry's."

"He hates you calling him that," said Kayla unexpectedly. "You should be careful about that."

"I know. It's an easy way to get to him without -"

"No. I know what you're saying here," she said. "But it's stuff like that. Don't be over confident," she said urgently. "Your brother always was. He's dead now, because of that -"

"Because of Lawrence," said Jack. "Not because of his overconfidence – I mean, it's not like he walked into a knife fight. He was killed by cowards in a cowardly way – and if he hadn't gone, it would have been Bo -"

"Steve was always overconfident and careless," insisted Kayla. "It was that part of him that caused him to work for the I.S.A in the first place. I mean, of course I'm glad Bo didn't get caught in the crossfire of that bomb, but Steve shouldn't have just waltzed into a potentially dangerous situation all alone like that. "

"He was being Steve, like he always was," said Jack, desperate to hold his brother's side, even though he as sickeningly aware that he and Kayla were now at odds on the issue. "The hero -"

"He was careless," she cried out. "There's a difference between heroism and careless. He should have put us first, but he didn't – he didn't – he put his work first, his stupid duty and he got killed and -" she started crying. "Oh god ... I don't even mean any of this," she cried. "How can I even say that about him? I don't... I don't mean it - I know he was a hero -"

Jack was subdued now, in the face of her outburst. He knew her pain ran deep and he felt bad for catalyzing this response.

"I'm ..." he didn't know what to say.

"I'm just saying," she said as she fought for her composure. "Don't be careless! Jo doesn't need to lose another son."

"Kay, listen," said Bo uncomfortably as he watched his sister fall apart. "I know it's my fault -"

"It's Lawrence's fault," Jennifer shouted at him. "Would everyone stop blaming themselves for what Lawrence did."

There was a sudden silence as all eyes turned her way. Jack felt guilty as he realized that he had forgotten about her trauma, so caught up was he in Kayla's emotional unraveling.

She swallowed hard as the pain washed through her.

"I know more about Lawrence than any of you. I know he meant to do us all harm, back here in Salem. It's... it's why – it's why I wouldn't go home with you," she said, turning to Jack. "It's why I refused. Remember? I told you I'd found out stuff about him? I believe he did plant that bomb – it's exactly the kind of thing he would have done – so instead of blaming yourselves – or blaming each other, or blaming Steve - blame Lawrence. How can any of us move forward from what he's done to us if we can't see that he's the one who bears all the responsibility for everything that's happened. No matter how stupid or careless any of us were."

There was another long silence and then Jennifer suddenly leapt off the couch.

"I need... I need... I just need to -" and she rushed off into the kitchen, feeling her emotions swirling around her.


	36. Chapter 36

Jack looked around the room, feeling ever more the interloper. He needed Jennifer there to anchor him into a sense of self-acceptance around these people. He stared helplessly in the direction where she had run, feeling that awful sense of abandonment he had felt so many other times in his life. He wanted to cry out to her to come back but he exercised the tightest of restraint.

He turned pleading eyes to Julie. Only she could save this situation.

She saw that desperate look in his eyes and felt herself crumble under it. This man could persuade a zebra to shed its stripes just by giving it that look. She wondered how his mother ever turned from him and walked away from him, seemingly forever, if he wore those same eyes as a baby. She still had trouble imagining him as a menace in anyone's life, despite what she knew he had done and been.

Before she could take action, Jennifer re-emerged.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry. I'm acting like a child. I know it."

"No. You aren't acting like a child," said Julie. "Trust me. I've seen you acting like a child and this isn't that."

Jennifer looked at her in frustration.

"Then what's wrong with me."

"You're harboring a whole lot of pent up anger," said Julie. "Which is very natural."

Jennifer looked away from her, uncomfortable about discussing her own situation in front of everyone. Especially with Jack and Kayla present.

"It's just that you all talk about blame," she said in frustration. "That it's Steve's fault for getting killed – or your fault for breaking up their fight in the first place- or your fault," she said to Jack," for retreating away form me after Harper's death… or getting knocked up – I mean – out," she said startled at her faux pas, temporarily distracted as she saw both Jack and Bo's faces wear a trace of sudden humor. "Don't," she snapped. "Don't laugh at me."

"Jennifer," said Jack, instantly sober. "Never."

The word was uttered with such conviction and strength that she knew that so many other promises lay behind that one utterance. Never would he repeat his mistakes. Never would he try to belittle her importance in his life. Never would he harm her. Never would he become his own worst nightmare again.

"I'm just having trouble with this," she said in frustration. "Because it's all my fault. All of it," she said, looking directly at Jack. "All of it. If you really think it through, you'll see it too."

Jack flushed. She couldn't seriously want to rehash her own feelings of blame in front of Kayla. He was sure she had gone through the same mental horror where he was concerned.

"It was my idea," she cried out. "Mine. All of it. My idea!"

"What was your idea," Jack couldn't help but ask. The plan to meet at Lawrence's room was his. And she wasn't about to tell people that bedding Lawrence had been her idea. It clearly hadn't been.

"The whole deception. When Katarina told me about the marriage pact, I came up with the idea of pretending to be her – to get a feel for who Lawrence might be. I started it. It wasn't her idea, it was mine. I did it, partly because it was – well, it was kind of fun – pretending to be her, and stepping out of myself… "

"You were a kid," said Jack. "You can't blame yourself for that - you didn't mean any harm, you just didn't think it through. You were only 14, right?"

"If I hadn't come up with that stupid plan – a plan which if I think about it now was never going to work - none of this would be happening now. Bo. You wouldn't have broken up that fight in the café because Lawrence would never have been able to perpetuate that hoax in the first place – and so Lawrence's vendetta against you and Salem would never have begun. And maybe he targeted Salem because he hated me all those years for what I did – you can't tell me he isn't vengeful and that he's not a grudge-holder –"

"You were fourteen and you were trying to help a friend – "

"And have fun – have a little crazy stupid adventure –"

"Are you talking about now or then," asked Jack. "I don't think you were getting anything fun out of your deception with Lawrence a few months ago. Seems to me you were just –"

"Trying to escape my own problems. I was also trying to scare the wits out of you and make you jealous," she said adamantly. "I know this. I knew it then. I liked making you jump through hoops to try to figure out what my next move was going to be –"

"That doesn't make any of this your fault," he said insistently.

"Well then stop blaming yourselves. If it's Bo's fault for stopping Lawrence from detaining Katarina all those years ago, or Steve's fault for checking out the dock in Bo's stead, or your fault even for breaking up with me – then it also has to be my fault for starting the events in motion. If you blame yourselves, you are also blaming me."

"We aren't trying to do that," said Kayla gently.

"I know. I know you're angry and you're hurting," said Jennifer, "And I know I'm being selfish – because what you're going through right now is so much worse than what I'm going through. I'm sure of it. I guess I'm not in control of myself these days. I say things I don't mean to say."

"Jennifer –don't worry," said Kayla. "It's okay. Don't be so hard on yourself, okay?"

"Maybe it's time we adjourned. I think we're all a little emotionally exhausted," suggested Julie.

"Yeah –"

"No," said Jennifer. "No. Not like this. Not on this note. Not because of me and my inability to control my feelings."

"Jennifer, it's okay – we're all tired," said Julie.

"No," she said again, her voice sounding a little more hysterical. "No. I… I'm just – I feel like I'd messed things up."

"Would it help to talk about what our next move should be," asked Jack hesitantly, aware of her very tenuous grip on her emotions. "So we can end things differently?"

"Yeah, yeah, maybe," said Jennifer. "Maybe, I don't know."

"Then what would you like to –"

"I said I don't know," she interrupted him angrily. "I'm sorry – I'm sorry. I'm just a wreck. I can't seem to get things under control."

They were all silent in, not wanting to make things worse, and she rubbed at her eyes tiredly.

"Yeah… yeah… I guess it's time to go. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you," she said looking at Jack.

"It's all right," said Jack, fearing that even that might make her mad.

Jennifer felt a spasm of irritation and anger flow through her at his easy acceptance. But she knew at the core of it, that Jack didn't know how else to act, and he was doing the best he could. Perhaps another man could say more. But Jack couldn't. Not now – not here. He was trapped in a no-win situation.

"Right. It's all right," she said, trying not to be sarcastic.

"Jennifer. I don't know – I mean, I know things aren't all right " he said, beginning to open up to her even though he desperately didn't want to do that in front of those gathered there.

"No. It's all right," she said rapidly, fearful that he might say more than she was ready to hear in present company. "Really. It's okay. I'm just tired. Let's just end this and meet another time."

They all got up and got ready to leave.

"We'll do this again soon. I think this was very good," said Julie with conviction. "we got a lot out on the table and we can sleep on it for a few days… and then do it again, okay?"

With agreements procured, they all headed out the door.

Mickey went over to Jack when Jennifer went to say goodbye to Maggie and Melissa.

"Jack. Just wanted to say something."

"Ah. Sure. "

He braced himself for impact.

"We appreciate all you're doing – the way you're standing by her. She needs you, Jack."

"It's a change. Usually it's been the other way around."

"No. I think it's always been mutual. But now… I mean, you've really been good to her."

"She deserves for people to be good to her."

"Well, I wanted to thank you."

"You are more than welcome."

"And – Melissa told me about your little talk."

"Oh –"

"She needed to hear that too. This thing is tearing her apart."

"Well – if there's anything at all I can do," he began, eager to try to help in anyway.

Mickey nodded soberly.

"Thanks, Jack. I think at this point, time is going to have to work its magic."

_Time. And therapy. A whole boatload of therapy._

"Jack. I hope you do become a part of our family," said Mickey shaking his hand. "You've turned yourself into a fine man."

Jack felt emotions overwhelm him. This was the acceptance he had always dreamed of, and it was made even more special for the fact that he felt so unworthy.

"I love Jennifer," he said. "And I want to be the kind of man she deserves. That Steve was… that Steve taught me to be," he said, his voice cracking.

"You had to open yourself up to being taught," said Mickey sternly. "And that came from you and you alone. Don't forget that. Don't lose sight of that."

"If Jennifer and I ever do marry," said Jack, shaking his head at the wonderment of that idea. "I'll be proud and honored to be part of your family. And I mean that… I mean – I'm not trying to – "

"Be smug or smarmy," said Mickey with a self deprecating smile. "I know. I know. I appreciate it, son."


End file.
